Intoxication log
- Thread starter Corpsey
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0bleak
A Liniment's Evil Work
The other thing, and maybe I shouldn't admit this, but whatever - @luka's comment about top 10 milfs got me mulling over it again:
The last job I had, it was mostly milfs that worked for the company, and several of them were always kind of trying to hook me in - sometimes even getting catty with each other about it.
I ended up falling prey to two of them, but one of them was single so I didn't feel so bad about it.
The other one, the one that I was REALLY into, we had a pretty intense affair (my god was she a freak!) and it ended up breaking up her marriage, and I've felt really bad about it ever since, so if I have to pay a penance, then so be it - being alone ain't so bad especially since I don't feel like I have to hide all my nvld defects or answer uncomfortable questions when people ask about my physical scars (especially when they're apparent enough from being so deep that it had to get sewn back together in the hospital) - it also seems to freak people out to when they see them, like they want to get away in case, I guess in their mind, they don't want to be the cause of another episode, even though all that shit happened years ago when I was a teen.
Mr. Tea
Let's Talk About Ceps
So, on the one hand, no woman wants you because of your disability, but at the same time, you're presumably a dead ringer for Brad Pitt, because wherever you go you get women pretty much physically brawling with each other for the opportunity to get you into bed?
0bleak
A Liniment's Evil Work
I mean, that's a pretty funny but simple way of looking at it (I also don't think I'm hot by any means, but I think the way I learned to carry myself plays into it).
before reading further, I should say this is a very simplistic outline:
Besides all of the other reasons for self-loathing, I've also always carried a lot of self-hatred about my physical body, too, since I grew up chubby since I basically didn't do anything that involves motor skills, and I hated myself so much for all the undiagnosed nvld stuff that I would also seek comfort in food.
When I got older and started getting taller and less chubby like later in my teens, and eating less, and going dancing all of the time - that's when I started looking a lot better.
At the time I started to attract a lot of women, I still carried a lot of self-hatred, and I really just wanted to find people that could I be with longer term, but it seemed like a lot of people would soon start to get turned off for one reason or another when they realized I was weird.
I rarely managed to have any healthy long-term relationship and that was further mentally damaging to me.
In one of the @kid charlemagne threads, I mentioned how there was someone I really liked but I was so damaged by that point that I couldn't even bring myself to say simple words like "i really like you".
0bleak
A Liniment's Evil Work
The two women I most a hard time with losing due to my weirdness - I know the moments where and when they got the most shook.
Believe it or not, and I know it's pretty big coincidence, but they not only share the same name, but they were also both adopted as children.
The first one, we had been dating a few weeks and we were well into each other, and we took a road trip to go clubbing in Cincinnati where my mom and stepdad lived at the time. While were up there, I also did some music shopping and picked up a CD by the legendary pink dots.
On the road trip back, I popped it into the CD player and when this song came on, I played it back a couple more times:
She turned and asked me why I liked the song so much, but I couldn't really be honest with her (what was I gonna say, "oh, that song, well it speaks to the depression I've often had, oh and I've also spent time in mental hospitals - not quite a padded cell like in the song, but anyway...) but she saw through me at the point.
She was pretty much gone the next morning...
The other one of the same name - this is 7 years later, it was when she seemed really take a close look at my physical scars, especially the sort of railroad pattern where things had been sewn back together, and she asked "what happened here" - either way, I was pretty much f*cked at the point so I just said that I didn't want to talk about it.
and that was pretty much that, and that was the same married woman from above that I wrecked her marriage and had some fantasy about it working out between us since it had been like a year at that point and everyone knew about everything at that point and she was already separated...
yeah, i was with someone after that for years and even married to her for a few years, but I never really felt anything as I was just going along with things, so I guess you could say the last time I really fell for someone was like 23 years ago
Mr. Tea
Let's Talk About Ceps
Shit man, you've really had a hell of a time, haven't you?
Train doors slammed shut, disabled child's scarf was trapped in the door, women screaming in panic, useless idiot commuters sitting there gawping, train started moving...you had to punch a hole in the glass of the door to stop it.
Or just say "Bike accident" and change the subject.
No coming back, it's over.
IdleRich
IdleRich
Got so little self-control, sometimes i feel like Mr T, on Christmas Day my dad was talking about a golf course he played that closed some holes under certain conditions - I really had to fight to block my mouth from saying "reminds me of an ex-gf" in front of three generations of family.
0bleak
A Liniment's Evil Work
funny you should ask since I was just talking to someone on here about mushrooms in a private chat yesterday
but, anyway, to answer the question: I did a lot of psychedelics (mostly acid, but also including mushrooms) through my late teens and twenties - they were pretty helpful in the beginning (except the first time when I took too much and ended up in the state mental hospital again although i didn't really need to go by the time i was forced to go much later into the next day), but after the "breakthroughs" times when i came to some realizations that were helpful to a certain point, it was pretty much just for entertainment purposes.
i also went down some wrong avenues later in my experiments where I came up with the dumb idea that what I should really do to strengthen my mental resolve was too watch and listen to the most twisted things i could find, but I forgot the key point that the abyss also stares back!
Mr. Tea
Let's Talk About Ceps
Quoted for posterity, because this is brilliant.
Did they have a little red velvet rope barrier and everything?
vershy versh
Well-known member
I got so drunk last night I threw up on my kitchen floor when I got in.
Mr. Tea
Let's Talk About Ceps
Is this your most-liked post ever? Must be up there.
IdleRich
IdleRich
Excellent work. I'm so fucking bored in Wantage, last night when mum and dad went to bed I wandered into town and had a couple of glasses of wine in a random pub, got talking to this guy who turned out to be a councillor and I took the opportunity to put to him mum's concerns about - despite promises - the lack of wheelchair and buggy access on a path across a recent development near them. He was able to reassure me that the contractor Bovis has been ordered to deal with it and despite their foot dragging it will be done. Then I bought a bottle of vodka from the newsagents and drank it in bed to help me sleep.