Worst Pop Raps

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droid

Guest
Saw a brief clip of Madonna live the other day, and I was unfortuantely reminded of her recent foray into rap:

[Verse 4: Madonna Rap]
I'm drinking a Soy latte
I get a double shoté
It goes right through my body
And you know I'm satisfied
I drive my Mini Cooper
And I'm feeling super-dooper
Yo they tell I'm a trooper
And you know I'm satisfied
I do yoga and palates
And the room is full of hotties
So I'm checking out the bodies
And you know I'm satisfied
I'm digging on the isotopes
This metaphysic's shit is dope
And if all this can give me hope
You know I'm satisfied
I got a lawyer and a manager
An agent and a chef
Three nannies, an assistant
And a driver and a jet
A trainer and a butler
And a bodyguard or five
A gardener and a stylist
Do you think I'm satisfied?
I'd like to express my extreme point of view
I'm not Christian and I'm not a Jew
I'm just living out the American dream
And I just realised that nothing
Is what it seems
What it seems (C'mon)
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Now - painful as this is - is it the worst pop rap (meaning pop artists who dabble in rapping) ever? I reckon its worse than Robbie Williams excerable 'Rock Dj' rap, worse than anything E17 ever did, and probably worse than 'Je Suis' by Bill Wyman - though Im doubtful that anything can live down to the standard set by Blondie's gibberish skatting on 'rapture':

ab Five Freddie told me everybody's high
DJ's spinnin' are savin' my mind
Flash is fast, Flash is cool
Francois sez fas, Flashe' no do
And you don't stop, sure shot
Go out to the parking lot
And you get in your car and you drive real far
And you drive all night and then you see a light
And it comes right down and lands on the ground
And out comes a man from Mars
And you try to run but he's got a gun
And he shoots you dead and he eats your head
And then you're in the man from Mars
You go out at night, eatin' cars
You eat Cadillacs, Lincolns too
Mercurys and Subarus
And you don't stop, you keep on eatin' cars
Then, when there's no more cars
You go out at night and eat up bars where the people meet
Face to face, dance cheek to cheek
One to one, man to man
Dance toe to toe
Don't move to slow, 'cause the man from Mars
Is through with cars, he's eatin' bars
Yeah, wall to wall, door to door, hall to hall
He's gonna eat 'em all
Rapture, be pure
Take a tour, through the sewer
Don't strain your brain, paint a train
You'll be singin' in the rain
I said don't stop, do punk rock

Man to man, body muscular
Sismic decibel by the jugular
Wall to wall, tea time technology and a digital ladder
No sign of bad luck in rapture

Well now you see what you wanna be
Just have your party on TV
'Cause the man from Mars won't eat up bars when the TV's on
And now he's gone back up to space
Where he won't have a hassle with the human race
And you hip-hop, and you don't stop
Just blast off, sure shot
'Cause the man from Mars stopped eatin' cars and eatin' bars
And now he only eats guitars, get up!
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Any more contenders? Spoken word intros dont count btw ;)
 
D

Diggedy Derek

Stray Dog
Debbie Harry's rap in rapture is so loose and louche that I think it's rather great. I always thought it said "DJ's spinning a set in my mind", which is a truly great lyric.

Anyway, the simple answer to this question is Robbie Williams on Rock DJ. Even that block from 5ive did a better job.
 
B

bassnation

the abyss
droid said:
Any more contenders? Spoken word intros dont count btw ;)
Click to expand...

maybe a bit of an obvious choice but

"i'm as serious as cancer when i say that rhythm is a dancer"

has to be up there.
 
D

droid

Guest
Diggedy Derek said:
Debbie Harry's rap in rapture is so loose and louche that I think it's rather great. I always thought it said "DJ's spinning a set in my mind", which is a truly great lyric.

Anyway, the simple answer to this question is Robbie Williams on Rock DJ. Even that block from 5ive did a better job.
Click to expand...

I think her lyrics are OK, if only for their dementedness - but her flow is truly awful! - like watching yer mum trying to rap.

How did i miss out on a 5ive rap?? :eek:
 
H

henry s

Street Fighting Man
this doesn't really count, and in fact it's more of a "so bad it's good" pop rap moment, but Serge Gainsbourg's "You're Under Arrest", when his MC goes, "you're under arrest...'cos you're the best...guh...guh-guh-guh guh-guh-guh...Gains-bourg!"...oh, that gets me every time...
 
T

tryptych

waiting for a time
bassnation said:
maybe a bit of an obvious choice but

"i'm as serious as cancer when i say that rhythm is a dancer"

has to be up there.
Click to expand...

Word.

What about "World in Motion"? Not really a pop star, but pretty f'ing awful.
 
D

droid

Guest
henry s said:
this doesn't really count, and in fact it's more of a "so bad it's good" pop rap moment, but Serge Gainsbourg's "You're Under Arrest", when his MC goes, "you're under arrest...'cos you're the best...guh...guh-guh-guh guh-guh-guh...Gains-bourg!"...oh, that gets me every time...
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My god - thats sounds great!

With you on Snap - that lad was kind of a rapper anyway - its just an awful lyric. By the same token the likes of E17 or New Kids on The Block are borderline pop-rappers..
 
B

boomnoise

♫
the new girls aloud album has some sublime pop rapping on it. i should imagine that some might find it terrible, however.
 
C

captain easychord

Guest
wow are those madonna and robbie lyrics for real? usually it's like "aw come on man, rap lyrics look stupid when you write them out" but i know their delivery has gotta detract from the "content" even further.

i like the blondie rap personally.
 
hint

hint

party record with a siren
"West End Girls", surely?


The first lyric that popped into my head when reading this thread was:

Penetration is simple,
Just like popping a pimple
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From the glorious pop rap on the extended club mix on Mantronix - "Got To Have Your Love"
 
nomos

nomos

Administrator
I liked Grandmaster Flash's take on the Blondie rap. Something along the lines of "I don't really know what she was on about, but it's cool that she showed an interest."

Any Canadians here will remember that horrendous Bareneaked Ladies "rap" that was everywhere a few years back. *shivers* Who remembers Tom Green in "Check the O.R. (You like it so far?)"?

Oh and the Simpsons rap. That was monstrous.

So much horror in the world. :eek:
 
J

jasonh

Newbie
Anyone remember that single by the Bombfunk MC's a couple of years ago - truly appalling comedy rapping.

Apologies if anyone likes it!
 
S

simon silverdollar

Guest
any limp bizkit. that period of the late 90s/early 00s when metal bands thought they could rap was one of music's lowest ebbs.

but madonna's got to take the prize hands down surely? i don't think i've ever heard the end of her rap on that track as i get so embaressed for her i just have to get out of earshot as soon as possible.

she gets AIR.
 
I

infinite thought

pigferatu
hint said:
"West End Girls", surely?
Click to expand...

Oh no no no no no no!

S'pose Vanilla Ice is too too obvious, but my early comp years were haunted by such lines as:

To the extreme I rock a mic like a vandal
Light up a stage and wax a chump like a candle

and

Quick to the point to the point no faking
I'm cooking MC's like a pound of bacon

AAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH!
 
S

simon silverdollar

Guest
also, there's a bit on talking head's 'cross eyed and painless' where david byrne tries to rap. it's just wilfully odd and skewed enough not to be totally awful, but it's still pretty shit- and that comes from someone who has obsessed over talking heads since the age of 8.
 
M

martin

----
Oh come on, the John Barnes rap was seminal . I don't mind Debbie Harry's lazy-style rapping, reminds me of that chilled out cat who does the rap halfway through 'Last Night a DJ Saved My Life'.

I hated Einar when he used to come on and start 'rapping' whenever the Sugarcubes were on TOTP, but then in all fairness, I hated the Sugarcubes too

I don't think the quality of the rap's the problem, it's the spirit it's done in. Debbie was like "I can't rap, but I just want to big up my new NYC club mates". More like a benevolent older sister than yer ma, which is fine. Whereas Simon S is right, the nu metal bands were bound to cock it up anyway, but did so so humourlessly it became unbearable to listen to.

I'm not even mentioning Chas and Dave's 'Romford Rap', Adam and the Ants' 'Antrap' or Grandmaster Clive Wolfendale
 
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P

PeteUM

It's all grist
Yeah, it's a sort of tribute, whereas Madonna's is just terrible. Does she really say that stuff?
 
D

droid

Guest
PeteUM said:
Yeah, it's a sort of tribute, whereas Madonna's is just terrible. Does she really say that stuff?
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Its a horrific sight believe me!

On Blondie - the thing that gets me about her delivery is the way it sounds like shes just saying whatever rhyme pops into her head - cars/bars/mars - it doesnt really mean anything - just gibberish, and I think her failure to attempt some decent lyrics comes through in the video especially. I can barely watch it - its cringeworthy.

Surely she could have put a bit of effort in?

Madonna on the other hand is shit precisely because she knows exactly what shes doing... so i suppose Debbie gets points for her naive unselfconciousness at least.
 
O

Octopus?

Well-known member
autonomicforthepeople said:
I liked Grandmaster Flash's take on the Blondie rap. Something along the lines of "I don't really know what she was on about, but it's cool that she showed an interest."

Any Canadians here will remember that horrendous Bareneaked Ladies "rap" that was everywhere a few years back. *shivers* Who remembers Tom Green in "Check the O.R. (You like it so far?)"?

Oh and the Simpsons rap. That was monstrous.

So much horror in the world. :eek:
Click to expand...

Speaking as a fellow Canadian, I should point out (or maybe I shouldn't) that Tom Green has now unleashed an entire Comedy/Rap disc featuring tracks like "Teachers Suck" and "Goofy Rockin Chair" that make his Organized Rhyme days sound like Big Daddy Kane.

Truly, truly embarassing.
 
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