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Thread: How to sound like a nonce in art galleries

  1. #1
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    Default How to sound like a nonce in art galleries

    Ive somehow convinced a yat to go out with me. Shes an arty fatty type and I (stupidly) suggested art galleries. She loves the saatchi in London so obviously were heading there. Problem is I know fuck all about art galleries!!

    Im really trying to get a grasp of the kind of stuff I would expect your average dissensus user to say at galleries.
    What should I compliment,
    How detached from the experience should I be,
    How can I look really cool and informed while knowing positively fuck all
    Generally just easy ways to blather on and pretend I know something about a subject I clearly dont

    Alright cheers lads hopefully I get some gasholine


    https://www.saatchigallery.com/art/salon_008.php
    On the 23rd

  2. #2
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    you're screwed.


  3. #3
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    If you act like it's a big deal it will probably be perceived as so.

  4. #4
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    wear sunglasses

  5. #5
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    1.jpg

    try to come up with a similar outfit as the woman on the left
    + wear sunglasses

    then say "did you know that the saatchi gallery is WORLD'S No 1 MUSEUM ON SOCIAL MEDIA"?

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  7. #6
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    A nonce is basically a sex offender or paedo right? Why do you want to sound like one of those? You reckon she'll go for that?

  8. #7
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    seriously, the best thing to do is just to come clean. nothing wrong with admitting you don't know much about art but are interested, open to going to galleries and learning. chances are she'll look kindly on your honesty and interest in doing something she likes to do. if she can't deal with and appreciate that, the heck with her.

    I'm far from an art expert but spend a fair amount to time visiting galleries and museums, and I still feel a bit uncomfortable at times when with people who really know their shit, for fear I'll say something stupid or miss something that everyone else gets. it ain't easy! it's also highly likely that trying to fake it will backfire, so why bother.

    keep in mind, this is a first date, not a contemporary arts exam, so the main focus is actually be on each other. the gallery is just the surroundings, the meeting place, the jumping off point.

    god, remembering back on my dating days, glad those are over! good luck!

  9. #8
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    Let your actions speak
    Steal something and leg it, with or without her
    If you're a panty-wearer, and it sounds like you are, pretend
    arty fatty types love a badboy

    Good, actionable advice. You're welcome.
    Last edited by HMGovt; 04-11-2018 at 12:30 PM.

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    Leo

  11. #9
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    ha...contrary advice but with a common thread: don't bother trying to make it seem like you're an art aficionado.

  12. #10
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    say what you see. say what you feel. say what you think.

    what is the physical object in front of you? what shape or shapes? what textures? what interplay of light and shade? what colours, in what proportions and relationships? weight? mass? density?

    how do you feel in relationship to the object? to the physical fact? you standing there, facing it. what's the relationship? do you feel small? vulnerable? disengaged? enervated? alienated? angry? confused?

    what do you feel as the object? when you take on the condition of the object? when you collapse the distinction between observer and observed- when you become what you perceive?

    and what ideas does all of this generate? what associations arise in the mind? has all this been done before, with greater clarity and impact? or is it something new? does it make something happen in your mind? a train of thought set in motion? if not, why not?

    all of this is very simple and straightforward. there is no code you need to crack. you just need to work out what is happening to you as you make contact with and enter into relationship with the object in front of you. gather the feedback, assess it, communicate it.

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    Leo

  14. #11
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    travel with your eye from left to right through a colour scale
    http://gaska.mainelycommerce.com/-color-scale/
    register what happens in each discrete territory, how those zone affect you, how there is a physical response, as sensation, how there is an emotional response, how there is an intellectual response-
    blue means a variety of things, associations, webs of metaphor, sea, sky, calm, pure, cold
    this is how art operates. again, it's very simple. everybody knows how to do it already.

    if you act like an idiot people will assume you really are an idiot. don't second guess yourself. don't tie yourself in knots. the answer is always right in front of you.

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  16. #12

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    Quote Originally Posted by Ibadan View Post
    I (stupidly) suggested art galleries
    Yeah, bad move. Just about every bloke she's dated this year has suggested an art gallery. HMGovt is right - did 'Common People' teach you nothing? Be a 'bad boy' and take to her a rowdy pub or one of these road rap shindigs that young hooligans like, or something.


    Quote Originally Posted by Ibadan View Post
    Shes an arty fatty type
    Go to the Tate instead, head straight for the cafe' and stuff her with banana cake and coffee. Gobjob's in the bag. Plus, you can get your mobiles out and aggrovate the yuppie twats freaking out in their see-through flats opposite.

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