chapter whatever: Carve Satanic Symbols Into Your Body Before the Police Cum
every now and then an old friend will remind me of how out-of-control I was before I was institutionalized the first time (some things I completely forgot about somehow!)
in my defense, and as opposed to one professional that told me that I was a rebel without a cause (oh, but i definitely had reasons - many of which i felt too much shame to share at the time), a deep well of shame and rage and resentment had built up from being told by seemingly everyone through the years, in so many different ways, that I was completely useless, defective, worthless (and also being told i was not a man because i couldn't do things like sports) (I guess if people can't see what is causing all of your issues with motor skills, visual-spatial, social, etc. then they think you shouldn't have any problems?)
anyway, I was getting up to things like using the passenger's side door mirror enclosure (that was for some reason already kind of broken) in my parent's minivan to knock over people's mailboxes (why would i have a baseball bat anyway?), to trying to scare the local group of racist skins that hung around downtown with a friend's parent's gun and also acting like I was gonna run them over, and things like, as a passenger in a friend's car, where we would drive into a grocery store parking lot and then, while in the car the whole time I would grab hold of one of those big metal shopping carts on wheels, and then we would drive out of the parking lot with me holding the shopping cart in tow in my hand, with it riding alongside the outside of the car just on the other side of my door, we would get up to speed on the nearest highway and then release it into the nearest patch of open space while driving at speed to try to cause as much destruction as possible, and many other things I and/or we would do, and selling quasi-legal poppers (aka rush/etc.) at school for which one of my good friends got expelled which caused me to further feel more alone - I got away unscathed because he was somehow able to find me and tip me off after he was already caught so i hid the bottles i had in my shoes and walked around like that for the rest of the school day including when I was shortly after called into the principal's office where the police searched me, but they didn't ask me to take off my shoes, but they were sure interested in everything else like my locker, my bag i was carrying books in, my parent's car, and they even went through my wallet and grilled me about phone numbers in there.
and, ya know, the usual try to cause as much destruction and mayhem as possible around town kind of thing (one of the things I DIDN'T do was take part in the harassing of the local Bob Jones University (fundamentalist Christian University) students that would hang around downtown trying to proselytize - I felt kind of bad for them - they were just brainwashed as far as I was concerned
side note: The whole "Satanic Panic" was in full swing at this time, especially in the south - the police that harassed us downtown and also constantly demanding our IDs were kind of also with the fundamentalists in handing out things like "chick tracks"
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chick_tract about "satanic panic" issues (this is important later and reason for the title of the post)
(and another side note about the police being dicks, when i was beat up by an encircling group of racist skins by them pulling some dumb goon into their ranks by telling him i was talking shit about him (i never did, but believe me I had personal cause IF I had actually wanted to say something since he had tried sneakily steal a cd player from me at one point, but my same friend from above, saw what was happening and alerted me to it before he could get away with it) - when the police showed up after i swiftly got my ass handed to me and was trying to recover from that first punch ("don't get up if you know what's good for you" and it also seemed like the skins were drawing a tighter circle - were they all going to start kicking me?), done by the dumb goon by a quick punch square in the nose that knocked me on my ass and caused blood to start gushing from my nose (people would talk about it downtown for some time after that pointing out where my blood was), #1 those police took their word for what happened (that I was calling the guy a motherfucker "well, i guess that will teach him" and #2 they didn't want to help clean me up and help me stop the blood until i promised i didn't have aids (obviously anyone different looking (i was always a bit different in that way, too) hanging around downtown must have aids, right?)*
it was around this time that I unintentionally wrecked the minivan on an icy (black ice) bridge (I felt like i totally got fucked in that situation because it happened while I was getting over a lane to let another driver merge onto the freeway there (no good deed goes unpunished as they say), but neither the judge nor my parents took that into consideration)
so i was often stuck at home a lot and things were often not going well at school especially since that one good friend got expelled and i had all of this pent up rage and frustration and started cutting on my arms with a shaving razor that i had broken of its cartridge (i had already been privately doing weird things for a few years with random different types of needles and running through them through my skin), but for some reason i randomly decided to start carving (I guess very poorly) the alphabet - anyway, my parents freaked out when they saw and called the authorities and i had trouble explaining to people and authorities that it was just part of the alphabet - nope, just satanic practices going on some people thought.
*i had previously beat up one of the skins but he asked me to swear not to tell, but I think maybe he wanted revenge anyway - and i didn't want to beat him up - he was literally begging me with furious rage "FIGHT ME!" for what seemed like at least half an hour, but I'm thinking, "no, thanks, I don't want to get my ass kicked" but he just wouldn't let it go or get out of my way and i just kept asking him "but, why?" and he would just keep doing the same furious raging "FIGHT ME!" - this went on and on late one night downtown until I finally relented and threw a punch and luckily landed my first punch (to his face or head - i forget where, but I remember him looking dazed) and then somehow dodged his punches (I'm thinking, is this really happening? - I'm actually winning? wtf?! - he must be the worst ever - i guess he must have picked up on something about me to be his first target to brag about, but things didn't go as planned and I actually felt bad for the guy so didn't give him too much of a pounding - gawd, what an idiot he must have felt like!)
one good thing that came out of having my ass handed to me by the dumb goon from the other story was that the police must have got in touch with my parents somehow because my mom came to pick me up so i didn't have to be homeless anymore wondering around downtown with nothing to my name and sleeping in random places like somewhere behind a grocery store so that I wouldn't be seen and harassed by anyone including the police.
and the reason i was homeless was that i refused to stay with my fundamentalist uncle for some undetermined amount of time in oklahoma because that was apparently my only choice for that summer.
I saw the dumb goon a couple of years later in a denny's (a 24-hour diner chain) late one night where a group of us would often go on thursday nights (well, technically friday morning by then after the gay club closed that we all went to for the fresh music selection (where I also somehow had the ability to get the dj to play whatever i requested and where I would also bring in records - i was talking to people about this years later that thought i deejayed there because of that, i guess! ... well, not there but at another club on Friday that was more of a lamer all ages club) - ANYWAY, I don't think the goon recognized me which wouldn't be surprising because some people said i looked like a completely different person from a couple of years before (no glasses, different hair (but that was a regular thing in those times), different clothes, facial hair, not eating unless someone was being kind (because that's money that could be used for records) and marathon olympic dancing (i eventually started to get shin splints - i was doing something like a form of footwork before virtually anyone knew what it was - i was known for it besides the different hair and fashions... go to somewhere in a different city with a few people in tow, where people had never seen me and being told "every woman in here is staring at you" because I guess I was oblivious... and people following us out to car when we would have to leave early for a drive back "hey, you coming back?!") 3-4 nights a week will do that (shin splints, i guess?).
I sat there for quite some debating doing a surprise bottle over the head kind of thing when i saw that goon there at that denny's, but then I figured the ramifications wouldn't be worth it, and i had witnessed first hand how ugly that is at the club where i deejayed on friday - the victim had a major seizure and was never seen again (I also wonder what happened to his attacker), and it really disgusted me how after that horrific scene that some people would get on the dancefloor and mock the guy that had the seizure.
en.wikipedia.org
