Absurdities while drunk

baboon2004

Darned cockwombles.
Actually maybe that time I played Human Frogger down Streatham High Road - jumping out in front of the police car maybe wasn't the best move - then eventually walked back to Brixton, got talking to some guy, walked straight into a wall (it really hurts) and then ended up being kidnapped by him for two days while he tried to indoctrinate me with EST might be a good one...I knew something was up when I got to his place and he had a Jack Russell which jumped up at me and he said "Oh good, Clara didn't bark. I don't like people Clara doesn't like".

Creepy. It was really creepy.

Do you think Clara was in on the whole thing all along?


Oh and:

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/ukn...f-Southwark-with-black-eye-and-sore-head.html

that man is a fucking legend.
 

Sick Boy

All about pride and egos
A guy I know got drunk and broke into the Beijing Olympics. That's right, the Beijing Olympics. By the end of his mission he was standing on the actual pitch wearing a T-shirt he had written "Free Tibet" across in black marker.
 

luka

Well-known member
Quite a few involving South Korean tour guides that I really can't get into.

ignore him, he's just trying to cultivate mystique. i think once he had three budweiers and managed to kiss a korean girl.
 

petergunn

plywood violin
Sometimes when me a mate get drunk we like to crash house parties, you just knock on the door and pretend you know someone, they never seem to mind if you're holding a bottle of Smirnoff.

we used to go to parties of people we kinda knew and throw all the big liquor bottles out the window into the lawn when no one was looking... go down and collect 'em when you leave... i used to be a real dumbass when i drank, but i behave myself these days...
 

zhao

there are no accidents
i just hope one of them wasn't accidentally to someone whose house i am hoping to move into. And I hope it didn't involve an insult sent at 1.30am. I really think that might be quite bad.

check the "out" box on yo phone? might be scarier than just pretending nothing happened though.

I'm sorry, the rules of the thread dictate that these must be told. Especially things one can't even talk about.

i understood this clear as an unmuddied lake. and i think those who don't or pretend not to should be made an example of.

... but i behave myself these days...

nice save dude :D

Sometimes when me a mate get drunk we like to crash house parties, you just knock on the door and pretend you know someone, they never seem to mind

ah one of my old favorites. i used to do this with my x and friends in Silverlake area LA all the time, great fun. i usually dodge the "who do you know here?" with random jokes, but if someone really presses the question, i would say in a loud voice "oh we just waked in from the street!", and the usual response is people are like "right on!" and raise their glasses in a toast.

but that's within reason and not really in the territory of the absurd?

i'm not the kind to do absurd things when drunk... but a buddy of mine, oh boy. last one he told me about is playing bumper car on a residential street at 5AM with a buddy of his. and i've seen him pee in the corner of his own bedroom.
 

STN

sou'wester
oh god, too stressful to think about. but i just hope one of them wasn't accidentally to someone whose house i am hoping to move into. And I hope it didn't involve an insult sent at 1.30am. I really think that might be quite bad.

that fire extinguisher anecdote really made me laugh. what was the occasion?

Oh I was just shitfaced and being a ninny at a party in student halls. It made a godawful fucking noise and I spent the next three years scouring the papers for news of a horrendous fire in which everyone was killed, which could have been dealt with if only there'd been a fire extin... etc

I also burst into a bloke's room, marched over to his CD collection and shrieked 'every one of these that is shit, I am going to throw at you', he'd been hit by a Nitin Sawney album, a Morcheeba single and the best of Supertramp before he called upon my friends to remove me. What a jackass I was...

Still, at the same party one of my mates decided to satisfy all her primal urges at once by hoovering up a load of charlie, stealing a vienetta from the freezer and retreating to the bathroom to eat it and have a wank, so she stole the show really.
 

mistersloane

heavy heavy monster sound
I also burst into a bloke's room, marched over to his CD collection and shrieked 'every one of these that is shit, I am going to throw at you', he'd been hit by a Nitin Sawney album, a Morcheeba single and the best of Supertramp before he called upon my friends to remove me. What a jackass I was.../QUOTE]

Not at all, I think that's perfectly reasonable behaviour, drunk or sober. Nitin Sawney. Really. What did he expect? Grace?
 
After a sunny afternoon spent drinking in Hammersmith I - quite instinctively at the time - decided that what I really ought to do was climb out of the pub toilet window and scale the outside of the building in order to reach the fourth-storey roof. The question of Why? would usually elicit a non-plussed response from the drunkard, as would certainly have been the case here.
Full of dutch courage (and vodka chasers) I manly scaled the first floor with ease, clinging to the wall like an eight-leg(less) Spiderman and feeling only very slightly conscious of the fact that anyone watching from the street below would've understandably wondered why a cat burglar had chosen the middle of the day to go to work. Nevertheless, drama kicked in on the way up and I found myself stuck. Unable to continue upwards - and way too high to consider jumping down - I took the only available option and started itching across to an ajar window of the second storey flat. Tentatively peering inside I was spotted by the occupant, an old boy of 60-odd whom I imagine had never seen anyone sitting on his window ledge before. I quickly explained my circumstances and asked if he might let me in. The poor fucker was visibly shaking as he opened the window - on the proviso that there be "no funny business" - and let me through his apartment.
I still feel shamed as I picture his face, shaped by equal parts incredulity and fear.

On a lighter note I rejoined my party - who didn't realise I had even left - and ordered another Absolut.
 

nochexxx

harco pronting
Still, at the same party one of my mates decided to satisfy all her primal urges at once by hoovering up a load of charlie, stealing a vienetta from the freezer and retreating to the bathroom to eat it and have a wank, so she stole the show really.


right that scene is going in my film.
 
S

simon silverdollar

Guest
one time that Tom Lea was witness to, at an Italo-disco night i got horrendously drunk and spent most of the night singing Millwall football chants, despite the fact that, while sober, I don't know any Millwall football chants. but they are, apparently, in my sub-conscious somewhere.
 

baboon2004

Darned cockwombles.
I also burst into a bloke's room, marched over to his CD collection and shrieked 'every one of these that is shit, I am going to throw at you'

This is a genius insult. I'm going to use it as a non-sequitur as soon as possible.
 

Mr. Tea

Let's Talk About Ceps
Still, at the same party one of my mates decided to satisfy all her primal urges at once by hoovering up a load of charlie, stealing a vienetta from the freezer and retreating to the bathroom to eat it and have a wank, so she stole the show really.

That's the ice cream advert they wish they could show - chick holding a Vienetta in one hand and troughing the entire thing while the other hand's busy, haha.
 
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tom lea

Well-known member
one time that Tom Lea was witness to, at an Italo-disco night i got horrendously drunk and spent most of the night singing Millwall football chants, despite the fact that, while sober, I don't know any Millwall football chants. but they are, apparently, in my sub-conscious somewhere.
was this the night where i told you alex under was playing at fabric, and you declared - very loudly - that you had infinite respect for alex under, and were going to leave now to go see him. meanwhile yr girlfriend and flatmates are telling you that this is a stupid idea, and you knock over a pint while disagreeing with them, before concluding that actually they're right?

it might not have been that exciting to be honest, but that's how i remember it.

i once drove home shamefully drunk, and when trying to turn my ipod off (it was still playing in my pocket, and in my idiotic state i thought that the police might hear it and it would alert them to my drunkness - i have no idea why i thought this), ploughed into a murder scene. through the police tape and everything. and then they let me go without breathalising me because they were too busy.
 

scottdisco

rip this joint please
i once drove home shamefully drunk, and when trying to turn my ipod off (it was still playing in my pocket, and in my idiotic state i thought that the police might hear it and it would alert them to my drunkness - i have no idea why i thought this), ploughed into a murder scene. through the police tape and everything. and then they let me go without breathalising me because they were too busy.

wow, that is epic.

re Simon and his Wall chants, i once spent a several minute period in a chart and mainstream club in Derry explaining the Millwall roar to my new Derryman-mate. i was making aeroplane wave motions in front of his face as he sat down for ages and he was very pleased to have this explained to him.

in hindsight, how i avoided getting filled in during my week or so in most of the pubs in Derry, is possibly miraculous. especially since i was hanging out w a bloke from Leeds too. great Guinness in Derry btw. Dublin Storehouse standard in places. there and Sligo both.
 

mrfaucet

The Ideas Train
i think tom's murder scene might be the drunk story to end all drunk stories. I don't see how anyone can top it.
 

scottdisco

rip this joint please
i think tom's murder scene might be the drunk story to end all drunk stories. I don't see how anyone can top it.

agreed, though Vimothy's Christmas morning a close second.

i keep laughing to myself wrt Swears and his mate getting cocktails off the posh dad. :cool:
 

Corpsey

bandz ahoy
Semi-inadvertently set fire to my scrotum with a lighter and a deodrant can. That isn't even the stupidest thing either...

Jackass idolatry is a helluva drug. As is rum.
 

tom lea

Well-known member
vimothy's is definitely the best. at least until we hear the full story of the guy chasing the policecar.
 

Tentative Andy

I'm in the Meal Deal
These are all fantastic. Many lols. I thought that I used to do some pretty daft stuff when I was drunk, but nothing that can really compete with this.
Probably my best one was when, after having been basically carried home from the pub by mates who lived elsewhere, I got mixed up between the front door of my flat and an identical front door a couple of numbers down the street. I repeatedly tried to open it, wondering why on earth the lock wouldn't budge, and ended snapping my key in half. Then realising finally what I'd done and having to phone and wake up my then flatmate to let me into my real address. :eek:
 
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