Mr. Cheese
Paternal Reassurance
Because, you know, an extraterrestrially adept footie-player would never be ignored by the masses no matter his personal shortcomings, while musical virtuosos are doomed to a life in oblivion, plucking away in solitude at some remote subway station, the iPodious passers-by not even susceptible to their beseeching invites. O the iniquity! Have you ever been a virtuoso at anything? Did it do you any good?