Favourite jokes and one-liners.

woops

woops

is not like other people
When my Dad died I lost the plot. Still dunno where he's buried

A girl told me she was doing a benefit gig for breast cancer. I said 'is breast cancer something close to your heart?'
 
Mr. Tea

Mr. Tea

Let's Talk About Ceps
Sectionfive said:
So I was playing chess with a friend, and said 'let's make this more interesting', so we stopped playing chess.
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I like chess, but this is brilliant. :)

Sectionfive said:
I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.
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Two lawyers walk into a pub, order drinks and then sit down and start eating sandwiches they've brought with them.

The landlord yells "Oi! You can't eat your own food in here".

The lawyers shrug and swap sandwiches.
 
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Mr. Tea

Mr. Tea

Let's Talk About Ceps
woops said:
When my Dad died I lost the plot. Still dunno where he's buried

A girl told me she was doing a benefit gig for breast cancer. I said 'is breast cancer something close to your heart?'
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Good, but not up there with the Jewish paedo.
 
Ulala

Ulala

Awkward Woodward
Mr. Tea said:
So I was playing chess with a friend, and said 'let's make this more interesting', so we stopped playing chess.
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Much the same joke, really, but:

I was playing pool with a friend and he put a a quid on the table and said "let's make this more interesting,". So I put the quid in the jukebox.

Also:

What's green and eats nuts? Syphilis.

What's blue and fucks grannies? Hypothermia.

A little girl is found wandering in a supermarket. The security guard asks the girl, "what's your mum like?"
"Big cocks and vodka, mister."
 
B

baboon2004

Darned cockwombles.
Best/worst/most morally reprehensible joke to tell at a polite gathering:

What do nine out of ten people enjoy? Gang rape.

Problem with that type of joke is, obviously, that a significant minority of men don't think there's anything wrong with it....
 
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Mr. Tea

Mr. Tea

Let's Talk About Ceps
This couple who've been married for 20 years realise the spark's gone out of their love life a bit, so they buy a sex manual to see if they can get some inspiration. They're leafing through a chapter on roleplay when the guy says "Ooh look, let's try a rape scenario!"
His wife says "Um, darling, I don't really like the sound of that..."
Hubby replies "That's the spirit!"
 
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baboon2004

Darned cockwombles.
i presume you've seen that scene in Choke. One of the most inspired comic moments ever. I like to think it's an inspired and profound comment on projection and sexual neurosis, but whatever.
 
Mr. Tea

Mr. Tea

Let's Talk About Ceps
bandshell said:
I made some sort of comment / joke about my mother eating her still born child at a gathering and got some extremely distasteful looks. I still feel guilty about the comment now, pretty vile thing to say.
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I think Genesis P-Orridge would consider that in rather poor taste...
 
B

baboon2004

Darned cockwombles.
bandshell said:
I made some sort of comment / joke about my mother eating her still born child at a gathering and got some extremely distasteful looks. I still feel guilty about the comment now, pretty vile thing to say.

Once, in the middle of an exam, one of my mates leaned over and told me a joke which was

Why is Winnie the Pooh a bear? Because he's a fucking dick
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Never wise to tell those kind of jokes except to people you know (and therefore know haven't experienced the thing in reality), I've found from bad experience... Edit: obv I probably mean still birth, rather than the eating part...

that's a class joke. i love offensive semi-non-sequitur bathos (that sounds like irony but it's not, i genuinely do).
 
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Mr. Tea

Mr. Tea

Let's Talk About Ceps
The one I heard was "Why does Noddy have bells on his hat? Because he's a cunt."

Sure I've said this one before, but I love jokes that have multiple punchlines. The second punchline can be used to surprise someone who thinks they know what's coming next because they've heard the first punchline:

Q. Why do anarchists only drink herbal tea?
A(1). Because all proper tea is theft.
A(2). Because they're a bunch of smelly hippy cunts.
 
IdleRich

IdleRich

IdleRich
"Never wise to tell those kind of jokes except to people you know (and therefore know haven't experienced the thing in reality), I've found from bad experience..."
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Yes, I seem to remember someone I know picking the wrong person for a hilarious joke about cot death.
 
B

baboon2004

Darned cockwombles.
ah, i see... in which case, if your mum wasn't there, i think you're within your rights to joke about it. laughter and tears are pretty close to each other, anyways...
 
slowtrain

slowtrain

Well-known member
I remember that 'rape' scene in the book.

That book was pretty crappy.

The best one of his books in 'Snuff' but it also sucks, but it has a large collection of amazing insults
 
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