Favourite jokes and one-liners.
- Thread starter baboon2004
- Start date
The standard response is
"What?"
"Wrong guess"
In the same vain, you are breathing the air I shat on.
"What?"
"Wrong guess"
In the same vain, you are breathing the air I shat on.
rockypoppy2
wtf?
frankie boyle on the olympics reviving our British Identity;
For 5 billion pounds couldnt we have done something better like writted Fuck You Germany in massive letters on the moon
For 5 billion pounds couldnt we have done something better like writted Fuck You Germany in massive letters on the moon
mistersloane
heavy heavy monster sound
perfectly logically defensible position! That made me laugh out loud.
bill hicks joke from 1st gulf war...
baboon2004
Darned cockwombles.
Absolute classic. And the thing is, he's right.
that's tim vine! he's the business. i got his record-breaking 10 billion jokes in a hour DVD, it's just bizarre. it wears you down, 1-liner after 1-liner for an hour. amazing!
p.s. how many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
two. one to change the bulb and the other to suck my dick.
Mr. Tea
Let's Talk About Ceps
I think you'll find the additional feminist is needed to write a paper on the Freudian semiotics of 'screwing in' a bulb, with reference to the chauvinistic privilege of the active, dominant 'live' wire over the passive, feminine 'neutral' wire and something about how Thomas Edison raped electrons.
Or: "none: they have to get a man to do it for them".
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swears
preppy-kei
"At a U2 concert in Glasgow, Bono asks the audience for some quiet. Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands. Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone, 'Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.' A voice from near the front pierces the silence: 'Well, stop clapping your fucking hands then!' "
hundredmillionlifetimes
Banned
Mr. Tea
Let's Talk About Ceps
You should see his Maddie tribute...
baboon2004
Darned cockwombles.
OK, I'm back at work and need a laugh or two:
The Association of British Travel Agents (ABTA) has published some of the more bizarre complaints received from Britons holidaying abroad:
“No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled.”
“We had to queue outside with no air conditioning.”
“It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel.”
“I was bitten by a mosquito no-one said they could bite.”
“We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels.”
“We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white.”
“It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took the Americans three hours to get home.”
“My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked.”
“I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends’ three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller.”
“The brochure stated: ‘No hairdressers at the accommodation’. We’re trainee hairdressers will we be OK staying here?”
And finally, from a holidaymaker in Spain:
“There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners.”
The Association of British Travel Agents (ABTA) has published some of the more bizarre complaints received from Britons holidaying abroad:
“No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled.”
“We had to queue outside with no air conditioning.”
“It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel.”
“I was bitten by a mosquito no-one said they could bite.”
“We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels.”
“We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white.”
“It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took the Americans three hours to get home.”
“My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked.”
“I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends’ three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller.”
“The brochure stated: ‘No hairdressers at the accommodation’. We’re trainee hairdressers will we be OK staying here?”
And finally, from a holidaymaker in Spain:
“There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners.”
A young woman at the supermarket checkout is unloading her basket. She pulls out a microwave soup for one, a frozen dinner for one and a small tub of ice-cream. Seeing this, the young man behind her smiles and says,
'Single?'
'Yes, how did you know?' she replies,
'You're minging.'
*sorry to non-uk slang speaking ppl
'Single?'
'Yes, how did you know?' she replies,
'You're minging.'
*sorry to non-uk slang speaking ppl