Are Friends Real?

luka

Well-known member
Staff member
What are friends? Are they more annoying than they are useful? How often do we need to see them? Do they just exist to aid and abet our bad habits? Is friendship becoming impossible? Outmoded? What might we replace it with?
 

luka

Well-known member
Staff member
Do you have friends? What do you do with them? Do they understand you? Does it matter? How long have you known them? How many do you have? When's the last time you made a new one? Is a friendship a romance?
 

Leo

Well-known member
I have only a few close friends, then another half-dozen or so people I know fairly well and am friendly with but see or speak with only a two or three times a year. then there's another handful who are further removed, maybe someone I knew from a job years ago and might connect with once every two or three years. maybe the level is based on what you feel comfortable sharing with them in terms of time and personal issues. I never believe people who seem to have tons of friends, they probably aren't actually close with any of them.

I don't have any friends from childhood, but still close with two (formerly three) guys I went to college with many years ago. the third guy moved to Barcelona a long time ago, so we email but not able to hang out. also less likely to make new friends as you get older. it's easier when younger, everyone has lots of energy, spare time and shared interests. later on, everyone gets caught up in careers and family, little time to go beyond. and honestly, at a certain point I became content with what I had in terms of friendships and genuinely happy to have fewer outside commitments. I respect some friends my age who still make the effort to go see bands play, etc. I miss it to some degree but obviously not enough to get off my ass.

dissensus definitely fills a spot on the friend spectrum. I don't "know" know any of you but feel a certain camaraderie, a relationship exists. perhaps the perfect relationship: one where you can lean into discussing a topic ad nauseam and then, when not in the mood, completely disconnect for days or weeks to no ill effects.
 

Corpsey

call me big papa
Online friends I don't think are any "less" for just being online. We exhibit various aspects of ourselves with different people, after all, and - as you say - there are conversations I can have on here that I can't with any of my IRL friends.

I'm a naturally shy and solitary person but without company I go mad. Friends are very important. I am in love with some of my friends as much as I am with members of my family and sometimes I have a horrible intimation of them one day dying.

Better to let the relationship wither on the vine, so that when the death comes it doesn't hurt so much.

In any case at my age (34), friendships are starting to wither by themselves, to be replaced by marriage and parenthood, for others - for myself, who knows? The consolations of philosophy? A lot of wanking?
 

entertainment

Well-known member
I have three good friends who I see weekly, mostly when going out these days. We were a bigger group of 7-8 guys but some have fallen by, prioritizing girlfriends or other things I don't know. I know they're not into going out anymore, which is probably why we don't see each other that much anymore.

It's not that I can't see people unless it's getting drunk, but sharing that curiosity and sharing the experiences you get from it is a big part of why I cherish my friendships for sure. I don't really need people to talk with or lean on, at least not on a weekly basis.

It's not like every night is some revelatory adventure, but seeking it does express a yearning, or dissatisfaction or at least a boredom, that if you don't have that, if you're settled, really settled, I find it hard to relate.
 

Corpsey

call me big papa
I don't regret not having more friends except that all my existing friends are now either geographically distant or have other stuff to do so now I'm left holding my dick on the blasted heath.

Mainly what I regret is that I am not getting laid 24/7 and that I have to work 9-5.30 every day from now until pension.

Another consolation, such as it is, may be that the solitude and misery of old age is something. I'm better prepared for than the more popular people. LoL!
 

Corpsey

call me big papa
An important function of friendship (as with family and romantic love) is that you get a good idea of the utter idiosyncracy of people, and of the preciousness of that.

I'm a very self involved person so it's important for me to remember that I'm NOT the most interesting person alive from time to time.

Also, at their best, people are as entertaining and fascinating as it gets.

I actually need to be more sociable, now I think of it, but it involves a lot of effort and decision making on my part.
 

entertainment

Well-known member
doesn't have to be curiosity about what you find when going out, or intoxicating yourself, it can be curiosity about anything, life, culture, meaning, whatever.
 

entertainment

Well-known member
An important function of friendship (as with family and romantic love) is that you get a good idea of the utter idiosyncracy of people, and of the preciousness of that.
I've really come to cherish that I have a group where we're open about your insecurities because of this. People become much more exciting, relatable, once you get a peek inside. 75% of what we talk about is still football and other stupids shit, but you won't get funny looks if you open up. Many friend groups of guys my age don't have that, I find.
 

Corpsey

call me big papa
Others have noted this

I'm an Eeyore type, prematurely decrepit

Natural depressive/pessimist tendencies combined with perpetual celibacy (and all the regret that brings)

I feel I'm in the twilight years :crylarf:
 

Corpsey

call me big papa
I've really come to cherish that I have a group where we're open about your insecurities because of this. People become much more exciting, relatable, once you get a peek inside. 75% of what we talk about is still football and other stupids shit, but you won't get funny looks if you open up. Many friend groups of guys my age don't have that, I find.
Yeah, and small talk is absolute death.

Friendship can be suffocating but acquaintance is often just a waste of time.
 

Corpsey

call me big papa
It's possible I'm wrong about this but I get the sense that female friendships are much more intimate ON THE SURFACE. They're intimately acquainted with each others romantic longings and emotional states etc.

Men are more guarded and 90% of it is injokes. There's an intimacy there but it's played as a casual sort of joke. And actually there IS a casualness to it. You don't necessarily care THAT much when you don't see your friends in ages.

My mum is my window into the female nature - constantly interested in my friends, how their jobs are going, what it's like being a parent, etc. Stuff I GENUINELY DONT CARE ABOUT.
 

Corpsey

call me big papa
In fact, being funny (afaic) is one of - if not the - primary thing I'm looking for in a friend. They don't have to be intellectual or anything. Some of my best friends never read anything, don't give a shit about music, much less poetry or painting.
 

entertainment

Well-known member
Others have noted this

I'm an Eeyore type, prematurely decrepit

Natural depressive/pessimist tendencies combined with perpetual celibacy (and all the regret that brings)

I feel I'm in the twilight years :crylarf:
It's probably not as bad as you make it out to be. In any case, you always regret what you don't have. When I'm with someone I wanna be alone, when I'm alone I wanna be with someone.
 

Corpsey

call me big papa
I'd be interested to know how "diverse" people's friends are.

Mine are overwhelmingly straight white blokes from Engerland. This hasn't been a deliberate decision and indeed I lament how few women/POC/gays/foreigners/Jews I am friends with - but nevertheless it's what I've ended up with.
 

entertainment

Well-known member
In fact, being funny (afaic) is one of - if not the - primary thing I'm looking for in a friend. They don't have to be intellectual or anything. Some of my best friends never read anything, don't give a shit about music, much less poetry or painting.
Yeah same here. It might seem superficial but I think there's something intimate about having the same sense of humour. You resonate on some deeper, inexplicable stratum of yourselves. You understand something about each other than can't be expressed in words.
 
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