Favourite jokes and one-liners.

S

Sick Boy

All about pride and egos
From one of those millions of panel shows:

Noel Fielding: Which one's Stephen Hawking?
Jimmy Carr: Which one's Stephen Hawking? He's the one that sounds like a speak and spell. I mean no disrespect, I'm just putting it in terms that Noel will understand.
NF: He's not the singer of that group?
JC: That's Justin Hawkins you're getting him confused with. He's in The Darkness.

Russell Brand: Stephen Hawking is sometimes in the darkness, when he can't reach the light.
 
Last edited:
B

baboon2004

Darned cockwombles.
mos dan said:
his new set contains another 15minute long 'bit' revolving largely around one sentence repeated/extrapolated over and over. it's high-art comedy, but it's fucking funny.
Click to expand...

any ideas when he's on tour again? can't find any dates on his website.... :(
 
B

baboon2004

Darned cockwombles.
Bang Diddley said:
yeah but 7 mins of it . . . . zzzzz
Click to expand...

could be, if he didn't have such a mastery of the form. that's kinda equivalent to saying that krautrock is boring because it consists of 7/8/9 minute variations upon the same theme... obviosuly if you don't find it funny in the first place, that would be another issue entirely.
 
swears

swears

preppy-kei
Mr. Tea said:
It's hardly a one-liner, but Lee and Herring's sketch about "x is like y on z" is very funny:

http://video.filestube.com/video,f146020894d36f6d03e9.html (sorry for pop-ups)

"Apparently Lee Evans is like Norman Wisdom on acid. Well we decided to test that..."
Click to expand...

I loved Lee and Herring as a teenager, I even had the Fist of Fun annual. I liked the way they made fun of everything that was mediocre and naff about life in 90s Britain. Hearing comedians do jokes about the sort of lame things me a my mates would laugh about (Ginsters pasties, Panda Pops, badminton, Tony Parsons) was a revelation, lol.

He is a great standup now too, yup.
 
N

Ness Rowlah

Norwegian Wood
Thor Hansen (pro-poker player) response to an interviewer, after he’d won a million dollars in one of the first big tournaments.

Asked what he intended to do with the money Thor said
“I’ll probably pay a few bills, settle a few debts.”

“Yes, but what will you do with the rest?” asked the interviewer.

“Oh, they’ll have to wait.”
 
craner

craner

Beast of Burden
One last time...

What do you call a man with a tree on his head?

Edward

What do you call a man with 3 trees on his head?

Edward Woodward

What do you call a man with 4 trees on his head?

I dont know but Edward Woodward would!


A joke sent to the grave with the great man. RIP.
 
craner

craner

Beast of Burden
At a U2 concert in Glasgow, Bono asks the audience for some quiet. Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands. Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone, 'Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.' A voice from near the front pierces the silence: 'Well, stop clapping your fucking hands then!' "
Click to expand...

Oh man, I hope that one's true...
 
matt b

matt b

Indexing all opinion
craner said:
What do you call a man with a tree on his head?

Edward

What do you call a man with 3 trees on his head?

Edward Woodward

What do you call a man with 4 trees on his head?

I dont know but Edward Woodward would!


A joke sent to the grave with the great man. RIP.
Click to expand...


why has edward woodward got so many Ds in his name?

Because otherwise he'd be called e war woo woo



(phonetic spelling)
 
C

Client Eastwood

Well-known member
A door to door salesman knocks on a door. A little boy answers dressed in a
smoking jacket, smoking a cigar and a brandy in inhand. Salesman asks 'Are your
parents in?' the boy replies 'does it fecking look it'.
 
Mr. Tea

Mr. Tea

Let's Talk About Ceps
The following conversation actually happened the other day. For some reason we were talking about actors who'd been in Bond films:

"Phwoar, I'd Famk her Janssen!"
"But would you Pierce his Brosnan?"
"Yep. Then I'd Roger him some Moore. But I'd watch Ursula Andress first."
 
Sectionfive

Sectionfive

bandwagon house
I just bought a new blindfold, can't see myself wearing it though.




So I was playing chess with a friend, and said 'let's make this more interesting', so we stopped playing chess.





I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top