9) I'm Lonely, 2018
So me and the house-sitting workmate are pretty close after a few years working together, and it's even better when they buy a flat with their girlfriend, not realising it is directly across the road from the place we're staying. Two internal promotions come up - we would be working together, exact same dynamic, but on a bigger scale. He gets the position he wants, but I'm told I'm capable of a level higher than the one I wanted and they offer me a "better" job somewhere else with more money and potential. It has dozens of red flags but instead of staying put I'm naive enough to take it, thinking and believing in myself enough that I can make the changes needed in the environment to make it a good job. It is beyond awful: I've got the responsibility of a manager but none of the freedoms to deal with the staff issues, and the staff issues are extreme: think open racism and homophobia, people having physical fights, fire alarms being deliberately set off. The travel is longer and there's no routine due to the shifts constantly needing covered and altered. Meanwhile, my fractitious relationships with my family boil over, and in the interest of self-regard I have to cut them out. Add in my mental state with the burglary, the knife-point mugging in Lisbon, and just general frustration with the way my life has turned out, and I finally snap. I go to the doctor, stressed and depressed, and get signed off for several weeks. I'm prescribed an anti-depressant that's new to me, and of course I have an adverse reaction to it, where I start hallucinating, hearing voices, feeling the urge to hurt D physically. I stop the tablets after two days and accept that this isn't for me, and later learn during this that D and a friend phoned with a view to trying to get me sectioned. Once I'm over this unpleasantness, I try to go back to work, but my old role has been filled leaving me to go back to an entry-level role, part-time because that's all that's available. I'm skint, bitter and exhausted.
Enter BS, a friend of a friend. I meet her after going to visit a pal at her home for a drink and a catch-up. BS is properly mental. She's the kind of person you want to be your best friend but also the kind of person you would never want to know where you live: she's fun and fearless, but also formidable and full-on. Her look is a mix of ex-raver and successful WAG, and her energy is irresistible. She is also incredibly enthusiastic about substances.
As I mentioned before, I've been basically terrified of drugs. I've tried a few puffs of a joint and a few cakes but it's never been for me: it makes me sick, I don't like the smell or the taste, I'm not good at consuming it without looking like a knob, and all the folk I know in my everyday life who enjoy it are people I don't have much in common with culturally. I've lived through the mephedrone boom, seen it on my brother and it just looked like a permanent comedown, and while I've always been curious as it's such an integral part of dance music culture I've never taken any class As.
But at this point, I've got nothing to lose. Not even in a nihilistic, hedonistic way - I just don't feel worried any more. The worst things that could happen to me seem to have happened and I've come out the other end of it, and I feel with BS and our mutual friend that if I'm going to try something then I might as well do it around people who know what they're doing and feel safe to be around.
Life changes, again. I meet new people, people who turn out to be the best friends I could ever have, not just because they like dance music and clubbing and fun, but they're on our wavelength and we can hang out properly without it being a massive party. There's still peripherals, people I only see when I'm out and wouldn't know outside of the 3am vibe, but there's a core group who are essential and wonderful. I start going clubbing again, only now it's very different, much better.
I can't remember who it was who played this track, but it was definitely near the end of a night in a Glasgow club that doesn't get the same acclaim as The Arches or Sub Club. I knew this from an old Cream mix CD I had growing up, but it sounded incredible when I heard it out. The cold, machine-funk of the bassline, the warbling ice pads, the militia snares and sterile acid squelches, all making my skin glow and tremble. And that vocal - I need to be with someone, tonight - feeling urgent and inviting, perfect for a state of heightened connection.