Mr. Tea

Shub-Niggurath, Please
Staff member
OK, so this thread is so we can stop polluting version's wonderful JCvD thread with Seagal. I know virtually nothing about Seagal except that he's obvious a total tosser and a great candidate for a general figure of fun, so let's go.

I'll start with the observation that he appears to be the living embodiment of a type I'll call the White Martial-Arts Dickhead. (N.b. this is in no way an implication that all or even most white guys who are into martial arts are dickheads, before Padraig books a flight to come and roundhouse-kick my head clean off my shoulders. We're looking here at a very specific sub-set). So these observations can apply to Seagal or to the 'type' in general:

* He has a ponytail. This is compulsory. A small, neat beard helps, but it's not vital.

* Owns a very large, loud, flashy motorbike, perhaps several, doesn't use them much these days.

* He's muscular but also a bit fat. Lives on steak, drinks too much, probable coke habit. His pride and joy is a collection of competition trophies, none of which is less than 15 years old. Obviously still pretty hard in the general scheme of things, in that he could easily beat up an ordinary non-hard person like you or me, but would get his arse handed to him by a half-decent fighter in good shape.

* He has tattoos in Chinese characters that say things like "POWER" and "STRENGTH" and "HARMONY" (or at least, he thinks they do) and almost certainly also a yin-yang. Granted, so do most people these days - which really bothers him, because he's had his for decades.

* He has a collection of Japanese swords mounted on his living-room wall.

* His house is the epitome of 80s bachelor-pad chic. Shiny black leather sofas. Paintings of 'sexy babes', Native Americans etc. on black velvet. He keeps tropical fish and two or three really large and unpleasant-looking dogs, all of which have ridiculous names like 'Genghis'.

* He's not a big reader, but his favourite books are Sun Tzu's The Art of War and anything by Ayn Rand. He tried a couple of James Clavell novels on the recommendation of a friend, but found them a bit too long, complicated and boring, without enough violence and shagging.

* His sexual politics are abysmal. A borderline-to-actual rapist and wifebeater. He routinely holidays in SE Asia, alone or with a few like-minded friends. He publicly claims that porn is "for losers" and that he never watches it. Actually owns a large collection of really nasty porn, all of it featuring very small white or Asian women getting absolutely brutalized by huge black dudes.

* His politics in general are exactly what you'd expect.
 
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version

Who loves ya, baby?
"Gene LeBell was working as a fight coordinator on Out for Justice. Seagal had told everyone that due to his Aikido training, no one could choke him out. When word got around to the 58-year-old LeBell, he proceeded to not only choke Seagal out, but also manipulate a pressure point on the star’s neck, causing him to shit his pants in front of the cast and crew."
 

Mr. Tea

Shub-Niggurath, Please
Staff member
"Gene LeBell was working as a fight coordinator on Out for Justice. Seagal had told everyone that due to his Aikido training, no one could choke him out. When word got around to the 58-year-old LeBell, he proceeded to not only choke Seagal out, but also manipulate a pressure point on the star’s neck, causing him to shit his pants in front of the cast and crew."
Hahaha, wonderful. Source?
 

version

Who loves ya, baby?
It's an old story. There's another version where he pisses himself. Nobody really knows whether it's true or not. LeBell himself has told the story and he's apparently as full of shit, no pun intended, as Seagal is.
 

Mr. Tea

Shub-Niggurath, Please
Staff member
It's an old story. There's another version where he pisses himself. Nobody really knows whether it's true or not. LeBell himself has told the story and he's apparently as full of shit, no pun intended, as Seagal is.
I choose to believe it's true, plus you put quote marks around it, which makes it look official.
 

Mr. Tea

Shub-Niggurath, Please
Staff member
He claims to have loads of gay friends; obviously doesn't. Privately regards all forms of dance music, from disco onwards, as "faggot music". Listens almost exclusively to good, honest, manly, heterosexual hard rock, such as Judas Priest.
 

Mr. Tea

Shub-Niggurath, Please
Staff member
That last bit is inspired by my girlfriend's description of the father of a school friend of hers. He was an archetypal WMADH (complete with ponytail), who was apparently unpleasantly macho and homophobic, and listened predominantly to Queen.
 

version

Who loves ya, baby?
I dunno how much of the list he ticks off, but I can't help thinking of Terry Goodkind.

 

IdleRich

IdleRich
The problem with Segal films is he's so unlikable. When you watch an action hero cockily (smugly in his case) beating up hundreds of people and delivering pithy one-liners it just doesn't work if you're constantly hoping that guy loses and gets his pelvis broken or something.
Segal is definitely way less likable than Willis, Swarz.... Arnie, JCVD, Jackie Chan etc etc
 

IdleRich

IdleRich
One of his films is on almost every day here... also Van Damme for that matter. In fact if you flick through the channels it's always the same scene from the same film that seems to be on, the one where he is this bar and (bizarrely) he plays this game of slapsies against a tough local redneck (I assume, I never watch further).
 

woops

is not like other people
was it sean penn who rushed out to rescue survivors in some flood stricken city and ended up having to get rescued himself? same impulse as mark wahlberg on 9/11. i think segal has tried his hand as a freedom fighter too?
 

IdleRich

IdleRich
Didn't Bruce Willis want to sign up for the army and kill Iraqis or something (I didn't say he's a lot more likable than Segal).
 

version

Who loves ya, baby?
Didn't Bruce Willis want to sign up for the army and kill Iraqis or something (I didn't say he's a lot more likable than Segal).
 
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