i went to new zealand. i got my first real job and stuck at it. i made friends. i went out. i enjoyed myself. i met girls. i enjoyed the sun. labouring made me fit and strong. i felt confident. being from london gave me minor celebrity status. i was accepted. i didn't have many funny expereicenes but i felt i was happy for the frst time in my life. i felt i had suceeded in becoming a normal well-adjusted person.
i got bored of that after a while. i felt something was missing. that 'higher' dimnesion of expereince. so i sorted myself out with an unrequited love and lots of acid and mushrooms and recovered that dimension of my life.i felt intense again. i wanted that girl well badly, and she liked me but i didn't really know. k-punks latest post is very good on this. read it so i don't have to explain. does she, doesn't she, who fucking knows, i didn't even know if i fancied her really, heh! so i was taking all that buisness smoking half ounce of skunk a week, going on walks, reading a lot. i remember the morning after my first trip i woke up and vomited out 3 a4 pages of handwriteen poem, i thought, that was pretty cool althougn i didn't think it was as conducive to poetry as weed. i felt that it made me normal./ acid that is. i thought, its like normal life, but clearer. i can just see more.
the week before the mushrooms which tipped me over the edge i woke up one morning and thought. i want some acid. so i went and bought some acid from a maori geezer called bill in auckland univeristy and took it right there and then/ i walked around, i kept moving, then i thought, why am i moving? i'll try sitting down. so i sat down on the football pitches in the domain. i lay down and looked up at the sky. i took a sip of my beer. i felt lots of energy coursing through my body. i thought, yeah right, energy. thats life. thats what you're given, energy and you have to make it do your bidding. and i thought, right now, i use that energy solely to source, purchase and smoke weed. i could turn that energy to any use and instead i waste it in the pursuit of self-oblivion. thats probably not that great. the discovery of this energy i felt was a big insight. later i got this feeling so i was down by a river and said om to myself a few times and something happened, i can't remember what, i think i felt like i'd just secured some more space for my mind to move in. i think i felt i'd broken some bonds, some mind forged manacles. i can't remember exactly. it was quite exhilerating though.
then a week later my mate seth phoned me and asked for the $100 i owed him. i said, yeah i';ll bring it up to 277 where he was working in starbucks. when i got there he was with his mate mark. mark had some blue meanie juice. blue meanies are notoruiously strong. i hoped i'd get some. he pured the liquid into the frappachino mixer and made oragne mango mushroom frappachinos for all threee of us. we walked back to mine thorugh newmarket togehter drinking our drinks. haalfway down ayr street it began taking hold, fuck, that happened pretty quick we thought, thats what, all of ten minutes, usually i have to wait at least an hour, choyce! must be good ones then! i felt like i was super-articulate, well i was actually quite articualte. i felt i could epxress each thought and perception that arised in my mind perfectly, no groping for words, the perfect ones were right there. there were no barriers, we'd just express the thoughts as they arose in our heads and each thing the other said sent a tingle of recognition passing through everyone elses bodies and minds. we went to mine on bassett road and sat there talking till the trip wore off. it was the best trip ever and drugs have never worked for me since. i felt like i'd finally reached my goal, this is it! and to my immense suprise, those two were there with me. in that world. that changed everything! you know! how many others know! they said, we knew you were ready. it was really weird and made me happy.i also realised for the first time, that these two liked me, not for the things i said or did but just because. they liked me, i didn't have to police my behaviour so strictly, i was accpeted. i projected that feeling onto the world. i don't need to worry, its ok! i'm alright. that was what i meant by taking off a hairshirt. no more worrying about how to sit or the sound of my voice, i'll just be me, fuck it, no more having to fool people into thinking i'm something i'm not. no more terror of the mask slipping. tht was always my greatst fear, the mask slipping/ i was still very articulate. once or twice i would be overhwelmed by bliss and would lie on the bed letting the waves wash over me, only a tiny thread still holding me to the world. when i came back i'd have a bit of information or a thought to share. we all did that. went off on one while the other two talked, then we;d come back with a titbit from the other world.
i didn't come down for over 6 months, maybe almost a year, in truth i'll never go back to how i was. i was hyper articualte and forthright for months. bad things happned too. i lost my temper for the first time in my life. i was on a very short fuse. i lost my job after yelling abuse at the manager. people thought i was going mad. i broke my hand in a moment of rage. the dcotor who treated me said i was probably 'mildly scitzophrenic' a mental health crisis team come round my house. i said, nah, leave it out, you're wasting your time, i'm not a threat to myself and i'm certainly not a threat to anyone else, i've just taken a load of drugs and my brain is inflamed thats all. they were like, ok, we'll go then. i wrote lots of weird poetry. some of it was good some of it was embaressing. i totally scared and alienated that girl i fancied. she's just had a baby as it goes.
*ontological status-dunno if i used that in context, maybe its meaningless/ don't tease me