Worst Film You've Ever Seen

[fokse vektaire xeven]

Not The Blood On Satan's Claw? Plot doesn't sound the same but that is a pretty terrible film about a claw - there can't be too many of them can there?

what the fuck? blood on satan's claw is a GREAT film. one of my favourite british horror movies.

there are as many varieties of bad as there are good so worst is hard to define...there are lame community made films such as Don Dohler's, or The Strangeness or somethin... but they are not without charm...the german gore fanflix (violent shit, the bloody moon etc) are terrible by any reasonable standard...but very gory...and therefore entertaining...a film like Winterbeast takes ineptitude to a level of surrealistic incoherence that is pretty engaging...in a way. anything involving the polonia brothers is guaranteed to be absolutely brutal to endure all the way through...i remember reading in a review somewhere, "the polonia brothers have broken my soul"...which about covers it...you can take your pick there. good god there's so many i could mention...what have i done with my life? the ones that stand out recently are:

The Conqueror.

A long term pet project of John Wayne's, starring him as Genghis Khan in the least convincing piece of historical acting ever filmed. Walking around in a funny hat and referring to (blonde!) Susan Hayward throughout as, "Tartar Woman", JW is just staggeringly bad in this, and the mock historical dialogue is absurd. You have to see it to believe it, and then you have to stab yourself in the leg every five minutes or so to stop yourself falling asleep once the initial shock has worn off. This was grindingly harsh to make it through. i had to get very drunk indeed. There's some suggestion that the filming location near a nuclear test site contributed to the unusually high subsequent deaths of cancer among cast/crew members, and if it's true they all deserved it.


Kindergarten Ninja.

DEA funded kung-fu spoof of the Arnold Schwarzenegger comedy. yup. this has got the highest ratio of "training montage" to film yet recorded. it's close enough to an hour montage of dudes (and kids of course) hitting punchbags and poncing about in karate suits in fields etc. they fit some sort of plot about a street drug called something really silly i have thankfully forgotten in little slivers inbetween...

oh and there aren't any ninjas in it. unless i wasn't paying attention.

 

[IdleRich]

"It's really esteemed by people with a certain especially appalling middlebrow tastes (i know that sounds highly snobbish but it is my honest opinion!) It's basically a bit like the Foo Fighters."

That was the exact thing we said when we came out of Atonement (that it was middlebrow I mean, not comparing it to the Foo Fighters).
Edit: See also Brick Lane

 

[IdleRich]

"what the fuck? blood on satan's claw is a GREAT film. one of my favourite british horror movies."

Well, maybe I was a bit harsh on account of being really drunk when I watched it - I mean, there was the bit when the pretty girl took all her clothes off....no, fuck it, it was rubbish. Soundtrack is ok I guess.

 

[Mr. Tea]

I'd love to see this film, just to see how bad it really is, kind of in the same way I'd like to see what PCP is like:

http://www.somethingawful.com/d/movie-reviews/nukie.php

Picture this: it's your twenty-first birthday. For twenty-one long years you've been good - you've never had so much as a drop of alcohol. You pick up your best friend in the new car you bought to commemorate this new chapter in your life, and the two of you head to a bar. You toss back a few drinks, share some laughs, and have a great time. Then you and your best friend get back into the car. You realize that you're a little tipsy but you don't think you're too drunk to drive. On the way home, you swerve a little bit, but since the roads are empty you don't pay any heed. As you turn onto your street, a woman and a dog dart into the road. You try to avoid them but end up hitting them both and crashing your car, sending your best friend flying through the windshield. You are unharmed, but as you crawl out of the wreckage you see that the woman and the dog are both dead... and that the woman was your girlfriend and the dog was your dog. There's nothing more you can do for them, so you rush to your best friend's side. He's mortally injured and he asks you to come closer. You take him in your arms and his blood flows all over you. In his final breath he tells you that he has AIDS and now you do too. Despite all this, you have nothing to complain about because you fucking haven't seen "Nukie."

 

[fokse vektaire xeven]

Well, maybe I was a bit harsh on account of being really drunk when I watched it - I mean, there was the bit when the pretty girl took all her clothes off....no, fuck it, it was rubbish. Soundtrack is ok I guess.

I'd consider it in the same class as witchfinder general, the wicker man etc and i'm far from alone in feeling that amongst genre enthusiasts. it's a classic. but you know...horses for different strokes an all that...baby love is another fun linda hayden movie though she isn't quite as unclothed.

 

[vimothy]

That wrongly imprisoned Sly Stalone thing with Donald Sutherland as the prison warder that was on telly on Saturday. That was really, really poor.

 

[IdleRich]

"I'd consider it in the same class as witchfinder general, the wicker man etc and i'm far from alone in feeling that amongst genre enthusiasts. it's a classic. but you know...horses for different strokes an all that...baby love is another fun linda hayden movie though she isn't quite as unclothed."

Well, I watched TBOSC in the same weekend as I watched Witchfinder General and I thought that the second film was way better - though still a long way behind Wicker Man.

"there are as many varieties of bad as there are good so worst is hard to define..."

Yeah, you're right of course, I probably should have said something about what I meant when I started the thread but I was interested to see what leapt to people's minds.

 

[HMGovt’s Glorious Return!]

Shoot 'em up is definitely the worst film I have ever seen 20 minutes of.

 

[Pestario]

In the other thread I said D-War but Wild Hogs, Flight of the Phoenix and If Only have all made me consider awarding this dubious honour

 

[Gabba Flamenco Crossover]

Requiem For A Dream is the only film I've ever walked out of a cinema in disgust at. Horrible, cynical emotional porn that thinks it's deep. If Nomadologist ever made a film, it would be Requiem For A Dream.

 

[don_quixote]

Good Will Hunting - as I remember, the most gratuitous introduction of child abuse into a character's history as 'motivation'. Worse than that, it starred Robin Williams.

but then i remembered minnie drivers attempt at a british accent. and then i was told she was british.

billy elliot? that's repulsive.

oh and my friend claims to have seen stephen hawking coming out of a screening of bridget jones 2

 

[Mr. Tea]

Requiem For A Dream is the only film I've ever walked out of a cinema in disgust at. Horrible, cynical emotional porn that thinks it's deep. If Nomadologist ever made a film, it would be Requiem For A Dream.

Haha, you bastard, I really rated that film until you said that! Anyway, there was nowhere near enough critical theory.

If you're talking about emotional porn, I'd have to say the worst one I've seen for that (and probably the film I least enjoyed watching, even if it wasn't technically the most badly made) is Happiness. Just utterly appalling, smugly amoral oh-look-how-funny-fucked-up-miserable-people's-pathetic-lives-are cynical trash.

*cue IdleRich defending it as actually really funny*

 

[noel emits]

If Nomadologist ever made a film, it would be Requiem For A Dream.

Haha, baited! I don't really agree* but I'd like to see her respond to that

* I agree it was quite crap though.

 

[Benny Bunter]

The second Matrix film. Utter pap...

 

[noel emits]

there are as many varieties of bad as there are good so worst is hard to define...there are lame community made films such as Don Dohler's,

I mentioned The Alien Factor on one of the other threads. It does descend into pretty spectacular levels of ineptness - the harsh synth soundtrack is alright though and some of the costumes aren't bad either so I don't know if it really qualifies cos it certainly has its virtues. There's a clip of the bar band scene on youtube.

Robot Monster everyone knows, but for good reason. Some of the bizarre and extreme casual sexism in that is kind of jaw dropping.

 

[crackerjack]

If you're talking about emotional porn, I'd have to say the worst one I've seen for that (and probably the film I least enjoyed watching, even if it wasn't technically the most badly made) is Happiness. Just utterly appalling, smugly amoral oh-look-how-funny-fucked-up-miserable-people's-pathetic-lives-are cynical trash.

As I remember, that was only the ice-cream scoffing lardbucket. The paedo got off quite lightly.

 

[Mr. Tea]

The paedo got off quite lightly.

The twelve-year-old boys he drugged and bumraped didn't, though. Anyway, doesn't he kill himself, or get lynched, or something? Can't remember.

 

[crackerjack]

The twelve-year-old boys he drugged and bumraped didn't, though. Anyway, doesn't he kill himself, or get lynched, or something? Can't remember.

Nor me - has his windows smashed, has to move town, I think - but we are invited to sympathise with him, to an extent.

 

[swears]

 

[swears]

If you're talking about emotional porn, I'd have to say the worst one I've seen for that (and probably the film I least enjoyed watching, even if it wasn't technically the most badly made) is Happiness. Just utterly appalling, smugly amoral oh-look-how-funny-fucked-up-miserable-people's-pathetic-lives-are cynical trash.

*cue IdleRich defending it as actually really funny*

I would defend it as really funny, I cracked up a few times watching it.