dos & donts learnt from an easter weekend away with the kids at theme park.
Dont: Go without ear protection. The high decibel piped acoustics are everywhere and will damage your psyche. Think TV library covers of koyaanisqatsi and lovesick county music, with subliminal i see no evil advertising. Also some some sort of nasal congestant would stop the smell of sweet BBQ burnt meat/flesh odour that is present in most rides, shops and restaurants.
Do: stay at a resort hotel, when it comes to human logistics: they have got you covered.
Dont: Go without young children. If you think this place is somewhere to go on a date, i'm afraid the damage is permanent and you have no hope of recovery. The scariest thing in the whole park!
Do: prebook & pay for breakfast in the resort. This will mean you will get 2 hours of going on the main rides with only 5-15min queues. In that time you will go on more rides than the rest of the day.
Dont: submit to 45min-1h30min waits for a 3min ride (and that's with with so called fast-passes). Its easy to become dazed like a lab-rat obeying pavlov dog (did i mention how good the human logistic deparment is?). And if that doesn't get you, the family gang queue jumping is sure to bring out the most deeply buried racism and Xenophobic emotions.
Do: Either go in november half-term when its empty, or skip the rides between noon & six when its at its busiest. During the afternoon go to some shows (disnee studios has loads), or go back to the hotel, have a siesta and come back after 6pm when the queues disappear and the pretty lights come on.
Dont: try and celebrate any religious ritual (like easter) while at the resort. Your childs religious school might be monitoring you via a homework 'diary', but your resort hotel with only provide handwritten scraps of paper with misleading times and town names. You are doomed to failure, let your children point at the fairy castle and proclaim it as their new church.
Do: get direct 2h europlanet trains direct to the resort (the park is 100m from the station), and leave your luggage at the left luggage next to the europlanet check-in desk (if you want to go to the park on the day of departure.)
Dont: answer an official how happy are you questionnaire. It will lead to an heavily reoderized northamerican accusing your family of having a anger management problem, and your grandfather distastefully muttering that al-qaeda were right, and the theme park should be wiped off the planet. This will lead to an encounter with the theme park police (dressed in shiny sky blue captain scarlet suits with scfi batons who crouch behind bushes with their radios permanently pressed against their face), and then being followed by a man all in black with an earpiece. After this the grandaparent spent the rest on the time chanting 'look at the trees, there so beautifull'.
Do: go if you want to take a child or young minded person, in a wheelchair. The facilities appear to be great.
Dont: expect parisians to be able to provide an authentic USA service. Its like watching a square peg being forced into a round hole. Expect, all snow whites dwarfs to be grumpy and chaos when ordering your icecream. On the otherhand the food, particularity outside the main park is far better than in the UK. In the main park finding ok food is more of a challenge, but restaurants can be prebooked. The rides also appeared to be smaller versions than the ones in the states.
Do: go if you have children young enough not to be able to distinguish between fantasy and reality - it will bring a parent joy to see their child so happy. Just make sure on your return home all the theme park adverts are removed from all 'i see no evil' videos or dvd rips.
Dont: go if any of your children have been in contact with any others with chicken pox or similar. They will fall ill while you are there, and infect thousands of other children.
---
On the earBod over the weekend:
The Smiths: Every Day is Like Sunday
"Come Armageddon, Come burn this seaside town"
--
This work is wholly based upon fictonal persons and places, and any resembalace to reality if purely concidental.
Dont: Go without ear protection. The high decibel piped acoustics are everywhere and will damage your psyche. Think TV library covers of koyaanisqatsi and lovesick county music, with subliminal i see no evil advertising. Also some some sort of nasal congestant would stop the smell of sweet BBQ burnt meat/flesh odour that is present in most rides, shops and restaurants.
Do: stay at a resort hotel, when it comes to human logistics: they have got you covered.
Dont: Go without young children. If you think this place is somewhere to go on a date, i'm afraid the damage is permanent and you have no hope of recovery. The scariest thing in the whole park!
Do: prebook & pay for breakfast in the resort. This will mean you will get 2 hours of going on the main rides with only 5-15min queues. In that time you will go on more rides than the rest of the day.
Dont: submit to 45min-1h30min waits for a 3min ride (and that's with with so called fast-passes). Its easy to become dazed like a lab-rat obeying pavlov dog (did i mention how good the human logistic deparment is?). And if that doesn't get you, the family gang queue jumping is sure to bring out the most deeply buried racism and Xenophobic emotions.
Do: Either go in november half-term when its empty, or skip the rides between noon & six when its at its busiest. During the afternoon go to some shows (disnee studios has loads), or go back to the hotel, have a siesta and come back after 6pm when the queues disappear and the pretty lights come on.
Dont: try and celebrate any religious ritual (like easter) while at the resort. Your childs religious school might be monitoring you via a homework 'diary', but your resort hotel with only provide handwritten scraps of paper with misleading times and town names. You are doomed to failure, let your children point at the fairy castle and proclaim it as their new church.
Do: get direct 2h europlanet trains direct to the resort (the park is 100m from the station), and leave your luggage at the left luggage next to the europlanet check-in desk (if you want to go to the park on the day of departure.)
Dont: answer an official how happy are you questionnaire. It will lead to an heavily reoderized northamerican accusing your family of having a anger management problem, and your grandfather distastefully muttering that al-qaeda were right, and the theme park should be wiped off the planet. This will lead to an encounter with the theme park police (dressed in shiny sky blue captain scarlet suits with scfi batons who crouch behind bushes with their radios permanently pressed against their face), and then being followed by a man all in black with an earpiece. After this the grandaparent spent the rest on the time chanting 'look at the trees, there so beautifull'.
Do: go if you want to take a child or young minded person, in a wheelchair. The facilities appear to be great.
Dont: expect parisians to be able to provide an authentic USA service. Its like watching a square peg being forced into a round hole. Expect, all snow whites dwarfs to be grumpy and chaos when ordering your icecream. On the otherhand the food, particularity outside the main park is far better than in the UK. In the main park finding ok food is more of a challenge, but restaurants can be prebooked. The rides also appeared to be smaller versions than the ones in the states.
Do: go if you have children young enough not to be able to distinguish between fantasy and reality - it will bring a parent joy to see their child so happy. Just make sure on your return home all the theme park adverts are removed from all 'i see no evil' videos or dvd rips.
Dont: go if any of your children have been in contact with any others with chicken pox or similar. They will fall ill while you are there, and infect thousands of other children.
---
On the earBod over the weekend:
The Smiths: Every Day is Like Sunday
"Come Armageddon, Come burn this seaside town"
--
This work is wholly based upon fictonal persons and places, and any resembalace to reality if purely concidental.
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