Favourite jokes and one-liners.

IdleRich

IdleRich

IdleRich
My flatmate has been pissing me off recently so I've taken to leaving signed photos of Bruce Springsteen around the house - that way he'll soon know who's the boss.

(apologies if I put that up before)

There's a Prince record I want to buy but it's really expensive - twenty quid! Still, I'm gonna party like it's £19.99.
 
IdleRich

IdleRich

IdleRich
I was asked about my availability to run a football team in Sheffield - I said I'm normally around but I can't manage Wednesday.
 
P

paolo

Mechanical phantoms
Mr. Tea said:
The one I heard was "Why does Noddy have bells on his hat? Because he's a cunt."

Sure I've said this one before, but I love jokes that have multiple punchlines. The second punchline can be used to surprise someone who thinks they know what's coming next because they've heard the first punchline:

Q. Why do anarchists only drink herbal tea?
A(1). Because all proper tea is theft.
A(2). Because they're a bunch of smelly hippy cunts.
Click to expand...

In that vein, what's worse than finding a maggot in your apple?




Rape
 
Slothrop

Slothrop

Tight but Polite
How much does a cockney pay for shampoo?

Pantene.

Sorry, that one probably doesn't work so well in writing...
 
P

Phaedo

Well-known member
Whats black and screams?

Stevie Wonder answering the iron.

"Old Jews Telling Jokes" was great would like to rewatch it.
 
B

baboon2004

Darned cockwombles.
Pantene joke is brilliant - stealing that one.

Old Jews Telling Jokes - I thought the jokes were so-so, but the delivery was utterly amazing almost to a woman/man. Kind of people who I wish were in my extended family (a lot of them were in their sixties it seemed) - would've made family gatherings so much easier to bear....
 
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petergunn

plywood violin
Mr. Tea said:
Good, but not up there with the Jewish paedo.
Click to expand...


a boy and a child molester take a walk into some thick woods. they keep walking deeper and deeper in and it gets darker and darker. "hey mister, i'm getting scared," the boy says. "you're scared?" the child molester replies, "i'm one the one who has to walk home alone...."
 
L

Lichen

Well-known member
Walking through Golders Green Ben and Chaim spot a hot blonde.
Ben leans in to his pal

"I'd lend her one"
 
STN

STN

sou'wester
I got a letter from the origami society the other day ... I didn't know what to make of it.
 
Mr. Tea

Mr. Tea

Let's Talk About Ceps
"My dog's got no nose!"
"How does he smell?"
"He can't. It's a pretty serious disability for a dog."
 
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