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Thread: Pub and Club Toilets

  1. #31
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    If pubs and nightclubs can be extended to include festivals, someone here has a great story about suddenly finding himself about to vomit, running over to the nearest unoccupied portaloo, heaving the door open and letting rip. Except it wasn't unoccupied: there was a hapless pooer who had neglected to lock the door.

    Realising his error, our hero - with that unerring instinct of the severely wasted - decided he'd better get the first punch in, and then ran away. So the poor guy on the bog got puked on and punched in the face within about three seconds. Must've severely harshed his buzz, I'd have thought.

    Now who was it? It's got 'martin' written all over it, but I can't be sure.
    Last edited by Mr. Tea; 19-06-2019 at 10:15 PM.
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  3. #32
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    After the words first punch in I think I just laughed harder than I have in a very long time
    Took a rest stop that wasn't on the schedule

  4. #33
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    It's a good 'un, innit?

    On the one hand it's a shame I can't take personal credit for it, but on the other I'm glad not to have that on my conscience.
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  5. #34
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    My brother has a good anecdote which doesn't involve toilets per se but it does involve a penis and sudden violence, so it sort of belongs here.

    He was on a business trip to some hilly coastal resort town in the Med somewhere (this is relevant, read on). He'd had dinner with his clients and business partners and was walking back down this little steep winding road towards his hotel, when he turned a corner and found himself face to face with a man, a complete stranger, who immediately dropped his pants and started masturbating furiously. (I'm going to assume he was doing it furiously - it's not really the sort of situation where you'd pleasure yourself languidly. That would be totally inappropriate.) So my brother reacted with some sort of lizard-brain by-passing of his higher functions by walloping this guy in the face as hard as he could (he's not a trained pugilist but he's fairly stocky, so there's a good chance he broke the guy's nose) and legging it back the way he came.

    After a couple of turns on this little road, he paused and looked down and saw the man stumbling along with his pants around his knees, trying to pull them up with one hand while cradling his profusely bleeding nose with the other, rapidly detumescing* cock still visible.

    *second outing in the thread for this excellent phrase
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  6. #35
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    Quote Originally Posted by version View Post
    Another time I went for a piss and the toilets was completely jammed with people, blood all over the place. It turned out that one of my mates had bought a couple of drinks, tried to dance back over to where he was sat, tripped over and landed face first on his own drink.
    that's fucking horrendous, but equally I'm surprised it doesn't happen more often

  7. #36
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    It wasn't quite as bad as it sounds - the glass didn't break - but it was pretty nasty. He basically headbutted the rim and burst his eyebrow, had this huge jagged split, like a cracked egg.

  8. #37
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    ah that's bad, but i'd assumed the glass had broken, which was a horrible thought

  9. #38
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    There's something toe curling about hitting something hard like that and not having it break too though. There's a clip of Steve-O (Jackass) trying to smash a bottle over some guy's head and it's worse than it simply breaking, makes this horrible clunk sound and he ends up with these huge lumps on his head.


  10. #39
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    Quote Originally Posted by baboon2004 View Post
    ah that's bad, but i'd assumed the glass had broken, which was a horrible thought
    Yeah, it makes me do a sort of full-body wince.
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  11. #40
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    "There's something toe curling about hitting something hard like that and not having it break too though."

    Reminds me that Mauricio Pochettino made the Spurs team run into arrows pointed at their throats, as preparation for kicking a ball around in an important match. Future cult leader.

  12. #41
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    Quote Originally Posted by baboon2004 View Post
    "There's something toe curling about hitting something hard like that and not having it break too though."
    Reminds me that Mauricio Pochettino made the Spurs team run into arrows pointed at their throats, as preparation for kicking a ball around in an important match. Future cult leader.
    What? I never heard that. You mean "in the direction of" or actually "into them"?

  13. #42
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    https://www.theguardian.com/football...s-league-final

    Yep I was gobsmacked. He genuinely came across as a reasonable, mild-mannered guy, had everyone fooled.

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