baboon2004
Darned cockwombles.
Is it possible to be friends with one's ex(es) in a healthy manner, or is it just the slow route to madness?
Discuss.
Discuss.
Exes and friendships
- Thread starter baboon2004
- Start date
Brother Randy Hickey
formerly Dubversion
As unhelpful as it sounds, it depends. On SO many factors.
I've had relationships where we both realised that it wasn't going to work / had run its course. There was no anger or resentment, and we've stayed friends. Sometimes you end up having drunken sex a few times after you split up but it's best to keep a lid on that.
Other times - usually either because there was some anger or trauma to the split - affairs, unresolved feelings, or just deep feelings gone wrong - it either never works, or takes time.
For what it's worth, of my 6 or 7 long term relationships, I'm on great terms with 2 or 3, in friendly contact with a couple and hope never to see the last two ever again unless I'm armed to the fucking teeth.
there's no right or wrong or norm here. Usually, though, the more emotional / intense the split, the longer it'll take to move onto a friendship level, even if you want to. All too often, in the early stages of a painful split you end up "being friends" as a means of not letting go, of not facing facts. Times like that, I think it pays to be quite brutal about it and actually contrive to keep the fuck away from each other for a good long while.
I've had relationships where we both realised that it wasn't going to work / had run its course. There was no anger or resentment, and we've stayed friends. Sometimes you end up having drunken sex a few times after you split up but it's best to keep a lid on that.
Other times - usually either because there was some anger or trauma to the split - affairs, unresolved feelings, or just deep feelings gone wrong - it either never works, or takes time.
For what it's worth, of my 6 or 7 long term relationships, I'm on great terms with 2 or 3, in friendly contact with a couple and hope never to see the last two ever again unless I'm armed to the fucking teeth.
there's no right or wrong or norm here. Usually, though, the more emotional / intense the split, the longer it'll take to move onto a friendship level, even if you want to. All too often, in the early stages of a painful split you end up "being friends" as a means of not letting go, of not facing facts. Times like that, I think it pays to be quite brutal about it and actually contrive to keep the fuck away from each other for a good long while.
baboon2004
Darned cockwombles.
yeah, true true. I've never been into the idea for a long time, but I'm not sure I want that to become a pattern for ever (as you say, if there's anger/resentment, it's almost impossible, and completely unwise), so I'm debating whether to try this with my, er, newest ex. She seems keen to keep knowing each other, and feelings have been aired, so dunno, few weeks to mull it over... :slanted:
Drunken sex - don't ever wanna go there, as much as obviously I would at the time, were opportunity ever to arise (prob not).
Also - I think it's hard to judge how painful something is for a while - there's always pain, but often it's illusory (based around the act of rejection rather than true feelings of loss)
Leo
Well-known member
really can't imagine being best friends with any of my exes, particularly the more recent ones before getting married. even if they are decent people and you parted on ok terms, you just want to move on with your life, don't you?
closest i've come is becoming facebook friends with an ex who i hadn't had any contact with (or even thought about, actually) in more than 10 years. that amount of time, plus we're both happily married to others, made it pretty easy. while i don't have a desire to become close friends, but i'd probably meet her for a drink or something if the topic ever came up.
closest i've come is becoming facebook friends with an ex who i hadn't had any contact with (or even thought about, actually) in more than 10 years. that amount of time, plus we're both happily married to others, made it pretty easy. while i don't have a desire to become close friends, but i'd probably meet her for a drink or something if the topic ever came up.
baboon2004
Darned cockwombles.
i think it kind of depends on how reasonable a person you are, which is to say if you're pretty unreasonable and emotional, like me, it's almost certainly a bad idea.
in my experience when you've just broken up with someone/someone has broken up with you, and they insist they still want to be friends, it's either a fairly empty gesture or they're saying it in almost a knee-jerk way because you've both been living so much in each other's pockets for so long that they find it hard to contemplate what their life would be like - logistically, i mean - when you're gone. I'm on polite speaking terms with all of my exes but none of them i'd consider as a genuine friend. But then all my break-ups have been pretty messy, truth be told, with much anger, guilt and resentment, and toxic grudges that have been festering for months suddenly erupting in the form of maudlin late night phone calls and catty remarks made to family members and stuff.
in my experience when you've just broken up with someone/someone has broken up with you, and they insist they still want to be friends, it's either a fairly empty gesture or they're saying it in almost a knee-jerk way because you've both been living so much in each other's pockets for so long that they find it hard to contemplate what their life would be like - logistically, i mean - when you're gone. I'm on polite speaking terms with all of my exes but none of them i'd consider as a genuine friend. But then all my break-ups have been pretty messy, truth be told, with much anger, guilt and resentment, and toxic grudges that have been festering for months suddenly erupting in the form of maudlin late night phone calls and catty remarks made to family members and stuff.
baboon2004
Darned cockwombles.
In this case I felt it to be quite a genuine gesture, and definitely neither a case of having lived in each other's pockets. it's simply circumstantial/bad timing.
I'm very emotional, but have considered why I react so badly when a relationship ends, to the extent where it rules my life. Part of it is attaching one's self-esteem too tightly to being with that person, such that you blame them for you feeling bad when it ends, whereas it was your mode of going into the relationship that was at fault for part of the hurt (talking about cases where there is no malice, and no recriminations beyond the petty).
I'm willing to give this a go in a while. Don't really do the polite speaking terms thing much - it's either a relationship of some kind (ie a friendship) or it's nothing.
Leo
Well-known member
maybe having some sort of relationship with an ex is easier once some time has passed and both parties have moved on to their own new relationships. if you're happy in your new relationship, then you feel good about yourself in general and the silliness/pettiness of the past doesn't really matter anymore. if both of you are happy in your individual next-releationship situations, then it's even easier.
sometimes the concept of staying friends is just an immediate reaction to the breakup, but it fades over time as your life moves on and you meet other people. and sometimes you have to make a clean break from the past in order to successfully move forward.
sometimes the concept of staying friends is just an immediate reaction to the breakup, but it fades over time as your life moves on and you meet other people. and sometimes you have to make a clean break from the past in order to successfully move forward.
Polite speaking terms is kind of a must for me; frustratingly, my exes are almost all friends-of-friends who I will unavoidably be in the same room as every now and then. But yeah if a break-up is pretty mutual and neither of you are harbouring the aforementioned toxic grudge i'm sure you'll be fine. My current girlfriend is really good mates with her ex, so it can happen.
baboon2004
Darned cockwombles.
yeah, perhaps. but sometimes you just like people, there's been no pettiness to speak of, but it doesn't work, and it seems reasonable.
i've been making a lot of clean breaks with the past, so def understand the value of that - just wondering whether it has to be true every single time.
baboon2004
Darned cockwombles.
oh, you certainly can shoot them. i just can't be bothered cleaning up this time.
nomadthethird
more issues than Time mag
One of mine wrote me and told me he's getting married a while ago. We're not really "friends"- he lives in Cambridge, MA and I lost his number a long time ago- but it was nice, I was happy for him.
As long as he's far away from me and happily with someone else we get along just fine.
baboon2004
Darned cockwombles.
good answer 
So much of it has to do with self-esteem, ego and sex. As with everything else.
So much of it has to do with self-esteem, ego and sex. As with everything else.
Mr. Tea
Let's Talk About Ceps
A couple of years ago, my girlfriend (now my ex!) got an invite from an old ex of hers to his wedding. She asked me what I thought the correct etiquette for this was; I suggested a nice card with a message inside saying "May you enjoy several happy years together".
My advice to baboon would be to maintain some distance for a while (a couple of months, perhaps), not in a "keep away from me!" kinda way, just in an I'll-do-my-thing-and-you-do-yours way, and then see if the being-good-mates-after-all thing might work. I think some initial emotional privacy, from each other at least, is probably a good thing.
Or just, y'know, put on an especially ostentatious display of your brightly-coloured arse right under her nose and give it a bit of the old eyebrow-wiggle to make sure she knows what she's missing.
My advice to baboon would be to maintain some distance for a while (a couple of months, perhaps), not in a "keep away from me!" kinda way, just in an I'll-do-my-thing-and-you-do-yours way, and then see if the being-good-mates-after-all thing might work. I think some initial emotional privacy, from each other at least, is probably a good thing.
Or just, y'know, put on an especially ostentatious display of your brightly-coloured arse right under her nose and give it a bit of the old eyebrow-wiggle to make sure she knows what she's missing.
baboon2004
Darned cockwombles.
"Enjoy it while it lasts" might've been taken badly?
Yeah, kind of chimes in with what I'm thinking. I'm taking the time, and when it feels right/not-kneejerk, I'll take the decision. Helfpully I wasn't in love - that simplifies things dramatically.
Oh, she'll figure out what she's missing soon enough (as will I)!
Yeah, kind of chimes in with what I'm thinking. I'm taking the time, and when it feels right/not-kneejerk, I'll take the decision. Helfpully I wasn't in love - that simplifies things dramatically.
Oh, she'll figure out what she's missing soon enough (as will I)!
baboon2004
Darned cockwombles.
exactly, and everyone's opinion filtered through personal experience as always, and no clear answers
swears
preppy-kei
If an ex gets in touch through a text (I've had the same number for 8 years) or Facebook, I always ignore them for a while, then act like they're harrassing me and tell them to leave me alone, and the more they protest that they're not (which they really never have done) the more weird and stalky they sound! Great fun.