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Thread: Harambe's Law

  1. #1
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    Default Harambe's Law


  2. #2
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    There was a boy whose name was Jim
    His friends were very good to him
    They gave him tea and cakes and jam
    And slices of delicious ham
    And chocolate with pink inside
    And little tricycles to ride
    They read him stories through and through
    And even took him to the zoo
    But there it was the awful fate
    Befell him, which I now relate
    You know (at least you ought to know
    For I have often told you so)
    That children never are allowed
    To leave their nurses in a crowd
    Now this was Jim's especial foible
    He ran away when he was able
    And on this inauspicious day
    He slipped his hand and ran away
    He hadn't gone a yard when BANG
    With open jaws a lion sprang
    And hungrily began to eat
    The boy, beginning at his feet
    Now just imagine how it feels
    When first your toes and then your heels
    And then by varying degrees
    Your shins and ankles, calves and knees
    Are slowly eaten bit by bit
    No wonder Jim detested it
    No wonder that he shouted "Ai"
    The honest keeper heard his cry
    Though very fat, he almost ran
    To help the little gentleman
    "Ponto," he ordered as he came
    For Ponto was the lion's name
    "Ponto," he said with angry frown
    "Down sir, let go, put it down!"
    The lion made a sudden stop
    He let the dainty morsel drop
    And slunk reluctant to his cage
    Snarling with disappointed rage
    But when he bent him over, Jim
    The honest keeper's eyes grew dim
    The lion having reached his head
    The miserable boy was dead
    When nurse informed his parents they
    Were more concerned than I can say
    His mother as she dried her eyes
    Said "It gives me no surprise
    He would not do as he was told."
    His father who was self-controlled
    Bade all the children round attend
    To James's miserable end.
    And always keep ahold of nurse
    For fear of finding something worse.

  3. #3
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    Thought Harambe's Law was going to be: in any situation where a human and an animal are killed, the greatest outrage will be focused on the animal's death. Like the dog in Independence Day (which almost died).

  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by Woebot View Post
    I know it's tempting to see it that way, but as this piece points out, very small children are mad little shits (paraphrasing here a bit) and it can take only a second's distraction on the part of a parent for a kid to vanish from sight. Without having seen what happened first-hand, it's impossible to say whether this happened because of culpable parental negligence or the sort of simple bad luck that could happen to any parent.

    And maybe the zoo should be looking into how an unassisted four-year-old could get into its gorilla enclosure?

    (Totally agree that there should be legal consequences for teens and adults who enter animal enclosures 'for a laugh' - assuming, that is, they're still alive afterwards to prosecute.)

    Edit: I like Corpsey's idea, too.
    Last edited by Mr. Tea; 01-06-2016 at 06:10 PM.
    Doin' the Lambeth Warp New: DISSENSUS - THE NOVEL - PM me your email address and I'll add you

  5. #5

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    I blame Harambe, personally. If he'd just sat back at a distance and waved for attention instead of pawing the kid and dragging it around, he might still be alive.

    Anyway, it was probably only a matter of time before Harambe went mad and started trying to punch out his keepers and tear their faces off, so they'd have had to ventilate him at some point.

  6. #6
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    I blame the gorilla's parents.
    Doin' the Lambeth Warp New: DISSENSUS - THE NOVEL - PM me your email address and I'll add you

  7. #7
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    There was a boy whose name was Jim
    His friends were very good to him
    They gave him tea and cakes and jam
    And slices of delicious ham
    And chocolate with pink inside
    And little tricycles to ride
    They read him stories through and through
    And even took him to the zoo
    But there it was the awful fate
    Befell him, which I now relate
    You know (at least you ought to know
    For I have often told you so)
    That children never are allowed
    To leave their nurses in a crowd
    Now this was Jim's especial foible
    He ran away when he was able
    And on this inauspicious day
    He slipped his hand and ran away
    He hadn't gone a yard when BANG
    With open jaws a lion sprang
    And hungrily began to eat
    The boy, beginning at his feet
    Now just imagine how it feels
    When first your toes and then your heels
    And then by varying degrees
    Your shins and ankles, calves and knees
    Are slowly eaten bit by bit
    No wonder Jim detested it
    No wonder that he shouted "Ai"
    The honest keeper heard his cry
    Though very fat, he almost ran
    To help the little gentleman
    "Ponto," he ordered as he came
    For Ponto was the lion's name
    "Ponto," he said with angry frown
    "Down sir, let go, put it down!"
    The lion made a sudden stop
    He let the dainty morsel drop
    And slunk reluctant to his cage
    Snarling with disappointed rage
    But when he bent him over, Jim
    The honest keeper's eyes grew dim
    The lion having reached his head
    The miserable boy was dead
    When nurse informed his parents they
    Were more concerned than I can say
    His mother as she dried her eyes
    Said "It gives me no surprise
    He would not do as he was told."
    His father who was self-controlled
    Bade all the children round attend
    To James's miserable end.
    And always keep ahold of nurse
    For fear of finding something worse.
    Seems like some kind of remix of Albert and the lion.

  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mr. Tea View Post
    very small children are mad little shits
    requiring very close supervision

  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by IdleRich View Post
    Seems like some kind of remix of Albert and the lion.
    http://www.gutenberg.org/files/27424...-h/27424-h.htm

  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by martin View Post
    I blame Harambe, personally. If he'd just sat back at a distance and waved for attention instead of pawing the kid and dragging it around, he might still be alive.
    he was thinking... is this a baby? or food? baby? food?

  11. #11

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    Quote Originally Posted by Woebot View Post
    he was thinking... is this a baby? or food? baby? food?
    Well...! I think that says it all really. Even at my most spazmatically drunk, I've always been able to tell the difference between some screaming little fucker in dungarees and a juicy, wholesome shish kebab.

    All this stuff about 'our closest relatives' and '98% identical genes' is just a load of garbage, IMO. I'd say it's more like 32%. Sure, you can get a gorilla to roll a brussel sprout down a chute, or pee in a toilet bowl, if you spend 8 weeks (and a lot of electro shock treatment) training them to do exactly that, but so what? It's not like they can cook or play even a rudimentary punk riff on guitar. Dogs are more intelligent.

  12. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by martin View Post
    It's not like they can cook or play even a rudimentary punk riff on guitar.
    Think they generally prefer new wave synths.


  13. #13
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    Doin' the Lambeth Warp New: DISSENSUS - THE NOVEL - PM me your email address and I'll add you

  14. #14

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    Quote Originally Posted by droid View Post
    Think they generally prefer new wave synths.

    Nice try, but that's clearly Steve Reich wearing a gorilla costume.

    A real gorilla would have smeared shit all over the keys, swung that woman round by the hair until her neck snapped and then mauled the camera (probably mistaking it for a 'child').

  15. #15
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    I missed you Martin.

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