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That girl on the right has a tail. I dunno...last 'cool' experimental gig I went to had some dork playing Elizabethan chamber music on an EDP Wasp with a pornographic She-Ra-style cartoon playing behind him, and hatchet-faced spinsters telling off anyone who talked. Would much rather have been...

Just go into noise. That's full of paunchy old cunts twiddling round with vintage synths like they're in some potting shed that sells IPA.

I remember seeing black and white footage of the Beatles and the Stones (in their 'mop top / introduced by Jimmy Savile' phases) as a kid in the early '80s, and it seemed so antiquated - like something beamed in from WW2. Even now, I can't imagine them or Hitler existing in colour. Insane to...

Could happily while away another 'lockdown' in one of those kitsch chairs, drinking Black Russians while Countess Anda of Tukums plays "Strings Of Life" on a harpsichord, before a plucky peasant orphan and his faithful bipedal fox companion come knocking on the gates. Who am I kidding - a week...

Yeah, you'd be right. I've got really old packets of Nurofen Plus and they work fine. It's just a bunch of spivs in white lab coats trying to run a scam. Do drugs ever go off? I reckon you could safely neck a rhubarb & custard from 1989 - and still get through the NYC rave thread in one piece.

"Not to be taken if operating machinery". Yeah, hence all those well-recorded cases of stevedores crashing their forklifts over the side of the harbour after taking their gout meds. It's a load of bollocks. Has anyone ever made a curry and not put 4 x the 'recommended' amount of chillis in?

Wing it. My shower drain started smelling weird last week so I bought a tub of caustic soda flakes. The instructions said "proceed to use 125g to 5 litres of water" but I just poured half the tub down down the plughole and a couple of kettles of water and it worked fine. Most of these...

(It does a passable Trump. Here's the POTUS discussing his favourite singer) One of the things that I find fascinating about Stevie Nicks is that she's not afraid to be vulnerable. When she talks about her past, she doesn't hide anything. She opens up about it. She's not ashamed of who she is...

I think of the first time I saw you. You were a little girl with your father's eyes, a big smile and a long hair that fell down her back. We met at the train station, we walked together to school and then to our house. He was a policeman who loved me so much he would have given his life for me...

True, but child obesity was much rarer then, so every cloud. Does anyone use chip fryers anymore? They were obviously enough of a 'kitchen staple' that the fire brigade churned out regular public information films about them, usually with some terrified old granny sobbing behind a fireball...

Oh, you already found it.

This is the one I was aggressively recommended:

Great band, and they were right to break up after "Is Suicide A Solution?"

Totally get this. It's amazing how an artist spouting bollocks in an interview or biography can sour the way you feel about their music. I'm especially keen to avoid studio technical talk or hear them bang on about their influences - feels like a magician explaining how the tricks work. You...

I was once on a train with, among others, Mark E Smith. Tired of playing Pictionary, I announced that I could sense simply by looking, whether oranges contained pips. 'I can tell people's religion just by looking at their faces,' countered Smith. A VIP had just entered the carriage and eager to...

I know a bloke who has a fantasy about 'puppy girls'. I think the idea's that he comes home from work and she crawls up to him on all fours - in a bikini, collar and furry ears - and goes "Rff! Rff! Welcome home, master!" Then he feeds her Frosties in a dog bowl. Then she puts her head down and...

There was a late '70s UK documentary called 'Rampton - the Secret Hospital' which was apparently aired once on TV, caused a minor row and has since disappeared. People did some digging and BFI were offering it a while back for £120 or something crazy. Just had a search and nothing came up - is...