The press release hall of shame thread

Blackdown

nexKeysound
I see you...

"Dear Martin

We are band Longital from the Central Europe, trying to change the world by playing music."



Who can raise me?
 

Octopus?

Well-known member
Cryptacize deals in the unforgettable melody, the forsaken chord and the extravagant sentiment. They offer a distinct kind of pleasure; it's not casual background or 'lifestyle' music. Nedelle Torrisi's surefooted and richly nuanced vocal arabesques, like a modern day Freddie Mercury or Ronnie Spector, strangely complement Chris Cohen's guitar, maniacally sped-up a la Les Paul or staccato and funny like Roy Smeck or Adolph Jacobs of the Coasters. Michael Carreira's syncopated drum corps rudiments and pit-orchestra rave-ups propel the songs with a refreshingly buoyant touch that never lapses into rock music cliches. There are also widescreen cinematic moments that take on a mournful and otherworldly pathos, like Henry Mancini's "Experiment in Terror" but with vocals by Cambodian 60's pop legend Ros Serey Sothea - or like Arabic diva Fairouz singing along to a psychedelic film score by Popol Vuh. Simultaneously happy and sad, pragmatic and mystical, hopeful and doomed, MYTHOMANIA (Cryptacize's second album) is a revelation by anyone's measure. The playing shows a new level of confidence and intent, as well as an artful sense of timing - it's the sound of a band that's found themselves and is growing by leaps and bounds.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!
 

Leo

Well-known member
it's well established that blurbs and press releases from bands or pr reps are almost always lame, something cringy.

that being the case, what, in your opinion, is the RIGHT way to get word out about an artist/record? should it be just the facts only (name, title, release date, track list, etc.)? is there a place for any description of the music? just curious...
 

mms

sometimes
'Haswell and Hecker return with a release that proves that the avant garde is thriving in 2007.The pioneers of avant garde music return. '
 

nomos

Administrator
Forget Roll Deep, Dizzee, or Piff City.

So Solid are back on grime.

They have a new mixtape dropping on 27th Jan 2007.
"We are vets" is going to blow up the scene and leave Boy better know thinking Boy Better Go.

COP DAT!
 

martin

----
Can I slip in a non-music one? This tops the lot for me

Subject> Norway: Tamil demonstrators attack Sri Lankan embassy; anticipate further protests over military offensive

Insert copy here
 

martin

----
Here's an old personal favourite from a few years back - fucking unbelievable.

Okay we're obsessed with MP3s. It seems that everyone has one hanging around their neck or training for the marathon with them glued to their ears. We know that they could make us deaf but we still love 'em.

Yes, we do seem to bleat on about security, but hey that's the business we're in! So we've put together a lovely article on the risks of MP3s - to wake up all those naïve managers who innocently believe that their staff are just using them to download and listen to music.

We're here to tell them that there's a dark and murky side to MP3s, for example they can store the entire contents of their office on them! And what happens when the MD who has saved the draft annual report or confidential details of all his customers accidentally forgets his prized MP3 on the tube on the way home?

Cripes - it could just get picked up by a competitor, opportunist or heavens above a journalist who has being dying for an opportunity to expose a company like this - at last!!!
 

zhao

there are no accidents
what i love are the super generic ones like:

(whatever group) came together in (whatever year) with one goal in mind: to make music that is as fun for people to listen/dance to as it was for them to make it.

like, wow. oh my gosh. they are the only ones in the world trying to do something so revolutionary it blows the mind! WHERE DO I SIGN?!?!
 

john eden

male pale and stale
that being the case, what, in your opinion, is the RIGHT way to get word out about an artist/record? should it be just the facts only (name, title, release date, track list, etc.)? is there a place for any description of the music? just curious...

DO's:

1 para background on the artist(s) and relevant info on producer, guests, etc. (more if they have been doing stuff for over a decade)

1 sentence on anything especially unusual about the release.

Best tracks / forthcoming singles

When is it coming out and in what format.

contact details for more info

Full tracklist in case I lose the cover.

DON'TS:

stupid descriptions of what it sounds like / why it is the best thing I will hear this year

the fact that it has been "supported" by a bunch of djs I haven't heard of

a massive list of other artists who are also being promoted by the same PR company
 

tom lea

Well-known member
l_78f047d233bb4b7fb1aa1b4e5de9c1fe.jpg


Sexually frustrated siblings, Sensitive Jim and Curious Div Rider, were looking for an escape route out of the boring orthodoxy imposed upon them by their strict Christian parents. The two young boys discovered their holy grail in the sweet sounds of rock and roll. They started going to midweek gigs in the city, keeping their dirty little secret from their friends and family. In order to fund gigs, a certain mother’s purse would be raided of notes and coins alike… as well as lipsticks. Before long the pair decided to leave, and so packed their bags full of clothes, food, money, make-up and some of mums more saucy private garments. They had seen and heard enough about ‘normal life’ and wanted something more. With that motivation and their love of Rock they left the family home and headed for the city to find fame, fortune or hepatitis. They managed to find a small dank room in the bowels of the sleazy city centre. The search for jobs soon began; they luckily both got interviews at a music instrument store. The interviews went surprisingly well, the part time manager Colin Monk took a liking to the pair for their tastes in music, people, and felt pity for their naivety of the world. Colin was a quiet, timid fellow, stuck in a repetitive empty life with a love for Scalextric, Taggart and third-rate 80’s cop movie. But inside him a transformation was threatening to engulf him, he was bored with his mediocre existence and wanted more, a lot more. Curious Div took to the drums with ease; Sensitive Jim thought bass would be the better course for him to take. Colin had been playing the guitar for years, writing mainly 70’s love songs, he had a large collection that he kept inside a plastic bag under his bed. The Rider brothers were not at all interested in playing this genre, and embarrassed by their jibes, Colin left early and left the keys for them to lock up. Once home, Colin’s physical and mental condition completely broke down. He lapsed into a stress-induced coma for a few days and then emerged as the person he always wanted to be, his dream alter ego, ‘Long-legs’. A week after he left the shop he returned not as Colin, but as C.J ‘Longlegs’ Monk. The Rider brothers were shocked as they took in the change in him. They were more shocked when he began barking out orders for them to prepare to jam. His new breed of songs, guitar playing and singing style struck a major chord with the boys. More days passed with the three practicing new songs in the shop, as it still wasn’t very busy. Their only real customer was an odd scientist, Professor Stuart Firefly. He had been the victim of his own eagerness when one of his extraordinary experiments backfired, and his brain was overcome by an accidental direct input of sounds, notes and frequencies. He picked up the guitar after this disastrous experiment and hasn’t put it down since. It is the only thing that helps calm the internal audio concert in his mind. The same day the Rider bros and Longlegs started jamming was the same day Firefly burst into the store. He had burst all his strings on his only guitar through extensive rocking and desperately needed new ones. He didn’t have the patience to wait and just plugged an axe into an amp right next to Longlegs. Puzzled and interested they continued their jam and Firefly joined in. So now the group was complete, they jammed away the remainder of the day, resplendent in their creations of rock glory. Afterwards as they were leaving the store, a muffled moan emanated from the managers office. They investigated and found the manager, Mike Hunt, dead in his office. Yet another victim of the deadly, yet vastly appealing, auto-erotic asphyxiation. Before they contacted the authorities, the thieves loaded up Longlegs van with all sorts of musical gear they would need for their pursuit of rock glory, fixing the stock reports so that nothing would look a miss. After the police had came and the usual questions had been asked, the group decided to go and consummate their new relations at one of Tragic City’s more seedy establishments, the Valdarak social club.....

all one paragraph too.
 

Blackdown

nexKeysound
OMG that's a royal flush for Tom! It starts with undertones of incest and ends in auto-erotic asphyxiation, and that's before the band have even started touring yet!

(tenner they just went to private school and paid their PR to invent their "beginning")
 

tom lea

Well-known member
best bit is that you get a genuine copy of that photograph stapled to the press sheet! so, so bad on every level.

there was a real trend for gimmicky press campaigns last year- there was a tin of max tundra soup, a chris leibling advert calendar, eugene mcguiness valentines day cards.

i remember a pr once describing some indie band to me as 'a cross between the beatles, the clash, talking heads and the stones'. i found that one quite funny, and the pr was a really nice guy, but i don't think that sort of stuff helps bands one bit.
 

Tentative Andy

I'm in the Meal Deal
Here's an old personal favourite from a few years back - fucking unbelievable.

Okay we're obsessed with MP3s. It seems that everyone has one hanging around their neck or training for the marathon with them glued to their ears. We know that they could make us deaf but we still love 'em.

Yes, we do seem to bleat on about security, but hey that's the business we're in! So we've put together a lovely article on the risks of MP3s - to wake up all those naïve managers who innocently believe that their staff are just using them to download and listen to music.

We're here to tell them that there's a dark and murky side to MP3s, for example they can store the entire contents of their office on them! And what happens when the MD who has saved the draft annual report or confidential details of all his customers accidentally forgets his prized MP3 on the tube on the way home?

Cripes - it could just get picked up by a competitor, opportunist or heavens above a journalist who has being dying for an opportunity to expose a company like this - at last!!!

Hahaha, all of that is great, but the one bit that really jumps out is the use of "cripes". Cripes?!? CRIPES!?!?! I never believed anyone could use that word seriously in any situation, let alone in a promotional document. :eek: :eek:
 
Top