Rather than being birthed like a normal child, K-punk instead punched his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
Before email was invented K-punk would attach messages to kittens and roundhouse kick them.
The chief export of K-punk is pain.
K-punk has yet to get a Who Wants To Be A Millionaire question wrong. Jesus has missed two.
K-punk sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, K-punk roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "K-punk--more than meets the eye, K-punk--robot in disguise," and starred K-punk as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
K-punk can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".
K-punk once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending K-punk. His reasoning? It was more "humane".
If you can see K-punk, he can see you. If you can't see K-punk you may be only seconds away from death.
If you ask K-punk what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
When K-punk sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. K-punk has not had to pay taxes ever.
K-punk lost his virginity before his dad did.
K-punk once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
K-punk built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, K-punk met all three bullets with his cap, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
K-punk doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Scientists used to believe that a diamond was the world's hardest substance. But then they met K-punk, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure that the scientists turned into artificial K-punk.
When K-punk's wife burned the turkey one Christmas, he said, "don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question K-punk."
K-punk owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a get out of jail free monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green number 4 card from the game Uno.