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Thread: Buying baby monkeys in London

  1. #1

    Default Buying baby monkeys in London

    I want to get hold of some baby monkeys - preferably Japanese macaques, but I could be open to capuchins and/or vervets. I think it'd be a laugh to train them to stand in the corner in butler / maid outfits and run to the fridge to fetch me a can of beer when I click my fingers.

    I could also train them to do a bit of dusting - maybe even hoovering and toilet cleaning - to earn their keep in fruit. I also think it'd be a great stress reliever to dress one up in a Morrissey t-shirt (or arsenal kit) and beat it with a wooden spoon

    My mate in Singapore deals with infant macaques all the time - he trains them up as greyhound jockeys and makes a fortune hosting high-stakes race meets for corporate bigwigs and pro gamblers in Abu Dhabi. However, they're quite easy (and comparatively cheap) to pick up over there, plus he doesn't have RSPCA busybodies sticking their oar in. Unfortunately, it's very difficult to smuggle one back to Heathrow...

    So, does anyone know where you can get them in London? There must be SOME dodgy exotic pet shop or Asian criminal syndicate who can get me one (or several) at a decent price, no questions asked. Come on Dissensus, make my monkey training dream come true.

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  3. #2
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    Simplest thing is to get one off your mate, spend a bit of time training it up and then snuggle it into the UK under a shady passport.

    The only major risk with it is that your new friend may arouse suspicion on the flight when asked if they want tea or coffee. You might get round that by drugging them I guess.

    Alternatively you could pay to have yer man smuggled in?

    Unfortunately iím out of the loop with the illegal monkey trading scene in London these days... Woebot may know more?

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  5. #3
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    Open smuggling routes are mostly on water these days, for people or contraband
    So it's either get Craner to sort you out a yacht, or get yr beasty over from Calais in the boot of yr motor

    but wtf?

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  7. #4
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    there are steps

    1 become a policeman
    2 go undercover as a spycop in ALF
    3 urge your cell to break into the local university medical or neuro labs. It'll be wall to wall macaques in there.
    4 wait in the getaway van until you have a full load of macaques, baboons, etc
    5 drive off leaving the ALFers to do the explaining
    6 shave off the dreads, go back to everyday plodding, but now with added monkeys

    I honestly can't see any other way of doing this.

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  9. #5
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    Hey Martin, any updates on this?

    You can adopt a Macaque here: http://www.ape-monkey-rescue.org.uk/macaquemonkeys.html

    So an alternative approach would be to stump up the £35 quid for that and then head down there with some hotshot lawyers and demand to take possession of your adoptee?

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  11. #6

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    I was hoping this would be as easy as Sufi DMing me the address of a secretive pet shop in Brick Lane.

    But, as a certain rock band might have put it: It's a long way to the top if you want to gatecrash a 'Fuck Trump' rally with two macaques on unicycles, waving black flags. Clearly, my macaque-harvesting mission has only begun.

    Posing as a cop and robbing a lab IS a damn good idea. I could also make money on the side confiscating and reselling drugs around London. Similarly, I agree with John E - if I pay for a monkey's upkeep, I should at least get weekend visits.

    Problem is, though, mature monkeys are completely impossible to train. Won't share your kebab with them? Bite your face off. Startle them by slamming a door? Bite your face off. Bring back a friend? Shower you in shite and bite your faces off. You either have to put up with all that bullshit...or sell them back to the lab (for pennies), flog them to a gullible, childless couple or let them loose in Epping Forest.

    I need young ones I can train up in my own image. Impressionable, feeble-minded, blank slates...

  12. #7
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    Hmm this might be trickier than I had first anticipated too.

    You're just gonna have to play the long game and get two adults of opposite sexes and breed your own...


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