sometimes, I just wanna delete myself (at least from facebook)
On May 24th on facebook I said
"I wrote a post yesterday that took me SEVERAL hours to write (not exaggerating) that also included some of the very painful and shameful experiences that I endured (concentrating on my mid-teens)
People say that I should have spoke up more when I was younger, but it was hard to do when feeling so much shame. Now I speak up, and NOTHING.
Not only have I received no engagements except for one person that I had already talked to about it on the phone, but it would be nice if I get even 1/100th of the recognition from people in the family get from other members of the family - oh, nevermind, it's not sports..."
still nothing...
yesterday on facebook I said
"YOU ALL FUCKING SUCK
JUST AS I ALWAYS SAY, NO ONE GIVES A SHIT UNLESS YOU'RE A WOMAN, A PERSON OF COLOR OR LGBTQ+
I wrote something a couple of weeks ago detailing just a few of the problems I faced with severe NVLD* in my high school years, something that took me several hours to write AND FUCKING CRICKETS
IF I WERE A WOMAN, A PERSON OF COLOR OR LGBTQ+ PEOPLE WOULD BE HANDING OUT MEDALS AND CELEBRATING ME"
*The person that diagnosed me ~23 years ago said that people with my level of NVLD (measured in large part by the difference in a person's "performance IQ" and "verbal IQ") are often either dead by then or at least homeless - not said to me, but to my mom and stepfather, who were there for me during the diagnosis so he could also get information from them about what I was like
When I first went in, all I knew that I was being tested for autism, I'd never heard of NVLD (and another reason he pointed to NVLD was that the testing and diagnosis rolled into a second day when it shouldn't last that long).
The reason that I decided that I needed to get tested was that I had started reading things about autism, for some reason, when I first got on the internet around 94 and for the next several years - I also picked up books by famous autistic people like Temple Grandin but that just confused me even further because she didn't seem to suffer from some of the same things, and she would "visualize" her way through things.
Finally, in 2001 when another relationship and job fell apart at the same time, I started reading more about it and decided there must be at least something to it even if all of the puzzle pieces didn't fit, and that's when I went to someone that specialized in working with autistic people to get diagnosed and tested, and that's when I first heard of NVLD when it was being applied to me.