Almost two weeks in to my second time quitting. Last break was after over a decade of use, at least seven years of nightly spliffs, really getting up there in quantity at the end. I made it about ten months clean before figuring it’d been long enough and I’d proven to myself I could stop whenever, then quickly got back to where I left off.
The weed here in NY compared to WA is absolute shit. I’ve mostly bought from semi-legal places since arriving. They tell you you’re picking from different strains but coming from the quality I was used to I seriously doubt the variety they claim. In WA, you could see and feel differences in color, smell, density, etc. without even opening the bag (they won’t let you). Here, everything smells about the same, and especially upon burning you get an odd uniform smell. Sold to you in unsealed ziploc packaging, with humiliating graphics, adulterated cartoons, Sonic the Hedghog stoned or some other lewd depiction. No one can tell you whether and what pesticides were used. Upon googling there are reports of contamination with all kinds of harmful chemicals and I don’t doubt it.
The withdrawal symptoms as far as sleep go aren’t as bad for me this time, because of less chronic build-up beforehand I’m guessing. No more satanic nightmares and waking up exhausted in pools of sweat, but I feel groggy, sluggish, extra depressed and anxious, and a constant, almost phantom-high which I can feel in my head and behind my eyes that sometimes I’m scared will never go away completely. Hardly have any fat on me so what little I do have must still be full of THC. God only knows what trace amounts of whatever else I’ve deposited inside myself now. Hate thinking about it. Probably some nicotine withdrawal going on too. I do sometimes miss my little relaxing sanctuary, my rewarding ritual at the end of the day. I’ve nothing to go off and do when feeling awkward at social functions, and no longer have access to that shortcut to stuporous wonder when listening to strange music. Less access to random thoughts and insights that don’t seem to generate themselves with the same frequency when sober, but who really knows in the end…
I might be being a little melodramatic but its the right decision for me right now. Have done it enough, its boring, costly, unhealthy and I can never seem to enjoy it once in a while, it always becomes a daily thing, always got to have some stocked, and papers and crutches and a lighter and some cigarettes and the money adds up when my cost of living has nearly doubled. Got to find somewhere to roll up cos its too windy, got to smoke before this movie, got to smoke after a meal, as I start this podcast, before I read this book, etc. Often in the first fifteen or twenty minutes of being stoned my physical strength is drastically reduced, moving around feels hard, my balance is off, and I can feel my heart pounding as I seem to be tolerating refraining from what I really want to do which is lie down. Although this could be mostly due to the nicotine which in large amounts has never agreed with me, and things mellow out significantly from there. I make it sound like I can’t hold my weed but hardly anyone can ever tell I’m stoned and once that initial rush is over I can function just fine. Although sometimes I wonder what the odds of being pulled over for something else and then coincidentally getting a DUI are, since I’ve driven stoned for as long as I can remember.
Then the residue bothers me, I want to get it out from under my fingernails, wash my hands and my nostrils and brush my teeth to remove all the spliff scum that I know is damaging my lungs, mouth, hair, skin and brain. I won’t go deep into the mental side of it, but can say as much as the simplifying, presence-inducing and chilled out effect is something I’ve always appreciated, relying on a drug-induced high to feel OK doesn’t sit right with me and the mental space it puts me in makes me feel like some kind of ruminative junkie autist bubble-boy. You can see what levels of self-disgust have brought me to this point. Weed feels like such an unserious drug that its hard to quit, so maybe exaggerating a bit has been the only way to convince myself its worth it to stop.
Last time I tried to quit someone brought up tinctures. If I ever return I think that’ll be my method of choice, if I could find a safe supply without too much effort or cash. But that’s far off in the horizon. Weed has been a big part of my life, to the point where being high does feel like its partially made me who I am, and not being high feels like losing a part of myself, and not just a bad part. I’ll definitely be back someday, but absolutely no more spliffs, probably no more smoking.
Please feel free to make fun of this post because it will probably only encourage me to continue to stay clean.
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