| | | | | Saturday 1 June 2019 | Sunday 2 June 2019 |
Yet another Tory Coup | May fucks off finally, | nameless faceless technocrats take over the task of tory ruination, dirty tricks | | | | Boris disses Sajid Javid in an indirectly racist way - apologises insincerely - his odds improve markedly |
Monday 3 June 2019 | Tuesday 4 June 2019 | Wednesday 5 June 2019 | Thursday 6 June 2019 | Friday 7 June 2019 | Saturday 8 June 2019 | Sunday 9 June 2019 |
Milk based beverages banned from public areas | Mysterious fire at Downing Street | Andrea Leadsome found in a "highly compromising situation" incapacitated by alcohol, drugs, semi-catatonic | Tory Bigwigs declare open season on moderates, free fire, no holds barred, fistfights break out in the house, the mace is wielded | Gigantic islamofascist paedo-terrorist outrage of some type or other | Boris disses Sajid Javid in an directly racist way no apology offered his odds increase again | Trump visits, mass protests suppressed with lethal force by Brexit militias in US supplied aircraft |
Monday 10 June 2019 | Tuesday 11 June 2019 | Wednesday 12 June 2019 | Thursday 13 June 2019 | Friday 14 June 2019 | Saturday 15 June 2019 | Sunday 16 June 2019 |
Boris enlists Farage, Robinson, Josef K as campaign managers, annexes brexit party via twitter | Queen Liz dies, Lord Harry annointed leader of the Dianist camp, Willy leads the Carolingians, Buck House burns | Penny Mordaunt comes out for Rory Stewart, both perish in bizarre cable car incident | Corbyn snapchats dancing on the grave of Diana, exiled to Venezuela | Big Ben burns to the ground, several prominent members of the 1922 committee & Katy Hopkins found charred in the ruins | Sajid found in highly compromising martyrdom video - rendered to Diego Garcia | Watson, Mcdonell retire suddenly to Maldives |
Monday 17 June 2019 | Tuesday 18 June 2019 | Wednesday 19 June 2019 | Thursday 20 June 2019 | Friday 21 June 2019 | Saturday 22 June 2019 | Sunday 23 June 2019 |
Guy Verhofstadt joins Conservatives, pledges fealty to Boris | Emma Thompson, Steven Fry come out for the Tories, disclaiming former ideology as drug induced false consciousness, denouncing all and sundry | Raab's British nationality deleted due to intractable Home office error, deported | Matt Hancock discovered to have snaffled a gigantic haul of NHS narcotics, promoted to Brexit sec | Soft wing of Tories perish en masse in suspicious circumstances in Millbank Tower collapse | Amber Rudd, Damien Green hospitalised following an apparent suicide attempt, incommunicado under heavy sedation | Baroness Thornberry in the next room obscurely poisoned apparently by Russians, comatose |
Monday 24 June 2019 | Tuesday 25 June 2019 | Wednesday 26 June 2019 | Thursday 27 June 2019 | Friday 28 June 2019 | 29/06/19 | Sunday 30 June 2019 |
Vince Cable surprises noone by backing Boris | Gove reveals that Boris paid for drug sex with beasts - his odds still increase | Morrissey brought in as Culture Tsar | Lab-Green coalition revealed to have taken funds from Gwyneth Paltrow, trounced out of Parliament | Jeffrey Archer appointed Justice Tsar | Arsenal, Chelsea come out for Boris, pitched battles on the roads of Liverpool | Jeremy Hunt outed as traitor due to speaking Japanese and is revealed to be undercover militant buddhist, sent to secret internment |
Monday 1 July 2019 | Tuesday 2 July 2019 | Wednesday 3 July 2019 | Thursday 4 July 2019 | Friday 5 July 2019 | Saturday 6 July 2019 | Sunday 7 July 2019 |
Gove found trouserless and emasculated hanging by the leg from a tree in a south London park, death ruled misadventure | Philip Green brought in as Economics Tsar | UK Govt breaks off negotiations, diplomatic relations with Europe | Zac Goldsmith and Toby Younge form W London cleansing squads | Matt Hancock revealed to be bastard son of Michel Barnier, hanged on Tower Hill from a drone | UK declares war on Iceland over yoghurt incident, naval task force dispatched, disappears without trace due to satnav errors | Mysterious midnight airstrikes demolish Dalston, Brixton, Tottenham. Hackney town Hall hit by nerve gas attack |
Monday 8 July 2019 | Tuesday 9 July 2019 | Wednesday 10 July 2019 | Thursday 11 July 2019 | Friday 12 July 2019 | Saturday 13 July 2019 | Sunday 14 July 2019 |
Heseltine's hung drawn and quartered corpse, Letwin's head found on a stakes on London Bridge, | DUP declare martial law in NI, secede, violence ensues | Willian Hague appointed head of military, pro-hunting campaigners launch purges desettlements in rural areas | Marcus Fysh appointed head of church of England, enforced conversions - mosques and synagogues repurposed across south west | Rees Mogg appointed inquisitor general, auto da fe established | Sadiq Khan discovered attempting to flee UK in disguise, detained never to be seen again | |
Monday 15 July 2019 | Tuesday 16 July 2019 | Wednesday 17 July 2019 | Thursday 18 July 2019 | Friday 19 July 2019 | Saturday 20 July 2019 | Sunday 21 July 2019 |
Assange appointed minister without portfolio with responsibility for online porno, bitcoin | Boris recruits Jeremy Kyle and Stacey Dooley as PPSs with responsibility for pets, families and NHS | Scotland declares independence, England invades, carpet bombs Edinburgh & Glasgow, Danny Baker appointed viceroy | Boris livestreamed on instagram in highly compromising position with multiple underage migrant sex workers - apologises insincerely - his odds increase | | Another audacious terrorist incident, this time broadcast live by BBC and involving celebs | UK closes the channel tunnel, accuses France, Belgium of sabotage as pretext for declaring open military hostilities |
Monday 22 July 2019 | Tuesday 23 July 2019 | Wednesday 24 July 2019 | Thursday 25 July 2019 | Friday 26 July 2019 | Saturday 27 July 2019 | Sunday 28 July 2019 |
Boris revealed to be multiple cannibal, steps down and his deputy, Piers Morgan romps home to leadership | | | | | | |