Buying baby monkeys in London


I want to get hold of some baby monkeys - preferably Japanese macaques, but I could be open to capuchins and/or vervets. I think it'd be a laugh to train them to stand in the corner in butler / maid outfits and run to the fridge to fetch me a can of beer when I click my fingers.

I could also train them to do a bit of dusting - maybe even hoovering and toilet cleaning - to earn their keep in fruit. I also think it'd be a great stress reliever to dress one up in a Morrissey t-shirt (or arsenal kit) and beat it with a wooden spoon :cool:

My mate in Singapore deals with infant macaques all the time - he trains them up as greyhound jockeys and makes a fortune hosting high-stakes race meets for corporate bigwigs and pro gamblers in Abu Dhabi. However, they're quite easy (and comparatively cheap) to pick up over there, plus he doesn't have RSPCA busybodies sticking their oar in. Unfortunately, it's very difficult to smuggle one back to Heathrow... :(

So, does anyone know where you can get them in London? There must be SOME dodgy exotic pet shop or Asian criminal syndicate who can get me one (or several) at a decent price, no questions asked. Come on Dissensus, make my monkey training dream come true.

john eden

male pale and stale
Simplest thing is to get one off your mate, spend a bit of time training it up and then snuggle it into the UK under a shady passport.

The only major risk with it is that your new friend may arouse suspicion on the flight when asked if they want tea or coffee. You might get round that by drugging them I guess.

Alternatively you could pay to have yer man smuggled in?

Unfortunately i’m out of the loop with the illegal monkey trading scene in London these days... Woebot may know more?


Open smuggling routes are mostly on water these days, for people or contraband
So it's either get Craner to sort you out a yacht, or get yr beasty over from Calais in the boot of yr motor

but wtf?


Bamber Clatscoigne
there are steps

1 become a policeman
2 go undercover as a spycop in ALF
3 urge your cell to break into the local university medical or neuro labs. It'll be wall to wall macaques in there.
4 wait in the getaway van until you have a full load of macaques, baboons, etc
5 drive off leaving the ALFers to do the explaining
6 shave off the dreads, go back to everyday plodding, but now with added monkeys

I honestly can't see any other way of doing this.


I was hoping this would be as easy as Sufi DMing me the address of a secretive pet shop in Brick Lane.

But, as a certain rock band might have put it: It's a long way to the top if you want to gatecrash a 'Fuck Trump' rally with two macaques on unicycles, waving black flags. Clearly, my macaque-harvesting mission has only begun.

Posing as a cop and robbing a lab IS a damn good idea. I could also make money on the side confiscating and reselling drugs around London. Similarly, I agree with John E - if I pay for a monkey's upkeep, I should at least get weekend visits.

Problem is, though, mature monkeys are completely impossible to train. Won't share your kebab with them? Bite your face off. Startle them by slamming a door? Bite your face off. Bring back a friend? Shower you in shite and bite your faces off. You either have to put up with all that bullshit...or sell them back to the lab (for pennies), flog them to a gullible, childless couple or let them loose in Epping Forest.

I need young ones I can train up in my own image. Impressionable, feeble-minded, blank slates...

Mr. Tea

Shub-Niggurath, Please
Simplest thing is to get one off your mate, spend a bit of time training it up and then snuggle it into the UK under a shady passport.

I'm assuming this is a typo for 'smuggling' but in the context it works even better.


I'm assuming this is a typo for 'smuggling' but in the context it works even better.

If you think these herpes-riddled fleabags are entering my home for some much craved pampering and snuggles with surrogate mum teddy bears, you're gravely mistaken. I'm not offering a holiday retreat - more a boot camp.

Oh sure, they'll get fed - presuming they PERFORM. Got to rule these miscreant macaques with an iron fist. Just look up the old 'baboon siege' thread on Dissensus for a glimpse at the carnage that unravels when you give these fuckers an inch.

First trick will see them standing upright, hands on heads, while I waft a bowl of chopped bananas under their noses. Any of 'em foolish enough to try and grab the food ends up in the washing machine, 60degs, 'Wash Plus'.

Not all will make it as greyhound jockeys, domestic servants, Riverdancers or DJs - them's the breaks. Death or glory.



The female monkeys were climbing onto the deer and grinding their genitals against the deer's backs.

AKA 'daggering'. Actually, seems a lot less rapey than the headline suggested...

Japanese macaques are known to ride deer like humans ride horses

OK, I'm going to glue some wings to a deer and recreate the back cover of the s/t Prince LP with a randy macaque. Will go nicely with the song "Bambi" too. Can train it to ride the deer through a cloud of dry ice as the warm-up for darts matches.
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john eden

male pale and stale
I think the restaurant just needs to instigate Martin's training regime?

Or actually I dunno - Martin, is the plan to get the monkeys to bite kids, or not bite kids?


Martin, is the plan to get the monkeys to bite kids, or not bite kids?

Oh, come on. You really need to ask?? :rolleyes:

The boy was fine, didn’t even need stitches but Carrabba’s was forced to ban monkeys

Health and safety gone mad.

though service dogs and ponies are still welcome, “like at Publix,” as one manager put it.

A service pony? Do they ride it into the place, Studio 54 style? Also, 'Publix' sounds like some trashy 1977 Leeds punk venue.

Still, if the couple need help, I'm willing to step in as a 'monkey whisperer', for a moderate fee.


Well-known member
There was Irish new wave band called The Atrix. My mates Dad was a member and it wasnt until many years after seeing the tapes lying around his house that I actually got the joke.