Favourite jokes and one-liners.
- Thread starter baboon2004
- Start date
empty mirror
remember the jackalope
this one is maybe a little tired but i like it:
"I spent 90% of my money on women, drink and fast cars. The rest I wasted." - George Best.
hmn. i guess that isn't a joke or a one-liner... carry on!
"I spent 90% of my money on women, drink and fast cars. The rest I wasted." - George Best.
hmn. i guess that isn't a joke or a one-liner... carry on!
mistersloane
heavy heavy monster sound
Nearly. Both of them are white.
"alcohol may be man's worst enemy. but the bible says love your enemy." - Frank Sinatra
baboon2004
Darned cockwombles.
I think George wins that battle of wits hands down!
bassbeyondreason
Chtonic Fatigue Syndrome
I hate paedophles, they're fucking immature arseholes...
empty mirror
remember the jackalope
and then there's the classic lily tomlin line, "is this the person to whom i am speaking?"
IdleRich
IdleRich
Maybe a bit too mainstream but it made me laugh.
This city girl gets moved out of London to the countryside during the blitz and is terrified on hearing a twit-to-woo noise in the trees.
Wassat?
It's only an owl?
I know it was an owl but what owled it?
edit: dammit, just noticed I mispelled owl which kind of makes the whole thing make no sense.
This city girl gets moved out of London to the countryside during the blitz and is terrified on hearing a twit-to-woo noise in the trees.
Wassat?
It's only an owl?
I know it was an owl but what owled it?
edit: dammit, just noticed I mispelled owl which kind of makes the whole thing make no sense.
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baboon2004
Darned cockwombles.
"Where have you been Mrs Parker - we haven't seen you in a while."
"I've been fucking busy and vice versa."
"I've been fucking busy and vice versa."
IdleRich
IdleRich
In general I like ones where it hinges on a mispronunciation but it kinda works in reverse - I mean the person hears the other person's correct pronunciation of a word as a different word which they pronounce incorrectly eg
Sean Connery's agent phones him up and says - I've got a job for you tomorrow, but they want you pretty early, be there for ten-ish
Sean replies - Tenish? But I don't have a racket.
Sean Connery's agent phones him up and says - I've got a job for you tomorrow, but they want you pretty early, be there for ten-ish
Sean replies - Tenish? But I don't have a racket.
baboon2004
Darned cockwombles.
You heard Stewart Lee's riff on Ang Lee? Youtube it.
Mr. Tea
Let's Talk About Ceps
Q. What's the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?
A. Neil Armstrong went to the moon...and Michael Jackson fucks little kids.
baboon2004
Darned cockwombles.
yeah, but much more about lee's story-telling abilities and ability to work every last laugh out of a situation.
Mr. Tea
Let's Talk About Ceps
It's hardly a one-liner, but Lee and Herring's sketch about "x is like y on z" is very funny:
http://video.filestube.com/video,f146020894d36f6d03e9.html (sorry for pop-ups)
"Apparently Lee Evans is like Norman Wisdom on acid. Well we decided to test that..."
http://video.filestube.com/video,f146020894d36f6d03e9.html (sorry for pop-ups)
"Apparently Lee Evans is like Norman Wisdom on acid. Well we decided to test that..."
empty mirror
remember the jackalope
classic joke told by chimps
whenever i tell this joke now, i set it up by saying, so two chimps are sitting at a bar, right? you know, like to add layers of mediation, glass-onion steelo.
whenever i tell this joke now, i set it up by saying, so two chimps are sitting at a bar, right? you know, like to add layers of mediation, glass-onion steelo.
vimothy
yurp
Heh
mos dan
fact music
his new set contains another 15minute long 'bit' revolving largely around one sentence repeated/extrapolated over and over. it's high-art comedy, but it's fucking funny.