Crappest wedding you've ever attended
- Thread starter martin
- Start date
STN
sou'wester
If we extend this to generally unsatisfactory proceedings, I once attended a Navajo naming ceremony in the Home Counties. It was boring, it was attended by as unlikable a bunch of hippies as you could ever hope to meet, the quiche was rubbish and my mum had to stop the hosts from booting out a tramp who was having at the free food.
As weddings go, any family wedding I attended in Belfast in the 80s: boredom, fear, guilt and strangers who are somehow related to me.
As weddings go, any family wedding I attended in Belfast in the 80s: boredom, fear, guilt and strangers who are somehow related to me.
john eden
male pale and stale
Some distant relative who was in his 40s got married to some ugly teenage girl and I got dragged along and it was an entire day of people not saying what they thought about it, again with no drinking or dancing and polite conversation about fucking b-roads and people's jobs and shit.
If people are so interested in my job, why is that they can never remember what it is from one year to the next?
At least these days people assume I'm married because I have a daughter, so I don't get grilled about that.
If people are so interested in my job, why is that they can never remember what it is from one year to the next?
At least these days people assume I'm married because I have a daughter, so I don't get grilled about that.
It was for this dodgy bloke i used to work just after we all got made redundant at this place, him and his girlfriend clearly hadn't worked out they hated each other. i had to sit next to a tree hugging american hippy, it was all a bit twisted, this other guy who worked with me there, his girlfriend got really pissed and told me all about how shit her boyfriend was very loudly which was nice. The guy who's wedding it was still owes me £80 incidentally.
Another one was this girl down my road, who got married to this really frightening very short busker called George, who used to play the bontempi organ in the underpass from tescos. It was bad, she wore a poorly fitting wedding dress and the whole thing was again one of those well twisted weddings. It was clear to everyone George was a messhead, and ended up being a drunken wifebeater which was no surprise at all, but how can you tell adamant people really. The girl was total trouble though, my dad was godfather to one of her kids who she'd had by a fairground guy she never saw again, one day my dad got a call from the cops saying his little godson had been being used to go through windows to enable his mum and her friends to burgle the house. It was sad, she got the kids taken away from her eventually as she fell into alcoholic oblivion, last i saw of her was an interview with her in a documentary about homelessness in Plymouth.
On another note, worst birthday party was my girlfriend's friend's husband, a born again christian accountant, who's wife i think sticks with him as she's EXTREMELY materialistic, the sort of person who sends out special cards to let everyone know that she's moving to a bigger house, and he earns a fair bit, despite being very boring. The only conversation i've ever had with him was about boilers, the highlight of the party was his dad wearing a hilarious scotsman outfit with a plastic ass on the back, that was sort of funny at least. It was in a church hall in Kent.
Another one was this girl down my road, who got married to this really frightening very short busker called George, who used to play the bontempi organ in the underpass from tescos. It was bad, she wore a poorly fitting wedding dress and the whole thing was again one of those well twisted weddings. It was clear to everyone George was a messhead, and ended up being a drunken wifebeater which was no surprise at all, but how can you tell adamant people really. The girl was total trouble though, my dad was godfather to one of her kids who she'd had by a fairground guy she never saw again, one day my dad got a call from the cops saying his little godson had been being used to go through windows to enable his mum and her friends to burgle the house. It was sad, she got the kids taken away from her eventually as she fell into alcoholic oblivion, last i saw of her was an interview with her in a documentary about homelessness in Plymouth.
On another note, worst birthday party was my girlfriend's friend's husband, a born again christian accountant, who's wife i think sticks with him as she's EXTREMELY materialistic, the sort of person who sends out special cards to let everyone know that she's moving to a bigger house, and he earns a fair bit, despite being very boring. The only conversation i've ever had with him was about boilers, the highlight of the party was his dad wearing a hilarious scotsman outfit with a plastic ass on the back, that was sort of funny at least. It was in a church hall in Kent.
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I've only been to two - one sister's in 1981, when I was 5, which was just pure aggro. There was some sort of barney because my dad had stuck money behind the bar and the in-laws had been paying for their drinks all night - when they twigged, they came over and asked him for their cash back, which...really didn't go down well. Then my brother grabbed the DJ's microphone and burst into some rant along the lines of "If any of you bastards touch my sister...". I missed the rest because I'd stolen someone's drinks off the table when they were dancing and ended up throwing up all over myself and having to be taken home to bed. The fact she married a non-white didn't go down well with one of my Irish aunts, who spent the whole night banging on about "You never see a seagull and a crow in the same field" (I'm not making this up).
Then the other sister got hitched in '87, to some bloke from a public school background, which again riled my dad cos a) he thought the family were taking control of the arrangements and trying to out-flash him in the money stakes b) the bloke wasn't a Catholic, which made him a "pagan". Nothing really happened much, except apparently I upset some page girl afterwards and got a bollocking for making noises during the service. Subsequently, my sister hardly ever came to see us again, and I haven't spoken to her for years now.
Then the other sister got hitched in '87, to some bloke from a public school background, which again riled my dad cos a) he thought the family were taking control of the arrangements and trying to out-flash him in the money stakes b) the bloke wasn't a Catholic, which made him a "pagan". Nothing really happened much, except apparently I upset some page girl afterwards and got a bollocking for making noises during the service. Subsequently, my sister hardly ever came to see us again, and I haven't spoken to her for years now.
sodiumnightlife
Sweet Virginia
sorry to derail the thread but: the best wedding i ever went to was one when i was two. i thought bucks fizz was orange juice and got pissed. Amazing fun.
Martin Dust
Techno Zen Master
I crashed a wedding party once because I wanted the DJ to play a gig to help raise some money for a mate who had cancer. He agreed, top bloke.
Then this women comes over an says "Have you just hit my son" - this is because myself and Chris are 6ft plus and currently wearing red spikey hair and a lot of leather. Anyway, we say no and go off to investigate, in the toilets is a one legged bloke on the floor - properly had the shit kicked out of him.
We helped him up, put him back in his wheelchair and the women said sorry for blaming us but we looked like trouble
When we went back into the main room there was a full fist fight going on. Said DJ announced that the police had been called and got his lights punched out for his trouble.
A local family of ten brothers had kicked off at something someone said and just completely wrecked the place. The same brothers once gave me a mate a good kicking for nothing, I couldn't open my eyes for three fucking days and took 7 weeks before I healed properly. So I waited about two years before I popped the 3 main ones back using the following methods.
A) 10 Litres of paint stripper over their brand new XR3 - it produced the biggest paint bubble I've ever seen.
B) Waited for the biggest brother on my own after he came out of the pub and slotted him in the car-park.
C) Bought several pints for the local nutcases to sort the last one out, he was pretty mental. So the two lads got access to house loft in the same terrace as this guy, they skipped across 3 lofts and dropped down into his bedroom and gave him a kicking in his own bed.
This was the last time I had to use violence to solve anything in my life.
Then this women comes over an says "Have you just hit my son" - this is because myself and Chris are 6ft plus and currently wearing red spikey hair and a lot of leather. Anyway, we say no and go off to investigate, in the toilets is a one legged bloke on the floor - properly had the shit kicked out of him.
We helped him up, put him back in his wheelchair and the women said sorry for blaming us but we looked like trouble
When we went back into the main room there was a full fist fight going on. Said DJ announced that the police had been called and got his lights punched out for his trouble.A local family of ten brothers had kicked off at something someone said and just completely wrecked the place. The same brothers once gave me a mate a good kicking for nothing, I couldn't open my eyes for three fucking days and took 7 weeks before I healed properly. So I waited about two years before I popped the 3 main ones back using the following methods.
A) 10 Litres of paint stripper over their brand new XR3 - it produced the biggest paint bubble I've ever seen.
B) Waited for the biggest brother on my own after he came out of the pub and slotted him in the car-park.
C) Bought several pints for the local nutcases to sort the last one out, he was pretty mental. So the two lads got access to house loft in the same terrace as this guy, they skipped across 3 lofts and dropped down into his bedroom and gave him a kicking in his own bed.
This was the last time I had to use violence to solve anything in my life.
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Canada J Soup
Monkey Man
Hold on...slotted as in stabbed? Two years after? Remind me not to get on your bad side. Ever.
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Martin Dust
Techno Zen Master
Slotted = knocked out.
Canada J Soup
Monkey Man
Ah, OK. Bit of a usage difference from what I've heard before (stabbed or shot). If I'd known that you'd only lamped him I'd have been less concerned.
Side note, there seem to be more ways of saying that you hit someone in the UK / Ireland than in the US...ever wonder if this is one of those Eskimo/snow situations? (Which has itself been debunked somewhat...but still.)
Side note, there seem to be more ways of saying that you hit someone in the UK / Ireland than in the US...ever wonder if this is one of those Eskimo/snow situations? (Which has itself been debunked somewhat...but still.)
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Mr. Tea
Let's Talk About Ceps
Agreed. They're just a spontaneous-icebreaking-vampire-puppet-show away from perfection...
Martin Dust
Techno Zen Master
I figured if I took the oldest one out I wouldn't get any grief from the others, it worked. Sheffield isn't big on people"tooling" up - the rucking is pretty honest stuff and yeah I do hold grudges for a very long time. I had a history teacher who made my life a misery at school, so as soon as I got a job and car I use't to drive past him every morning at the bus stop, pip my horn and give him the jacks - after 4 years it still made me laugh
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