Ulala
Awkward Woodward
Hello Dissensus. Due to the death of the Funky/London House thread (and by association, Funky London House) and general, erm, goings-on, I have been away. I hope you are all well.
I have invoked the tiresome cliche of the title because I have had the most ridiculous two days. I wanted to unload on my housemate (he is of this parish, and he knows who he is) but he not in so I am moved to disseminate further.
I have just come back from two days in Paris on business (yeah, look at me). Many foolish things have happened.
1) Within 30 minutes of arriving, my bag is stolen. The thieves are wily (not Wiley). One talks to me and my boss (who is with me), asking for directions. We fail to give directions being a) not from Paris, b) not Francophones. He leaves. I turn around, bag gone. Fuck - about £700 quids worth of stuff gone (not all mine, work laptop) - but at least I have my passport, wallet and phone in my pockets.
2) I try to report the crime to the gendarmes. Much miming ensues as their English is easily equal to my French (i.e. non-existant). After two hours I obtain a crime report. I am miffed.
3) Boss takes me out for dinner. We decide to have a drink afterwards. We are beckoned into a backstreet bar by a Chinese lady.
Boss: "Ulala, I think this might be a whorehouse,"
Me: "Could be, but they might just be being friendly?"
It is a whorehouse. (Though drinks are very reasonably priced as such establishments go.) The aforementioned lady attempts to frisk my boss, not realizing he is gay. He leaves to take a phone call. The manger/pimp asks me if I like any of the girls. I say that even if I did, the other guy is my boss and I couldn't possibly fuck them as he wouldn't approve.
"What about your boss?"
I muster my best GCSE French and reply "Il prefere les hommes". We are made to feel less welcome and leave quickly.
4) Next day. I have a 4 hour meeting which I was assured would be conducted in English. It isn't. I sit gormlessly, taking useless notes. I am also humming slightly due to having no spare pants, shirt or other garments ("vetements", as I have learnt through painstakingly miming to policemen).
5) Home time. We have paid £200 for Eurostar tickets but have to sit on the folding seats by the luggage. Fuck that, obv. We go to the bar. We drink a lot. It is ten past ten, or 22:10 if you are of the French persuasion. At this point boss and I have acquired another guy from work (French) and an attractive young male stranger (also French). Boss asks the bar staff when the train arrives in London.
"Twenty to eleven," says the bar man.
"But that's now!" says French work guy. "22:11!"
We argue good humouredly. Meanwhile, another man in the bar has overheard and doubles over laughing. He comes and shakes all our hands - he is the CEO of E*rostar and has not been as tickled by language-based misunderstandings for, ooh, weeks. He gives us two bottles of champagne on the house. Boss says this is only right as we have paid £200 for folding seats. He laughs again and gives us a third bottle.
You couldn't make it up.
Have you had a set of peculiar circumstances? More peculiar than "Pointless but it makes me laugh?" Post here.
I have invoked the tiresome cliche of the title because I have had the most ridiculous two days. I wanted to unload on my housemate (he is of this parish, and he knows who he is) but he not in so I am moved to disseminate further.
I have just come back from two days in Paris on business (yeah, look at me). Many foolish things have happened.
1) Within 30 minutes of arriving, my bag is stolen. The thieves are wily (not Wiley). One talks to me and my boss (who is with me), asking for directions. We fail to give directions being a) not from Paris, b) not Francophones. He leaves. I turn around, bag gone. Fuck - about £700 quids worth of stuff gone (not all mine, work laptop) - but at least I have my passport, wallet and phone in my pockets.
2) I try to report the crime to the gendarmes. Much miming ensues as their English is easily equal to my French (i.e. non-existant). After two hours I obtain a crime report. I am miffed.
3) Boss takes me out for dinner. We decide to have a drink afterwards. We are beckoned into a backstreet bar by a Chinese lady.
Boss: "Ulala, I think this might be a whorehouse,"
Me: "Could be, but they might just be being friendly?"
It is a whorehouse. (Though drinks are very reasonably priced as such establishments go.) The aforementioned lady attempts to frisk my boss, not realizing he is gay. He leaves to take a phone call. The manger/pimp asks me if I like any of the girls. I say that even if I did, the other guy is my boss and I couldn't possibly fuck them as he wouldn't approve.
"What about your boss?"
I muster my best GCSE French and reply "Il prefere les hommes". We are made to feel less welcome and leave quickly.
4) Next day. I have a 4 hour meeting which I was assured would be conducted in English. It isn't. I sit gormlessly, taking useless notes. I am also humming slightly due to having no spare pants, shirt or other garments ("vetements", as I have learnt through painstakingly miming to policemen).
5) Home time. We have paid £200 for Eurostar tickets but have to sit on the folding seats by the luggage. Fuck that, obv. We go to the bar. We drink a lot. It is ten past ten, or 22:10 if you are of the French persuasion. At this point boss and I have acquired another guy from work (French) and an attractive young male stranger (also French). Boss asks the bar staff when the train arrives in London.
"Twenty to eleven," says the bar man.
"But that's now!" says French work guy. "22:11!"
We argue good humouredly. Meanwhile, another man in the bar has overheard and doubles over laughing. He comes and shakes all our hands - he is the CEO of E*rostar and has not been as tickled by language-based misunderstandings for, ooh, weeks. He gives us two bottles of champagne on the house. Boss says this is only right as we have paid £200 for folding seats. He laughs again and gives us a third bottle.
You couldn't make it up.
Have you had a set of peculiar circumstances? More peculiar than "Pointless but it makes me laugh?" Post here.
