I don't know how I felt. You have a second alone with the corpse. Perhaps you kiss the corpse. I did. I don't think I'd ever kissed my dad. Perhaps he'd kissed me, in a sentimental mood, once or twice.
I doubt I cried. It's unlikely. I smoked cigarettes. My brother and I. We smoked cigarettes. We smoked weed. Well, this is it. Done. Dead. And us all alone now.
I could never find a place to rest. Never fitted in. Never found anything I was good at. Never could feel comfortable. For whatever reason. Who knows. Surplus to requirements. With no talents, no special skills.
Not terribly clever. Not an intellectual. Not pretty. Not athletic. If anything good at stubbornly clinging to my sense of who I am. And not budging. Blindly wilful. Bloody minded in an undemonstrative way.
But basically an idiot. And I try very hard to preserve this idiot energy and to remain nakedly an idiot forever. Without obscuring the fact. I am an idiot. Very stupid and unevolved.
So you can look through my history as it is documented here, 15 years of it, and see how very badly behaved I am. How utterly intolerable. A toddler. A screaming kicking writhing child.
There it is. And as embarrassing and shameful as it is, I dont disown it. That's who I am. A botch. Very cruel and insensitive. Wildly egotistical. Needing praise more than I need bread.
Just to keep still. And reliant on so much goodwill. On the rent not going up. And and and. You know to whom you are beholden and how. Just how lucky we are, until they snatch it all away.
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