How to sound like a nonce in art galleries

[Ibadan]

I’ve somehow convinced a yat to go out with me. She’s an arty fatty type and I (stupidly) suggested art galleries. She loves the saatchi in London so obviously we’re heading there. Problem is I know fuck all about art galleries!!

I’m really trying to get a grasp of the kind of stuff I would expect your average dissensus user to say at galleries.
What should I compliment,
How detached from the experience should I be,
How can I look really cool and informed while knowing positively fuck all
Generally just easy ways to blather on and pretend I know something about a subject I clearly don’t

Alright cheers lads hopefully I get some gasholine


https://www.saatchigallery.com/art/salon_008.php
On the 23rd

 

[Leo]

you're screwed.

 

[pattycakes_]

If you act like it's a big deal it will probably be perceived as so.

 

[yyaldrin]

wear sunglasses

 

[yyaldrin]

try to come up with a similar outfit as the woman on the left
+ wear sunglasses

then say "did you know that the saatchi gallery is WORLD'S No 1 MUSEUM ON SOCIAL MEDIA"?

 

[IdleRich]

A nonce is basically a sex offender or paedo right? Why do you want to sound like one of those? You reckon she'll go for that?

 

[Leo]

seriously, the best thing to do is just to come clean. nothing wrong with admitting you don't know much about art but are interested, open to going to galleries and learning. chances are she'll look kindly on your honesty and interest in doing something she likes to do. if she can't deal with and appreciate that, the heck with her.

I'm far from an art expert but spend a fair amount to time visiting galleries and museums, and I still feel a bit uncomfortable at times when with people who really know their shit, for fear I'll say something stupid or miss something that everyone else gets. it ain't easy! it's also highly likely that trying to fake it will backfire, so why bother.

keep in mind, this is a first date, not a contemporary arts exam, so the main focus is actually be on each other. the gallery is just the surroundings, the meeting place, the jumping off point.

god, remembering back on my dating days, glad those are over! good luck!

 

[HMGovt’s Glorious Return!]

Let your actions speak
Steal something and leg it, with or without her
If you're a panty-wearer, and it sounds like you are, pretend
arty fatty types love a badboy

Good, actionable advice. You're welcome.

 

[Leo]

ha...contrary advice but with a common thread: don't bother trying to make it seem like you're an art aficionado.

 

[luka]

say what you see. say what you feel. say what you think.

what is the physical object in front of you? what shape or shapes? what textures? what interplay of light and shade? what colours, in what proportions and relationships? weight? mass? density?

how do you feel in relationship to the object? to the physical fact? you standing there, facing it. what's the relationship? do you feel small? vulnerable? disengaged? enervated? alienated? angry? confused?

what do you feel as the object? when you take on the condition of the object? when you collapse the distinction between observer and observed- when you become what you perceive?

and what ideas does all of this generate? what associations arise in the mind? has all this been done before, with greater clarity and impact? or is it something new? does it make something happen in your mind? a train of thought set in motion? if not, why not?

all of this is very simple and straightforward. there is no code you need to crack. you just need to work out what is happening to you as you make contact with and enter into relationship with the object in front of you. gather the feedback, assess it, communicate it.

 

[luka]

travel with your eye from left to right through a colour scale
http://gaska.mainelycommerce.com/-color-scale/
register what happens in each discrete territory, how those zone affect you, how there is a physical response, as sensation, how there is an emotional response, how there is an intellectual response-
blue means a variety of things, associations, webs of metaphor, sea, sky, calm, pure, cold
this is how art operates. again, it's very simple. everybody knows how to do it already.

if you act like an idiot people will assume you really are an idiot. don't second guess yourself. don't tie yourself in knots. the answer is always right in front of you.

 

[martin]

I (stupidly) suggested art galleries

Yeah, bad move. Just about every bloke she's dated this year has suggested an art gallery. HMGovt is right - did 'Common People' teach you nothing? Be a 'bad boy' and take to her a rowdy pub or one of these road rap shindigs that young hooligans like, or something.

She’s an arty fatty type

Go to the Tate instead, head straight for the cafe' and stuff her with banana cake and coffee. Gobjob's in the bag. Plus, you can get your mobiles out and aggrovate the yuppie twats freaking out in their see-through flats opposite.

 

[Ibadan]

travel with your eye from left to right through a colour scale
http://gaska.mainelycommerce.com/-color-scale/
register what happens in each discrete territory, how those zone affect you, how there is a physical response, as sensation, how there is an emotional response, how there is an intellectual response-
blue means a variety of things, associations, webs of metaphor, sea, sky, calm, pure, cold
this is how art operates. again, it's very simple. everybody knows how to do it already.
.

This post was like 80% trolling but I appreciate the genuine advice from you.

 

[IdleRich]

So how did it go?

 

[mistersloane]

How to sound like a nonce in an art gallery.

Cor, check out that six year old looking at that painting. I'd fuck that up the arse.

 

[Ibadan]

So how did it go?

It went pretty weirdly.

After consulting with the cultural colonisers here at dissensus, I realised this art thing was more complex than it seemed.

Decided to do some thing else.

We’re both into music so I thought we could go watch a band or something. You know, kick back in a dark space where groping isn’t inspected too intensely.

She wanted to see “girl in red”. They’re this bedroom pop/lo-fi shoegazy band - they sound Spotify playlist sponsored tbh.

I said yeah whatever and off we went!

It was cool meeting her. Maybe she’d slowed down on the banana fritters, but she looked skinnier than her pictures.
Fat girls always have really glossy faces, so she looked peng up top which was cool too.

We’ve got like a couple hours before the show and start chatting away. She’s actually alright. She’s funny/smart which is important to me.
We walk around a bit, do some window shopping which is cool.

Eventually we head to Cafe Nero and she stuffs her face on a muffin which is predictable.

At this point in time, I’m thinking I’m definitely in there. I’m getting ready to fill up my tank with some gasholine.

This is where it gets weird for me.

A couple hours later. We get to the show. Queuing up. Looking around. Examining the sights.

Idk, maybe there’s some gasholine out there that doesn’t know it’ll be going in my tank tonight.

This is where I realise I’m the only black person in my vicinity.
Look around some more at the queue. A lot of vanilla faces. A lot of pasty individuals. Very little spice and no chocolate.

I usually don’t consider the racial dynamics of every room I’m in so I tried to shrug it off.

We get in the club. (Heaven)
For those among the dissensus community that don’t identify as cultural colonisers, Heaven is a cool gay club.

I start freaking out again lol. Definitely the weirdest show I’ve ever been too.

I start looking around at the demographics around me and I’m not represented anywhere.

I’m looking at some real dorks in there; rolled up jeans, tutus, flower print shirts, genuine rainbow flags draped on backs like capes, I saw a hat that said “Fruity Prince” AND they all look like 2 years younger than me.

This crowd was young, white, gay and very uncool. A mass of caucasian cornballs.

I was completely off my game. The anxiety kicked in. I think I said like 5 sentences to my stout date for the rest of the show.

She’s bouncing away, causing minor earthquakes with each jump. Every now and then she’d look at me alluringly, like she wanted a smooch.
I’d smile and turn my head back to the show.
Like I actually wanted to make a move but the anxiety had a complete grip. I was deep in existential contemplation at this point.

My date moved to the front to get a better view.
She started participating with what these clowns considered moshing.

Every now and then she’s come back, smoulder at me for a while, then pout when I didn’t do anything.

Eventually she stopped coming back.

The show ended. We walked to our train in awkward silence.
Awkward hug and kiss when she got to her stop. Obviously haven’t seen her again.

How do you tell a date about an experience like that? I doubt she’d have got it.

This is like the the most vivid experience I’ve ever had of feeling disconnected from what’s around me. It’s the first time I’ve looked around and felt strangely at not seeing a mirror of myself.

There was no gasholine on this night.

 

[Mr. Tea]

Well I enjoyed reading that, dunno about anyone else.

Me trying to make sense of the racial, cultural, sexual and fat-related dynamics going on in this anecdote:

 

[IdleRich]

Well... at least you got a kind of story thing out of it. I guess. But sounds as though the choice of band and venue etc got in the way of what might have been true love. As an aside I remember going to hard house nights at Heaven almost twenty years ago... bonkers.

 

[Ibadan]

How to sound like a nonce in an art gallery.

Cor, check out that six year old looking at that painting. I'd fuck that up the arse.

Mate, mate, mate, mate, mate

 

[Ibadan]

Well... at least you got a kind of story thing out of it. I guess. But sounds as though the choice of band and venue etc got in the way of what might have been true love. As an aside I remember going to hard house nights at Heaven almost twenty years ago... bonkers.

Definitely a night to remember for all the wrong reasons lol. I didn’t know Heaven had an interesting history. I’ve only been a couple times but my mates who go out more say it’s like a gay haven now.