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Verily, I have been constructing a Cathedral of Grogans amid the inner folds of the Rectosphere that is now Old New Orleans. I wish ye mere mortals could lay thine eyes upon it's mesenteric, pus-glittered halls, bejewelled with embers of swill, and so on. 'T was a formidable task, even for an...

THAT ASIDE, THIS YEAR PLEASES ME. BROWN STRIPES, PARTICULARLY ROCKING.

Will there be any singing? Or dancing? A buffet perhaps?

AH, SWEET CESSPIT! IT GLADDENS ME GREATLY THAT PROCEEDINGS HATH BEEN CONSUMED BY SUCH A WEALTH OF STILL-WARM EFFLUENT AND TURDISTRY THIS YEAR! AND MY MINIONS, OH, HOW THEY STRAIN AT THEIR FILTHY LEASHES! THE PROSPECT OF GULPING DOWN SUCH VOLUMINOUS MIASMA IS ALMOST TOO MUCH TO BEAR!

No, there are definitely no encounters with authority. This is strictly a solo operation until I cash them in.

My dear friend, adding salt will certainly lower the freezing point, but it will raise the boiling point, which is why the sea doesn't boil away in the Summer.

:( Well that's pricked my balloon.

There may indeed be rings there, I don't doubt it, but no way I'm going to fishing in a turdpool.

No, but it could be. I have never found any rings there, but others may have if they know where to look.

There is a place in every city in the UK where lost rings are collected. It is free to the public, and there is no way of getting in trouble for collecting them. If you can guess where it is, I will tell you. The answer is worth £££. If you people mess with me I will not reveal the answer. Go.

I say NO. A coating of oil on one's pasta renders it impermeable to the sauce, resulting in a discongruent mess, not a meal.

Me = £2.4m penthouse apartment in docklands, Bentley Continental GT in the basement garage (Bugatti Veyron on order (You cannot afford)), 140 grammes of Bolivian arriving at midnight, rocking the Internet through Onestep at over 100Mbps. You = flatshare in Clapton, S-reg Fiat Panda, A teenth...

There's a whole jarful of double-yolk pickled eggs in our kitchen. They were made (but not laid) by girlfriend's mum (who lives within 10 miles of Sizewell B. Coincidence? Yes.) Best thing to do with bacon and eggs: Boil a man-sized portion of spaghetti for about 10 minutes While that's...

I TAKE IT YE ARE THE CHIEF AMONG MORTALS HERE? WELL, FEAR ME NOT. I AM BUT LORD OF THE FILTH-THINGS, COME TO PREACH THE MIRED WORD OF FILTH 'PON THIS MORTAL PLANE. YOU SHALL BE PRITHEE TO MINE TENTACLED MASS ON THE 25TH OF EACH LUNAR HENCEFORWARD; OR MINE FILTHLETS SHALL ATTEND BEFORE ME...

<pre>GREETINGS QUESTIONABLE MORTAL! PONDERING THE EARTHLY ORIGINS OF MINE FILTHLINGS AND FILTHLORDS IS A QUESTION MOOT. MINE HOST AND I ARE NOT OF THIS EARTH. NAY! RATHER WE ABIDE UPON THE CIRCLE OF FILTH, HOME TO ALL THAT IS FILTHY, GUNGEOUS AND MURKY OF HUE. ONLY A MORTAL FOOL SUCH AS YE...

<pre>QUITE, YOUNG FILTHLET, QUITE! THE FILTH REIGNS IN THE NICEST NOOK, THE CRUDEST CRANNY, ALL ACROSS THIS PLANE. WHAT MORTAL WOULD BE CONSIDERED IN THE NORM WITHOUT TENDRILS OF FILTH SLIPPING FORTH WRETCHEDLY FROM BETWIXT THEIR BUTTOCK-THINGS? THE GURGLE OF FRESHLY LAIN FILTH, BORNE FROM...

<PRE>AHH, THE FILTH WHICH ENCRUSTS THE PLAYTHINGS OF MORTALS IN ALL LANDS UPON THIS PLANE! SUCH ART HOME TO THAT BREED OF ENCRUSTLINGS WHICH DERIVE THEIR PLEASURES FROM ANCHORING THEMSELVES DEEP WITHIN THE ANAL FOLDS, PLUCKING SUSTENANCE FORTH FROM THE FLOWING OOZE OF THE RECTUM AS IT SUITS...

MORTALS, MINE OWN SENTIENCE HAS HAPPENED UPON A MOST SQUALID REALISATION! HARK YE THIS: <PRE>MORTALS, WHEN THOU DOST 'POO', THAT ART A PART OF 'YOU'! INDEED, FOR WHEN THE CRINKLY BROCCOLI AND SOLIDIFIED GRISTLE OF MAMMAL MEAT DOTH CLAMBER THROUGH THE CHAMBERS OF THE MORTAL COIL, IT DOES ALONG...

<pre>GREETINGS, MORTALS! HAST THOU IMBIBED THY FILTHEN FLUID THIS DAY? I SHOULD HOPE SO, FOR IT IS THE LIQUID FILTH WHICH ART QUITE POTENT AND, INDEED, MORE EASILY CONSUMED THAN THE FLUFFY FECAL FILTH WHICH EMERGES HENCE FROM THE ANAL ORIFICE. MANY IN THE REALM OF 'JAPAN' PARTAKE IN SUCH...