How do you "pull" girls etc?

[IdleRich]

That is a badly worded title question, and i think that the reason for that is cos the language to discuss it properly basically doesn't exist - possibly through design.

But I mean this as a genuine question. How does one go about pursuing someone they like and making them like you?

And, once things have moved further, how does one change it from that situation to it actually happening?

I'm asking this in a genuine spirit of enquiry. I really don't understand how it works. I mean, sure if you're very handsome then it makes sense that women would go after you, but most of us aren't, obviously.

In my life I reckon the number of times I've been in a bar or club or whatever and seeen a woman I find attractive and actually summoned up the courage to approach them and try to chat them up is literally, I dunno, I bet it's less than ten. One thing is for sure, every single time I did it it went horribly wrong and left me feeling embarrassed and stupid.

No, I tell a lie, one time after playing 5-a-side football my team went to a pub nearby and there was a really beautiful girl there and somehow i managed to approach her and chat to her and we spent the whole evening talking together and we did get on really well. It was lovely.... as it happened she had a boyfriend (or so she said) and nothing happened plus we never swapped numbers or anything like that, but compared to every other time I've tried that kind of thing it was a humongous, unimaginable, roaring success.

And as for girls I know.... I have no idea how to meet them and make them understand that it's a date rather than just some mates meeting up.

I just don't get it, I don't know what I'm doing with girls and quite often I feel that some guys (maybe all of you) have this secret knowledge that I just don't have and wouldn't know how to use it if I did.

So I'm not sure what I'm saying here, I don't mean to complain, I just want to make it very clear that I absolutely don't know what I'm doing with girls/women and I guess I kinda want to know to what extent everyone knows and to what extent everyone is pretending.

One thing worth mentioning is that I have literally never been on a date. I mean, say it's Valentines Day or something and I have a gf, then sure, I've booked a table with her and we've gone out for dinner. But I think it's true to say that I have never had a thing where I meet a girl that I don't particularly know and we go to a bar or a restaurant etc together and we see how we get on and when we meet we don't know if the evening will finish with us meeting up again, or just not clicking so we leave it at that, or maybe hating each other, or going on somewhere else - or I guess just fancying the fuck out of each other so we head to one home or the other and rip each other's clothes off etc Or does anyone do that any more? I mean surely it happens but perhaps not as often as it used.

Also, I feel that there is something weird going on in that...

a) I'm pretty average looking I think (let's be generous and say I'm a six out of ten)
b) I have literally no idea how to approach and chat up women I don't know
c) And near enough the same goes for women I do know
d) And yet (trying not be a dick here), I do seem to have ended up sleeping with or even going out with a fair number of women who people seem to think are attractive or desirable.

Can someone explain any of the above to me? To what extent do any of you understand the mating game, how does the whole thing work?

Oh, and one last question, for those of you who do kinda understand it and play it.... do you like it, or is it a necessary evil or what?

Just teachme here guys, assume I know nothing at all and throw in some ideas just to help me learn something please....

 

[DLaurent]

My last GF was from Brighton and was just looking for a romance and it was a case of right place right time. We went for a first date in Brum and I suggested we go for a walk round Digbeth. Turns out a lot of the old clubs have closed down so I called my mate and asked him where to go. He said 'Subside'. It's an old rock and roll and heavy metal club reminiscent of some of my old favourite places, but we walked in there and when she saw all the Goths in there her face hit the floor. I think she just wanted a dance so we ended up in a cheese club on Broad Street.

I was just in the right place at the right time. It gets more difficult for me as time goes on. I'm nearly 40 and don't look it and being a bit of a misfit makes it more difficult. Ever shrinking social circle doesn't help. You can do stuff like internet dating but I never have, I just reminisce of the times when I could go out and be in contact with more people due to the law of averages.

 

[IdleRich]

So you did kinda make it happen... or at least do things to sort of nudge it in the right direction.

Funny thing interbet dating. When I lived in Hackney there were a couple that I was friends with who met on the Internet and ultimately got married plus, I believe, had a kid. Thing is, that was early 2000s and, well I'm not really sure if there was a stigma to meeting on the Internet, but they certainly believed that there was. They were very cagey with telling people how they met and often with people they didn't know they would invent an outright lie.

As far as I know that stigma - if it ever did exist outside of their head - is pretty much completely gone.

To be honest, I always quite liked the idea of internet dating, then again I've also always quite liked the idea of when a load of people live in a flat together and they interview several people to see which one is most suitable. I really cannot begin to explain why I would like to be a potential candidate in that situation.

 

[0bleak]

Depends on the time period and how confident I felt, and then often times I was the person being pulled.

 

[IdleRich]

Depends on the time period and how confident I felt, and then often times I was the person being pulled.

Aha... why were you the person being pulled? Are you very good looking? And please, no false modesty here*.


*As an aside, one thing that I really admire in a person is the ability or willingness to honestly assess their ability when they are good at something. I don't mean showing off, i mean the clear-eyed ability to avoid unnecessary false modesty. I think it's a surprisingly difficult thing to do, or at least it can be at certain times or with some groups of people.

 

[martin]

Film yourself working out hard at the gym. Make a 'training montage' and dub Killing In the Name Of on top. Then, when the chorus kicks in, flip the footage black and white and make it shake around a bit, and zoom in on your snarling face as you lift. Upload it and send her the link.

 

[0bleak]

Aha... why were you the person being pulled? Are you very good looking? And please, no false modesty here*.

was, or can be, I suppose? and I'm not trying some kind of false modesty

Choon of the Day, redux

no :)

www.dissensus.com

I feel like it's really complicated for me to talk about without talking more about my NVLD which then I'm afraid people will accuse me of being self-indulgent or the only thing I talk about even though it has GREATLY affected almost every single thing about me.

 

[Murphy]

the game has changed, Rich - just go dogging, no one judges

seriously, with a wide enough circle of female friends in a city like Lisbon, eventually one of them will give you the mating signal - a stroke along the upper arm, a compliment about an ordinary shirt, the last lass to go home who seems really interested in an anthropology of Oxfordshire

just be yourself but register how quickly you go from dating to disposable workhorse

 

[IdleRich]

Film yourself working out hard at the gym. Make a 'training montage' and dub Killing In the Name Of on top. Then, when the chorus kicks in, flip the footage black and white and make it shake around a bit, and zoom in on your snarling face as you lift. Upload it and send her the link.

I've kinda worded it badly I think. I'm not looking for advice on how to pull, I'm certainly not looking to get hold of a particular person. What I'm trying to do is understand how - on occasion - I did kinda seemingly accidentally get hold of someone, even though I didn't really put any effort in and they were probably out of my league. Why the fuck did it work?

One thing I want to know is if that is what everyone does. And if they don't do that then what do they do.

I suppose that part of me has a kind of suspicion that the world is full of shy people who end up hooking up by random, and that there are a small number of people who have grasped that and as a result have made the world their oyster. Or then again maybe that's just bollocks and everyone kinda has their own thing they do and they just muddle along doing it and bump into other people doing their own random thing and somehow it all kind of works, though perhaps not for the reasons that people think.

Or who the fuck knows, all I know is that I really don't understand any of it, but ultimately it kinda seems to work out OK for me, maybe I shouldn't look into it too deeply or it will be like the goose that lays the golden eggs and if I'm not careful I'll be dumb enough to kill it

 

[IdleRich]

was, or can be, I suppose? and I'm not trying some kind of false modesty

I wasn't accusing you of that, just thought I'd anticipate it before you or someone else succumbs to the temptation.

Ah, is that you in the picture? It's a nice picture I find.

I feel like it's really complicated for me to talk about without talking more about my NVLD which then I'm afraid people will accuse me of being self-indulgent or the only thing I talk about even though it has GREATLY affected almost every single thing about me.

Please don't worry about that, I asked the question and so of course I want you (and others) to answer it. If the answer involves x or y thing then please don't let that stop you, I'm really interested in learning about something I don't really get and if a de ebt reply necessitates certain things so be it.

 

[IdleRich]

the game has changed, Rich - just go dogging, no one judges

seriously, with a wide enough circle of female friends in a city like Lisbon, eventually one of them will give you the mating signal - a stroke along the upper arm, a compliment about an ordinary shirt, the last lass to go home who seems really interested in an anthropology of Oxfordshire

just be yourself but register how quickly you go from dating to disposable workhorse

Again, I think I'm not making myself clear. I'm not looking for a gf, I have one, I just don't quite understand why or how.

Interesting points you make about how the game has changed though. Like I said, I do think there is something really interesting about a lot of those Internet match-up sites - if I do ever find myself single again I'll probably give em a go.

On the other hand, I have to say that dogging really doesn't appeal to me in the least - but in the name of research, if I do get kicked to the curb I suppose I also ought to give it a whirl.

 

[Murphy]

Apologies, thought you were recently single

 

[martin]

I've kinda worded it badly I think.

No, I just posted the cringiest thing I could think of. It made me laugh my head off an hour ago but I have been on the Woodford Reserve.

But I reckon your answer is

I didn't really put any effort in

This seems to work. Obsessing over a desired outcome usually pushes it away.

 

[0bleak]

Ah, is that you in the picture? It's a nice picture I find.

Yeah, the part I cropped out is my stepmother to the right holding a (then baby) stepsister. Thanks
I had gone up to visit both sets of parents in different cities with someone I was dating at the time (she basically pulled me - I saw her in class one day (at a tech college) and she also kind of seemed to be looking me up and down - I figured out later that a guy that was talking to me after class and asking about me and where I hung out must have been for her benefit because she suddenly showed up at the gay club where my friends and I all went on Thursday), and mainly to visit the set of parents in Cincinnati so I could go clubbing there).
It was weird because my stepmother seemed more interested in getting pictures of me and us than I had experienced before.

Please don't worry about that, I asked the question and so of course I want you (and others) to answer it. If the answer involves x or y thing then please don't let that stop you, I'm really interested in learning about something I don't really get and if a de ebt reply necessitates certain things so be it.

Ok, it will be a minute...

 

[0bleak]

Please don't worry about that, I asked the question and so of course I want you (and others) to answer it. If the answer involves x or y thing then please don't let that stop you, I'm really interested in learning about something I don't really get and if a de ebt reply necessitates certain things so be it.

Ok, so you have to understand that I basically thought and/or got the message that the opposite sex basically wasn't interested in me for the most part (assumed wrongly in some cases I found out) because I never did have much of a clue socially due to my NVLD.
At the point of turning 19-20 years old, and also through the help of psychedelics (I wouldn't get diagnosed until about 10 years later), I came to realize that a lot about how you carry yourself had a lot to do with how people perceive you (be it women, or other guys not fucking with you), and I also learned how to look people in the eye (it was often almost painful to me before) which was kind of hilarious because I would then get complimented on it sometimes about how I must be really interested in what the other person is saying but them not realizing that it took training for me to get there, and basically trying to present myself in a more masculine way and with my head help up, etc.
I was also kind of a bit different in how I dressed, and my hair often being multiple colors, etc. so that probably had something to do with being attractive to some people (and not just "alternative culture" people - I guess some people that appreciated the styles or that you had the guts to do something different and to hell with what people thought)
At any rate, you start to realize that people are trying to pull you on a regular basis, and that gives you confidence to pull people yourself (I didn't have "game" or know any strategies - I would just say something dumb like "I like your style - can I have your phone number?" or like while ordering food at a counter "I'll have this and that and your phone number." are a couple of examples off the top of my head).
Anyway, that lasted a couple of years and kind of faded throughout my later 20s for various reasons.
The couple of times I asked people for their phone number after that didn't really work because I guess maybe I didn't have the confidence so I never really tried it anymore.

 

[IdleRich]

No, I just posted the cringiest thing I could think of. It made me laugh my head off an hour ago but I have been on the Woodford Reserve.

But I reckon your answer is



This seems to work. Obsessing over a desired outcome usually pushes it away.

Well there certainly have been times when it worked.... however there have been equally many if not more when it failed - in fact, it failed so badly that I'm pretty sure no-one even realised that I was trying.... at least I saved fave that way I guess.

 

[IdleRich]

Apologies, thought you were recently single

Nah but i probably never made my status clear... no need at all to apologise.

 

[IdleRich]

Ok, so you have to understand that I basically thought and/or got the message that the opposite sex basically wasn't interested in me for the most part

You know I felt the same. Then one of my gfs told me that before we got together she had told her friend that she fancied me and this girl replied "Oh everyone has a crush on Rich at some point". I still wonder about that to this day... was it a wind-up, or is it actually true that there were loads of people who had fancied me but I'd simply been too dumb to notice it? Either way it's pretty depressing to be honest.

Now I'm with Donna she keeps referring to virtually any girl who speaks to me at my film night or when I'm dj-ing as "my groupies" and she ac uses me of being unfair to them and leading them on.... but that is definitely untrue and unfair cos, even if they do like me which I'm fairly sure they don't, it had certainly never crossed my mind and there 8s no way whatsoever that I can be said to have led them on or even a cunt-tease or whatever the phrase is. I'm really not that kind of person, my default mode is the absolute opposite of what she is saying - in fact she's probably teasing me and I'm just too dumb to get it.

Basically if this kind of thing is a game I don't know the rules and I simply lack the experience to play it.

 

[IdleRich]

I came to realize that a lot about how you carry yourself had a lot to do with how people perceive you (be it women, or other guys not fucking with you),

There is a short story, I think maybe by Milan Kundera, the gist of it is the main guy is a bit (in fact a lot) of a shagger who knows loads of famous beautiful women. Then for some reason he has to spend some time at a sanatorium or something and he tries it on with all the hot nurses expecting to get laid as normal- but to his horror they all reject him.

Then one day one of his beautiful film star mistresses comes to visit him, and suddenly all the women realise that he is desirable to her and so he must have something, so the minute she leaves life is back to normal and he's fighting them off with a stick again.

 

[0bleak]

You know I felt the same. Then one of my gfs told me that before we got together she had told her friend that she fancied me and this girl replied "Oh everyone has a crush on Rich at some point". I still wonder about that to this day... was it a wind-up, or is it actually true that there were loads of people who had fancied me but I'd simply been too dumb to notice it? Either way it's pretty depressing to be honest.

not saying that it couldn't well be the case, but I would just tend not to believe things like that unless there is somehow better evidence.