How angry are you with your mum and dad still
- Thread starter luka
- Start date
Mr. Tea
Let's Talk About Ceps
I think it must be an Irish thing. Like, dissing your ma and da is the next worst thing to stealing a crucifix from the sacristy and chucking it in a Portaloo.
lol. Typical Luka. Frame an ambiguous assertion, get defensive when it's basic faults are pointed out and then strawman a bit to try and stir up more shit to cover up his folly.
Try, NOT reading between the lines and actually read what was written rather than becoming furiously offended for no apparent reason.
I have two children. It throws parenting into a completely different light. Without that experience you are only getting half of the story and it makes it far easier to forgive all those petty 'normal' resentments and grudges that build up over adolescence.
Thats not to say that there aren't plenty of valid reasons to be angry at your parents ranging from low level emotional distance, lack of attention etc to outright neglect, bullying and abuse - but that's not what this thread is about is it? Its about the normality of middle aged men still being angry at parents
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lol. Freudian bit of self-awareness there.
sadmanbarty
Well-known member
I had some fairly dark things happen involving my parents when I was very young and as I got older there were still some unpleasant things going on, but these were for the most part isolated, self contained events. In terms of my everyday interactions with them our relationship couldn't be better. I'm not aware of anyone with anywhere near the same degree of closeness as we have. I can't say I'm angry with them.
I could imagine that if it was the other way round (nothing terrible happened, but we just didn't get along) I would be angry with them. I've seen that in other people.
I could imagine that if it was the other way round (nothing terrible happened, but we just didn't get along) I would be angry with them. I've seen that in other people.
Disagree with Baboon's '10%' (yeah, I know it's not a literal stat) - I come from what you might call a dysfunctional family but I've found my experience to be very much in the minority. Most people I've met seem to be pretty cordial with their parents.
Three days before I left home, I remember squaring up to my dad with a hoover and attempting to smack him over the head with it, while he lunged at me with a knife. I don't feel any anger now - I'm wondering what the hell it was about. Possibly me making a cup of tea and not offering him one. Still, I've no doubt he'd have driven me to hospital and been quite remorseful if he'd actually stuck me.
Anger at your parents and their weird immigrant ways tends to dissipate when you leave home and meet the next round of genuine cunts - bank managers, landlords, petty bureaucrats, bad bosses, etc.
Three days before I left home, I remember squaring up to my dad with a hoover and attempting to smack him over the head with it, while he lunged at me with a knife. I don't feel any anger now - I'm wondering what the hell it was about. Possibly me making a cup of tea and not offering him one. Still, I've no doubt he'd have driven me to hospital and been quite remorseful if he'd actually stuck me.
Anger at your parents and their weird immigrant ways tends to dissipate when you leave home and meet the next round of genuine cunts - bank managers, landlords, petty bureaucrats, bad bosses, etc.
Still a cardinal crime here. People have had to emigrate after doing this.
I had a close friend who worked in social care homes for kids and adolescents with severe behavioural problems and he had some incredibly tragic stories to tell.
He was properly liberal, but one thing we disagreed on was his firm opinion that forced sterilisation should be an option in abuse cases - though I could see where he was coming from.
He was properly liberal, but one thing we disagreed on was his firm opinion that forced sterilisation should be an option in abuse cases - though I could see where he was coming from.
Mr. Tea
Let's Talk About Ceps
My parents are great but they not infrequently do my head in. Mostly it's directly or indirectly to do with offering unsolicited life advice. They're just unable to understand that 2016 is not 1976 or 1986 or even 1996. They also have very fixed ideas about the things they like and don't like but at the same time consider me to be a terrible snob and elitist.
My girlfriend is frequently very legitimately angry with her mum, who can be incredibly emotionally abusive and has finessed the art of passive aggression to a level of zen-like perfection.
Agreed with droid about the cup of tea thing. Martin, I hope you're thoroughly ashamed of yourself and have sought absolution for your dreadful sin.
Do you mean sterilization of abusive parents to stop them having any more kids, or of the abused kids so they don't then have kids of their own they'll most likely be unable to cope with and perhaps abuse in turn?
My girlfriend is frequently very legitimately angry with her mum, who can be incredibly emotionally abusive and has finessed the art of passive aggression to a level of zen-like perfection.
Agreed with droid about the cup of tea thing. Martin, I hope you're thoroughly ashamed of yourself and have sought absolution for your dreadful sin.
Do you mean sterilization of abusive parents to stop them having any more kids, or of the abused kids so they don't then have kids of their own they'll most likely be unable to cope with and perhaps abuse in turn?
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The former. it was in relation to a particular case where 6 children from the same family had gone into care one after another.
I like the sound of your parents. I think I should compare notes with them, get to the root of your snobby elitism.
Mr. Tea
Let's Talk About Ceps
Ugh, christ. I can certainly see where your mate was coming from in cases like that.
If anyone here should meet them, it's Luke. He's got this idea that I'm the latter-day, secular St. George of middlebrow England, but I can't really think of the last book or story I've read that my parents, especially my mum, wouldn't dismiss as 'weird', 'horrible' or both. She likes nice things. Actually I read Under Milk Wood recently, she might like that. Maybe I'll lend her my copy next time I see them.
rubberdingyrapids
Well-known member
i still have some anger.
always amazed at those who dont.
but then many arent even aware of it.
or they think complaining about your parents is selfish, narcissistic, spoilt, and contemptuous (so id advise to only do it on forums like this, when you know you are in safe company, lol).
but you cant really change anything without self awareness.
i dont hate my parents for certain things they did that i wish they didnt. its not their fault. most people just do as was done to them, with a few shifts, depending on how terrible their parents were or werent. so theyre no different in that respect. i wouldnt say we are close, i dont talk to them about much personal, but that doesnt mean they dont care, its more of a practical relationship. but if i have kids, id like to make sure there is more to our relationship than that (if i have a son, in particular, i will work to make sure it is quite different). but like martin, my parents came from another era, another country, another culture (though in fairness, ive met english people whose parents did some fairly similar stuff so I guess questionable parenting is something that knows no borders). I cant say they didnt work around the clock to support us so i feel its only right to do the same now they are getting older.
doesnt mean i cant get pissed off about the past though.
always amazed at those who dont.
but then many arent even aware of it.
or they think complaining about your parents is selfish, narcissistic, spoilt, and contemptuous (so id advise to only do it on forums like this, when you know you are in safe company, lol).
but you cant really change anything without self awareness.
i dont hate my parents for certain things they did that i wish they didnt. its not their fault. most people just do as was done to them, with a few shifts, depending on how terrible their parents were or werent. so theyre no different in that respect. i wouldnt say we are close, i dont talk to them about much personal, but that doesnt mean they dont care, its more of a practical relationship. but if i have kids, id like to make sure there is more to our relationship than that (if i have a son, in particular, i will work to make sure it is quite different). but like martin, my parents came from another era, another country, another culture (though in fairness, ive met english people whose parents did some fairly similar stuff so I guess questionable parenting is something that knows no borders). I cant say they didnt work around the clock to support us so i feel its only right to do the same now they are getting older.
doesnt mean i cant get pissed off about the past though.
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baboon2004
Darned cockwombles.
lol I did read what was written, again! I haven't changed my opinion much, though I am considerably less angered now.
I do understand that you found it perplexing why I became so angry - simply as you don't know anything about me - but surely you can understand that this is a very emotive topic, in which a careless statement, even if not badly intended, can be very triggering.
And I find "Anyone still angry at their parents after 30 without good reason is trapped in adolescent thought patterns" to be careless. What's the point of repeating the default normative opinion in this society regarding parent-child relationships, that it is 'adolescent' (an ironic word to use, in that children and adolescents tend to be more truthful than adults in baring their true feelings, in my experience at least) to be angry unless something that we can all agree is terrible has happened to you?
If someone is angry with a member of their family, then you should respect that they have a good reason to be. It isn't a lifestyle choice. And that in many cases, it takes a good deal longer than the arbitrary age of 30 to sort things out.
I guess I was also surprised because the ideas you express on so many other threads are very well thought through, and depart from 'conventional wisdom' (quite rightly, because most conventional wisdom is bollocks). But in this case you've given an opinion which to my mind seems aggressively normative. Maybe - probably! - you disagree with that characterisation.
PS I never said that "anyone who doesnt feel this way (angry at their parents) is a psychopath or 'repressed' in some way". I just said 90%
. Either way, I'm not sure I understand what your investment is in railing against this point of view, or in establishing what is 'normal' for people to feel.
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baboon2004
Darned cockwombles.
very true. disorganised attachment is particularly complex and head-fucking
baboon2004
Darned cockwombles.
Yeah, definitely the 10% was for rhetorical purposes! But I have to say that so many people I know have had dysfunction of some kind in their families, even if their relationship with their parents seems broadly functional/'normal' in some ways. Hidden dysfunction, I suppose, which is how I'd characterise my own family
Corpsey
bandz ahoy
I was in therapy for about two years, so I had plenty of opportunities to scrutinise and criticise my parents, albeit always with the knowledge that they are two of the most self-sacrificing, understanding and kind people I've ever known. They're better people than me, to be honest. What they arguably did 'wrong' in my case was being TOO nice to me. I believe my personality to have been stunted by a safety net: I'm conflict adverse, risk adverse, looking-after-my-own-money adverse, etc. I couldn't do any of the bogstandard household chores by the time I went to University, and can just about do three or four now.
Other than that, I am a tremendously angry person, which I take to be a genetic (or imitative) inheritance from my dad.
Anyway, in summary I've not much to complain about with my parents, and a great deal to be thankful for. As much as I love Larkin's 'This Be the Verse', I think it only tells half the story (although perhaps not in his case, given that his dad was an actual Nazi!).
Other than that, I am a tremendously angry person, which I take to be a genetic (or imitative) inheritance from my dad.
Anyway, in summary I've not much to complain about with my parents, and a great deal to be thankful for. As much as I love Larkin's 'This Be the Verse', I think it only tells half the story (although perhaps not in his case, given that his dad was an actual Nazi!).