First time I went to New Orleans, I had to go via Fort Worth, TX - unfortunately, a felon with my name had just done something naughty and then jumped state, so I was detained for hours. At one point, the chubby, friendly Latina fed interviewing me put a box of latex gloves on the table, so I really thought I was going to get my arsehole poked. I know it’s not Guantanamo Bay, but it's pretty depressing sitting in a holding cell, being glared at by guys with massive belts dripping guns, tasers and nasty-looking canisters. Missed the connection and only narrowly got a late-night flight to NOLA, where a 400lb man sat on me for two hours.
Also went to Malta with food poisoning once, which got so bad I had to see a doctor – and I DID get my arsehole poked. I’ve no clue why – I’ve since asked medical bods if that’s standard procedure for food poisoning, and they all said no…so I’m assuming he was just a pervert. Either way, I sprayed liquid crap all over his hand and the examination couch, so it couldn’t have been worth it…unless he was into that sort of stuff? He gave me some pills that turned my shit green and I spent the next 3 days in the hotel, shitting green poo, smoking Marlboro Reds and watching MTV. But I did lose 1 stone.
I had to go to Aberdeen for work a couple of times – I don’t need to expand on this, right? One time, I was flying back from Cyprus but the baggage handlers had just gone on strike, so BA coached us to this hotel and gave us all a free meal voucher and a £5 allowance for phone calls (asked if I could use the £5 for bar money and got a predictably snotty response). Ended up sitting with the world’s most boring man, who was banging on about how he’d married his childhood sweetheart and how his kids were top of the class, and trying to show me pics of a weather balloon that had drifted into his back garden. I couldn’t even get pissed at the bar because I was out of Euros and the hotel was miles from an ATM, so I just turned in at 9pm and spent an hour drawing rude cartoons and writing insulting comments inside the free local info mag, for the next guest to read.
i think black cabs are better than uber cabs
I knew you were going to have a grim experience as soon as I read this.