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baboon2004
27-11-2009, 12:48 PM
This week, two people have been rude to me in a very passive -aggressive way - ie by saying something that is obviously meant to be rude, but which if challenged they can (in that horribly English way) say "Oh, it was just a joke, for goodness' sakes", or deny that their tone was accusatory/suggestive.

I hate this kind of behaviour beyond all else - how do other people deal with it?

Not sure if I've explained myself well, so ask me to clarify if needed!

These type of things often exploit group mentality as well, in that they involve appeals to the rest of the group to demonstrate that the one who has been insulted is the aggressor, through getting upset at the (obviously intended) slight. Sick, sick behaviour (and not in a good way).

tartablanca
27-11-2009, 01:13 PM
Please clarify.

mistersloane
27-11-2009, 01:14 PM
Drives me spare and usually makes me violent.

At the gallery I used to do, we used to hire it out for private parties. One hire was full of really upper middle class, rude wankers who treated us like 'staff' - making comments about our clothes, our building, everything and then adding the epithet 'only joking!'
afterwards. 'Only joking' became our catchprase for a while.

We dealt with it on that occasion by - we had a promotion going on for vodka - by giving everyone vodka and mixers but with huuuuuge servings of vodka in them, leading to the entire place getting completely paralytic, I mean there were people vomiting, falling over; two people collapsed outside. It was very satisfying, but obviously not a way one could deal with that sort of behaviour all the time. But for once, killing with kindness actually worked.

Papercut
27-11-2009, 01:16 PM
ah yeah, its so horrible when people do that. like they think they're keeping their cool and being civilised but its kind of the same as someone losing it, only less honest.

its weird that people have all that anger in them but the don't really have proper channels to let it out or can't verbalise it or don't understand it or whatever.

i see it a lot with extended family, people who are shit with dealing with their emotions etc, getting real pent up over the most minor of percieved slights.

its a good idea to call them on it though.

anyhow, i say don't let it worry you cause its just their negativity.

http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com

this website might cheer you up but you need to go back a bit in the archives for the good ones, they get a bit desperate as they go on.

baboon2004
27-11-2009, 01:25 PM
Drives me spare and usually makes me violent.


Tell me about it - as you said in your example, it's so often mixed up with issues of class and perceived class (in fact, widen that to any kind of power differential). People who do it make me sick.

great story!

baboon2004
27-11-2009, 01:27 PM
ah yeah, its so horrible when people do that. like they think they're keeping their cool and being civilised but its kind of the same as someone losing it, only less honest.


That's what I think - the dishonesty of it riles me. Makes me think that if you want to say something, say it and don't be such a coward...

You're right - it's their problem. I think I'm going to have to start calling people on it, and if it loses me the support of some other people, well, they probably weren't worth it (hate the way the majority of people can't/won't see through this kind of behaviour, and let it happen).

Thanks for the website!

Pestario
27-11-2009, 03:27 PM
http://www.toothpastefordinner.com/072108/stop-being-passive-aggressive.gif

vimothy
27-11-2009, 03:43 PM
I don't mind the passive-aggressives so much. It's the aggressive-aggressives that you have to watch.

baboon2004
27-11-2009, 03:46 PM
Love the cartoon!

@ Vimothy - at least with aggressive-aggressives, there's resolution, and probably friendship when you've each lost an eye.

There can be no friendships with passive-aggressives. Never.

grizzleb
27-11-2009, 04:46 PM
Group headfuck shit is never good. The idea that you can fuck about with peoples heads 'for a laugh' is surprisingly common. I hate seeing that shit, or even worse, being on the end of it.

I usually respond by not bothering with those people anymore...If you can't be decent to other people I don't see the point. There's plenty folk who don't do shit like that.

swears
27-11-2009, 05:38 PM
I can be very passive aggressive sometimes without realising it. One particularly nasty habit is slagging myself off to the point where other people feel really awkward, do that a lot when I'm drunk.

In the past I have been deliberately P-A with people that were harder/higher status than me, because that was the only way I could really get at them.

baboon2004
27-11-2009, 05:54 PM
In the past I have been deliberately P-A with people that were harder/higher status than me, because that was the only way I could really get at them.

that's fair enough. it's where people are using it to enforce a power differential, that i really hate.

grizzleb
27-11-2009, 06:00 PM
I reckon that being snittery to people 'up the chain' to you is just the definition of ressentiment, I don't like being in a situation where either has to be engaged in, if someone doesn't treat me with respect, and the rest of the group either ignores this or accepts it I don't hang about with them. Simple. Why would you bother trying to 'get to' someone who doesn't respect you? Surely takes alot of effort and just makes you look like a cunt?

baboon2004
27-11-2009, 06:02 PM
I reckon that being snittery to people 'up the chain' to you is just the definition of ressentiment, I don't like being in a situation where either has to be engaged in, if someone doesn't treat me with respect, and the rest of the group either ignores this or accepts it I don't hang about with them.

true, but I presume Swears was talking about situations where you don't have much choice eg being stuck in an office all day with them

grizzleb
27-11-2009, 06:44 PM
true, but I presume Swears was talking about situations where you don't have much choice eg being stuck in an office all day with them
Well thats actually a good point. If you've no option then wire in hehe.

swears
27-11-2009, 06:59 PM
Yeah, I'm talking about when I'm forced to work with someone, otherwise I'd just walk away.

woops
03-12-2009, 11:33 AM
Think I might print out Pestario's cartoon and leave it on my housemate's PC