Favourite jokes and one-liners.

B

baboon2004

Darned cockwombles.
OK, it's Friday, I'm at work, and no-one in my office is saying anything funny. Summary: I need a laugh. So, what are your favourite one-liners?

Mine (have self-censored for the moment, as I have a dark sense of humour):

Frankie Boyle ('Mock the Week') is a current favourite, for gems like this, in a round where contestants are given an answer, and have to deduce the question:

Answer: 265 million.

'Is it, what is the current chart position of Peter Andre's Drum and Bass Christmas?'

Answer; Tired, lost and confused.

'Is it, statistically, what are the worst words to use on your CV?'


And Demetri Martin:

'Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say. Sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of - it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like after 'I love you' or 'You're going to live' or 'It's a boy.'
 
swears

swears

preppy-kei
Sorry mate, I had a huge collection of ice-lolly sticks with some wicked jokes on them (of course, I threw the ones with racist jokes away) but since I moved house I lost them, shame really.
 
B

baboon2004

Darned cockwombles.
That's the spirit!

My favourite joke (it's a sick one and I won't go through all the rigmarole of saying how I don't actually endorse this, and I just think it's quite witty blah blah blah)


What would the Queen Mother (insert least favourite dead 'celebrity' here) be doing if she were alive today?












Scratching at the lid of her coffin.
 
B

baboon2004

Darned cockwombles.
I wouldn't disagree with you, but I am also fond of the one-liner (which, for example, Woody Allen does (or used to do?) so well)
 
swears

swears

preppy-kei
Let's have some classic Woody lines then:

"Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem."

"If my film makes one more person feel miserable, I'll feel like I've done my job."

"Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all."

"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred."
 
Z

zhao

there are no accidents
personally i think the best ones are the wrong ones. as in offensive and horrendously un-PC. such as racist jokes.

is it ok to post racist jokes here if i make fun of my own race first? (we desperately need more white people jokes)

here goes (fuck it):

how do Chinese people name their kids?












by throwing a spoon into the bathroom and taking the first 3 sounds -- "Ding Dong Ching"

.................

jewish man gets off at Heathrow airport, England, and customs official asks him: "occupation?"

and he replies:












"no just visiting"

...............

why do black people always have sex on their minds?















because they got pubic hair growin on they head.
 
B

baboon2004

Darned cockwombles.
zhao said:
personally i think the best ones are the wrong ones. as in offensive and horrendously un-PC. such as racist jokes.

is it ok to post racist jokes here if i make fun of my own race first? (we desperately need more white people jokes)
Click to expand...

Well, it's a hugely interesting question, isn't it? My own personal thing would be to say (I'm white): "who am I to tell you you can't make fun of your own race"?

More broadly, I would find jokes that centre around issues where 99.9 per cent of people agree morally, are, in some way, OK (hence I have little compunction about paedophile jokes, except to never obviously tell them in front of someone who might be offended for personal reasons). On the other hand, those jokes about issues where there is a real social schism (race, homophobia), I don't find funny.

It's hardly a failproof system, but is there any rationality in my view on this?
 
B

baboon2004

Darned cockwombles.
swears said:
Let's have some classic Woody lines then:

"Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem."

"If my film makes one more person feel miserable, I'll feel like I've done my job."

"Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all."

"You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred."
Click to expand...

"Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. "

"It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more. "

And let's not forget Dorothy:

"This book should not be tossed aside slightly. It should be tossed aside with great force."

" 'We haven't seen much of you lately - Where have you been lately, Miss Parker?'
'I've been fucking busy and vice versa'. "



Oh, and to add to what I said above, humour intersects massively with power relationships, obv enough.
 
swears

swears

preppy-kei
I think humour that points out the absurdity of hatred or prejudice can be hilarious, like the tvgohome stuff that took the piss out of Richard Littlejohn, or the pig-ignorant whites in Blazing Saddles. But lesser minds are aften out to shock for the sake of it, without any satirical aim. I'm as guilty of enjoying sick humour and trolling/winding people up as much as anyone, tho.
 
B

baboon2004

Darned cockwombles.
swears said:
I think humour that points out the absurdity of hatred or prejudice can be hilarious, like the tvgohome stuff that took the piss out of Richard Littlejohn, or the pig-ignorant whites in Blazing Saddles. But lesser minds are aften out to shock for the sake of it, without any satirical aim. I'm as guilty of enjoying sick humour and trolling/winding people up as much as anyone, tho.
Click to expand...

Yeah, I agree. Once (prob more) someone told me a pathetically unfunny paedophile joke to be 'edgy'. he didn't understand that I wasn't laughing cos I was shocked, but because the joke was shite.

Tvgohome was great, wasn't it? :)
 
M

mistersloane

heavy heavy monster sound
What's the difference between a white man and a snake?

One is an evil, cold-blooded, venomous, slimy creature of Satan, and the other is a snake.
 
Z

zhao

there are no accidents
thanks Mr. Sloan

i still don't know if it's time to tell the REALLY bad ones...

the book tossed aside slightly reminds me of:

"the play was terrible but i saw it under horrible conditions...











the curtain was up"

-- Groucho
 
L

Lichen

Well-known member
Two lads are walking down Golders Green High Street.

On seeing a tasty blonde, one leans towards the other and says:

"Hey, Chaim, I'd lend her one"
 
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