Mr. Tea
Let's Talk About Ceps
OK, so this thread is so we can stop polluting version's wonderful JCvD thread with Seagal. I know virtually nothing about Seagal except that he's obvious a total tosser and a great candidate for a general figure of fun, so let's go.
I'll start with the observation that he appears to be the living embodiment of a type I'll call the White Martial-Arts Dickhead. (N.b. this is in no way an implication that all or even most white guys who are into martial arts are dickheads, before Padraig books a flight to come and roundhouse-kick my head clean off my shoulders. We're looking here at a very specific sub-set). So these observations can apply to Seagal or to the 'type' in general:
* He has a ponytail. This is compulsory. A small, neat beard helps, but it's not vital.
* Owns a very large, loud, flashy motorbike, perhaps several, doesn't use them much these days.
* He's muscular but also a bit fat. Lives on steak, drinks too much, probable coke habit. His pride and joy is a collection of competition trophies, none of which is less than 15 years old. Obviously still pretty hard in the general scheme of things, in that he could easily beat up an ordinary non-hard person like you or me, but would get his arse handed to him by a half-decent fighter in good shape.
* He has tattoos in Chinese characters that say things like "POWER" and "STRENGTH" and "HARMONY" (or at least, he thinks they do) and almost certainly also a yin-yang. Granted, so do most people these days - which really bothers him, because he's had his for decades.
* He has a collection of Japanese swords mounted on his living-room wall.
* His house is the epitome of 80s bachelor-pad chic. Shiny black leather sofas. Paintings of 'sexy babes', Native Americans etc. on black velvet. He keeps tropical fish and two or three really large and unpleasant-looking dogs, all of which have ridiculous names like 'Genghis'.
* He's not a big reader, but his favourite books are Sun Tzu's The Art of War and anything by Ayn Rand. He tried a couple of James Clavell novels on the recommendation of a friend, but found them a bit too long, complicated and boring, without enough violence and shagging.
* His sexual politics are abysmal. A borderline-to-actual rapist and wifebeater. He routinely holidays in SE Asia, alone or with a few like-minded friends. He publicly claims that porn is "for losers" and that he never watches it. Actually owns a large collection of really nasty porn, all of it featuring very small white or Asian women getting absolutely brutalized by huge black dudes.
* His politics in general are exactly what you'd expect.
I'll start with the observation that he appears to be the living embodiment of a type I'll call the White Martial-Arts Dickhead. (N.b. this is in no way an implication that all or even most white guys who are into martial arts are dickheads, before Padraig books a flight to come and roundhouse-kick my head clean off my shoulders. We're looking here at a very specific sub-set). So these observations can apply to Seagal or to the 'type' in general:
* He has a ponytail. This is compulsory. A small, neat beard helps, but it's not vital.
* Owns a very large, loud, flashy motorbike, perhaps several, doesn't use them much these days.
* He's muscular but also a bit fat. Lives on steak, drinks too much, probable coke habit. His pride and joy is a collection of competition trophies, none of which is less than 15 years old. Obviously still pretty hard in the general scheme of things, in that he could easily beat up an ordinary non-hard person like you or me, but would get his arse handed to him by a half-decent fighter in good shape.
* He has tattoos in Chinese characters that say things like "POWER" and "STRENGTH" and "HARMONY" (or at least, he thinks they do) and almost certainly also a yin-yang. Granted, so do most people these days - which really bothers him, because he's had his for decades.
* He has a collection of Japanese swords mounted on his living-room wall.
* His house is the epitome of 80s bachelor-pad chic. Shiny black leather sofas. Paintings of 'sexy babes', Native Americans etc. on black velvet. He keeps tropical fish and two or three really large and unpleasant-looking dogs, all of which have ridiculous names like 'Genghis'.
* He's not a big reader, but his favourite books are Sun Tzu's The Art of War and anything by Ayn Rand. He tried a couple of James Clavell novels on the recommendation of a friend, but found them a bit too long, complicated and boring, without enough violence and shagging.
* His sexual politics are abysmal. A borderline-to-actual rapist and wifebeater. He routinely holidays in SE Asia, alone or with a few like-minded friends. He publicly claims that porn is "for losers" and that he never watches it. Actually owns a large collection of really nasty porn, all of it featuring very small white or Asian women getting absolutely brutalized by huge black dudes.
* His politics in general are exactly what you'd expect.
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