Harambe's Law

Lichen

Well-known member
There was a boy whose name was Jim
His friends were very good to him
They gave him tea and cakes and jam
And slices of delicious ham
And chocolate with pink inside
And little tricycles to ride
They read him stories through and through
And even took him to the zoo
But there it was the awful fate
Befell him, which I now relate
You know (at least you ought to know
For I have often told you so)
That children never are allowed
To leave their nurses in a crowd
Now this was Jim's especial foible
He ran away when he was able
And on this inauspicious day
He slipped his hand and ran away
He hadn't gone a yard when BANG
With open jaws a lion sprang
And hungrily began to eat
The boy, beginning at his feet
Now just imagine how it feels
When first your toes and then your heels
And then by varying degrees
Your shins and ankles, calves and knees
Are slowly eaten bit by bit
No wonder Jim detested it
No wonder that he shouted "Ai"
The honest keeper heard his cry
Though very fat, he almost ran
To help the little gentleman
"Ponto," he ordered as he came
For Ponto was the lion's name
"Ponto," he said with angry frown
"Down sir, let go, put it down!"
The lion made a sudden stop
He let the dainty morsel drop
And slunk reluctant to his cage
Snarling with disappointed rage
But when he bent him over, Jim
The honest keeper's eyes grew dim
The lion having reached his head
The miserable boy was dead
When nurse informed his parents they
Were more concerned than I can say
His mother as she dried her eyes
Said "It gives me no surprise
He would not do as he was told."
His father who was self-controlled
Bade all the children round attend
To James's miserable end.
And always keep ahold of nurse
For fear of finding something worse.
 

Corpsey

bandz ahoy
Thought Harambe's Law was going to be: in any situation where a human and an animal are killed, the greatest outrage will be focused on the animal's death. Like the dog in Independence Day (which almost died).
 

Mr. Tea

Let's Talk About Ceps

I know it's tempting to see it that way, but as this piece points out, very small children are mad little shits (paraphrasing here a bit) and it can take only a second's distraction on the part of a parent for a kid to vanish from sight. Without having seen what happened first-hand, it's impossible to say whether this happened because of culpable parental negligence or the sort of simple bad luck that could happen to any parent.

And maybe the zoo should be looking into how an unassisted four-year-old could get into its gorilla enclosure?

(Totally agree that there should be legal consequences for teens and adults who enter animal enclosures 'for a laugh' - assuming, that is, they're still alive afterwards to prosecute.)

Edit: I like Corpsey's idea, too.
 
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martin

----
I blame Harambe, personally. If he'd just sat back at a distance and waved for attention instead of pawing the kid and dragging it around, he might still be alive.

Anyway, it was probably only a matter of time before Harambe went mad and started trying to punch out his keepers and tear their faces off, so they'd have had to ventilate him at some point.
 

IdleRich

IdleRich
There was a boy whose name was Jim
His friends were very good to him
They gave him tea and cakes and jam
And slices of delicious ham
And chocolate with pink inside
And little tricycles to ride
They read him stories through and through
And even took him to the zoo
But there it was the awful fate
Befell him, which I now relate
You know (at least you ought to know
For I have often told you so)
That children never are allowed
To leave their nurses in a crowd
Now this was Jim's especial foible
He ran away when he was able
And on this inauspicious day
He slipped his hand and ran away
He hadn't gone a yard when BANG
With open jaws a lion sprang
And hungrily began to eat
The boy, beginning at his feet
Now just imagine how it feels
When first your toes and then your heels
And then by varying degrees
Your shins and ankles, calves and knees
Are slowly eaten bit by bit
No wonder Jim detested it
No wonder that he shouted "Ai"
The honest keeper heard his cry
Though very fat, he almost ran
To help the little gentleman
"Ponto," he ordered as he came
For Ponto was the lion's name
"Ponto," he said with angry frown
"Down sir, let go, put it down!"
The lion made a sudden stop
He let the dainty morsel drop
And slunk reluctant to his cage
Snarling with disappointed rage
But when he bent him over, Jim
The honest keeper's eyes grew dim
The lion having reached his head
The miserable boy was dead
When nurse informed his parents they
Were more concerned than I can say
His mother as she dried her eyes
Said "It gives me no surprise
He would not do as he was told."
His father who was self-controlled
Bade all the children round attend
To James's miserable end.
And always keep ahold of nurse
For fear of finding something worse.
Seems like some kind of remix of Albert and the lion.
 

Woebot

Well-known member
I blame Harambe, personally. If he'd just sat back at a distance and waved for attention instead of pawing the kid and dragging it around, he might still be alive.

he was thinking... is this a baby? or food? baby? food?
 

martin

----
he was thinking... is this a baby? or food? baby? food?

Well...! I think that says it all really. Even at my most spazmatically drunk, I've always been able to tell the difference between some screaming little fucker in dungarees and a juicy, wholesome shish kebab.

All this stuff about 'our closest relatives' and '98% identical genes' is just a load of garbage, IMO. I'd say it's more like 32%. Sure, you can get a gorilla to roll a brussel sprout down a chute, or pee in a toilet bowl, if you spend 8 weeks (and a lot of electro shock treatment) training them to do exactly that, but so what? It's not like they can cook or play even a rudimentary punk riff on guitar. Dogs are more intelligent.
 

martin

----
Think they generally prefer new wave synths.


Nice try, but that's clearly Steve Reich wearing a gorilla costume.

A real gorilla would have smeared shit all over the keys, swung that woman round by the hair until her neck snapped and then mauled the camera (probably mistaking it for a 'child').
 

Woebot

Well-known member
All this stuff about 'our closest relatives' and '98% identical genes' is just a load of garbage, IMO. I'd say it's more like 32%.

at the best of times it's a profoundly misleading statistic. (not strictly accurate but you get my gist) we share 97% of our dna with vegetables.

@droid. don't encourage him you soppy bastard.
 

droid

Well-known member
He has a point though, Dave Soldier's Elephant Orchestra has done a lot more for music than any ape.


I think John Eden went to see them at Cafe OTO recently.
 
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