Looks like the Danny Dyer Eastenders script has been leaked:
INT SCENE: QUEEN VIC
DANNY DYER is dialling a number on the bar’s telephone. TRACEY can be seen in the background washing pint glasses
[Editors note: possibly worth killing off the Tracey character next year if she doesn’t accept a zero hours contract- we’ve taken her role about as far as it can go. Ditto Doctor Legg]
DANNY (on phone)- All right, darling. You doing anything special tonight? Fancy going up West? I know this great Chinese buffet down Leicester Square, real classy place just a few doors down from Stringfellows. Yeah… nice one love, I’ll treat you to a good time don’t you worry gel. How about I meet you outside TK Maxx on Charing Cross Road around, say, 8 O’Clock? Yeah. Nice one darling, see you later then.
DANNY puts down the phone with a grin on his face, silently voicing the word “Yes!”
TRACEY- Who’s that then?
DANNY- It’s my hot date, innit, Danny boy you are a legend! Right classy bird though she is too, bit posh- d’ya na a mean. Might have to crack open the old bottle of aftershave. Christ that reminds me- I’ve got some washing to do. Here Trace can you mind the pub for a sec while I head down the laundrette.
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EXT SCENE: ALBERT SQUARE MARKET (daytime approximately 11.00am)
DANNY can be seen striding down the street with a black bin bag full of clothes. ALFIE MOON (wearing a West Ham dressing gown and with a cup of tea in his left hand), is exiting the B&B where he lives, and accosts DANNY as the younger character passes his doorstep.
ALFIE- Morning Danny, my son. Ere, it’s you’re night off tonight ain’t it? You wanna come round my place to watch I.D., I’ve got the new remastered DVD with the Shadwell out-takes?
DANNY- Leave it out Alfie, you muppet! I’ve only just pulled myself a bleedin’ stunner aven’t I! Save it for next week bruv, cos if you think Danny Dyer’s gonna watch a poxy video with soppy old Alfie Moon when I can be chatting up some fit bird… you must be joking. (laughing) I.D., what are you like, mate?
Danny walks off with a smile on his face, ALFIE stands at his doorstep looking wryly amused
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INT SCENE: THE LAUNDERETTE
DOT COTTON can be seen behind the counter, searching in vain for her cigarette lighter [Editors note: over the developing story arc this behavioural tic will be the dramatic device used to illustrate to the viewers DOT’S declining mental health.]
DANNY joins DOT in the shop and slings his black bin liner of clothes onto the floor
DANNY- Ere Dot, you couldn’t sort out these clothes for me, princess? It’s just I’m in a bit of a rush- the brewery’ll be round any minute now and I’ve got to change the kegs.
DOT- Oh orlright Daniel.
DANNY- Ah cheers darling, you’re a diamond.
DOT (to herself)- Now where did I put that lighter?
DANNY exits through the front door. The camera zooms into a CU of DANNY’s bag of clothes, focussing on a clothes label that clearly states ‘dry clean only’.
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INT SCENE: THE LAUNDERETTE.
Several hours have passed since the previous scene and the last of the evening light illuminates the shabby shop interior. Within seconds of DANNY entering the launderette DOT passes him a basket full of laundered clothes.
DOT- Here you go Daniel, ooh I even put some Bounce washing sheets in the dryer so the clothes don’t stick.
DANNY- Ah, thank you Dot, you’re a right sweetheart.
DANNY proceeds to empty the contents of the basket into a carrier bag that he has brought with him. As he handles the last item of clothing (a pink jumper) a look of horror appears on Danny’s face.
DANNY (speaking half to himself)- Oh you must be having a bubble, not my pink jumper. I was gonna wear this on my date tonight…
DANNY’S eyes glaze over as he visibly tries to hold back his mounting anger. After several seconds he is no longer able to restrain himself and turns to stare at DOT with a look of rage on his face.
DANNY- Dot! I thought I told you to sort through this stuff!?
DOT (with a concerned look on her face)- I assumed it was a 40 wash, Daniel.
DANNY (pointing towards the label with his finger)- Forty degrees, can’t you read darling! It says dry clean only. This is a 120 pound Lacoste jumper, not some Mark Fowler market stall tat! Look at it now; it’s shrunk down to nothing and it’s bloody skintight- it’s bleedin’ ruined. Christ sake, you’re a donut- they oughta call you Dot Rotten. TELL ME DOT, HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO RUN A BOOZER LOOKING LIKE GRAHAM FACKING NORTON!!!
CUT TO EXT SCENE OF LAUNDRETTE.
The camera focuses on the shop window, through which we can see the two characters arguing, with DANNY clearly the aggressor. DOT appears frightened and barely gets a word in edgeways.
[Editor’s note: while I’m conscious of the fact that EE broadcasts pre-watershed I feel that as Danny Dyer is such a great character actor it would be a shame if we were to cast him in a role where he is not allowed to curse. It’s rare that we get a star of such calibre on the show and I hope that the scriptwriting team are able to devise new techniques such as this one that can allow us to imply the use of swearwords without audibly recording them- what with the Saville affair the BBC can ill afford any more controversy]
The contents of their conversation are muffled, but DANNY can clearly be seen to mouth the phrases “caaaaaaant!”, and “mug me off like a Millwall slag” [editors note: possibly omit references to Millwall- not sure if it will be understood in the Shires].
DANNY storms out of the Launderette in a fit of rage
CUT TO INT SCENE OF LAUNDERETTE.
DOT appears visibly shaken by DANNY’s verbal onslaught, and has to sit on a chair to calm herself down. All the while she searches in vain for her lighter, with her hands shaking as if she is experiencing the onset of Alzheimer’s disease.
