bloody miserable


my problem is i get stuck in obsessive thought patterns
That doesn't surprise me at all. I'm not talking about you particularly, I just mean that I understand how obsessive thoughts are like a whirlpool or a black hole or something trying to drag one in and I'm only surprised that more people don't have this problem more often.

What I mean by that is sometimes I suffer from insomnia, and sometimes I don't. But when I do obsessive thought patterns are what I get instead of sleep. It's normally a loop although the tightness can vary - that is to say sometimes it's one thing that just repeats again and again, but it could equally well be A leads to B leads to C leads to D leads to A, the common feature is the circularity.

And when I'm suffering and I can't sleep there seems no escape, no way out whatsoever. I really have no strategy or approach that I can use to even attempt to break out.

And again that's why I say that hearing that someone suffers in the same way doesn't surprise me at all. When I'm in that loop it feels inconceivable that any other way might exist.

The strange thing is though, sometimes I sleep fine. And when I'm in that mode the other one seems equally alien. Of course I wouldn't want to get into that other situation, but if I did want to I would be equally unable to do so.

As a clumsy kind of metaphor type thing it feels that my mind has two completely separate tracks, like say, imagine scalextric or those hornby railways or something, and my mind is an attic room in which some hobbyist geek type has set up two large tables with each table having its own totally self-contained independent little railway on it. One table is the "good" one which allows me to sleep, the other is the bad one. I have no idea how the train can move from one table to the other, in fact it seems impossible that it should, but sometimes somehow it does. And when it moves to the bad one it's horrible, I know it's gonna be there for a non-trivial period and I know it's gonna be awful.