Invent Neo-Con strategies

luka

Well-known member
Staff member
the neo-cons are the most fun bunch of politicians in living memory, those guys have got big balls, they've got vision and the will to see those visions become reality


outflank the neo-cons, preempt their policies...

invent your own neo-con strategies, the more bold the better

Build mosques throughout the Muslim world, huge, ornate,
gold cupolas gleaming, walls inlaid with jewels
Install undercover mullahs in the mosques
Have them preach the virtues of the free market and rampant consumerism
‘A man shall be judged by the welath of his possession’
‘It is harder for a man who drives a Japanese car to enter heaven than it is for a butterfly to turn back into a caterpillar. He who drives a Chevrolet will drive his car to the very gates of heaven, where it will be refuelled and given a full valet service.’
‘Allah shows his displeasure with nations by making them poor. The rich are blessed by the lord. All hail America, richest and most blessed of nations.’

Have suicide bombers exploding in mosques and crowded market places.

Use Photoshop to depict Muslim political and religious leaders engaged in acts of sodomy, fellatio and bestiality. Picture them spitting on the Koran and rubbing their balls with a rubber crucifix in a lascivious fashion, murmuring, in low erotic tones, ‘I give my love to Jesus, I give all my love to Jesus.’

Covertly nationalise all major record companies. Ensure all popular recording artists sing propaganda songs. Have Usher sing about the merits of American Democracy. Have him invent a funky, but easy to mimic ‘democracy dance’ to accompany the song. Beam the music videos to all hostile nations via satellite technology. At the end of the video the whole world will be pictured smiling and doing the democracy dance while enjoying quintessential American products, Marlboro cigs, Budweiser, Jack Daniels and Coca-Cola…

Employ secret agents to scrawl pro-Bush administration graffiti on the walls of the famous ‘Arab Street’

Plant uncover agents as reporters for Al-Jazeera. Have them broadcast stories about Americans rescuing Palestinian babies from certain death, at great personal risk, stories about the Iranian government using human guinea pigs to test the effects of radiation, stories about how the name of Allah keeps appearing mysteriously in American meat and vegetables.

Use a Bin Laden lookalike to record a series of videos, all with contradictory messages.
One says ‘I have renounced Islam and become a Mormon’
One says ‘I have renounced Islam and reverted to my former playboy way. Life is about more then prayer and Jihad, it is about big breasted women and fast cars. Rejoice’
One says ‘If the rabbit ran faster, it would be an alley cat’ then raises one eyebrow in a knowing fashion
One says ‘My former path of violence was merely a product of my repressed homosexuality. I have met a good American man who has helped reconcile me to my sexuality. I have abandoned my violent ways and now live a life of blissful sodomy and Judy Garland records.
One says nothing, the video consists of him doing Ushers ‘democracy dance’ and lip-syncing to the song.

Pay publishers to mistranslate the Koran, in an attempt to influence non-Arabic speaking Muslims.
 

luka

Well-known member
Staff member
heh he, i'm childishly proud of this, wait, i'm going to think of some more...
 

luka

Well-known member
Staff member
Legalise all drugs, with one proviso, they must be made in America. All drug manufacturers must have a licence and pay a tithe to the US Government. Failure to comply results in being sprayed with the pink brain fungus. New drugs will be synthesised and distributed for free among hostile and competing nations. The new opium wars will result in the Chinese being made sterile by a special strain of heroin. No more one child policy, no more aspirations to superpower status, they’ll be extinct in three generations. The Yemenis and the Somalis limbs will be attacked by a super strain of gangrene, the flesh will decompose within days after chewing US khat. The French will lose their legendary libido after drinking US espresso in the morning. The Moroccans hashish will turn them into followers of Billy Graham. Special ecstasy will mean European youngsters are happy all the time, no matter what they are required to do. They man the death oven with tingly-bodied glee.

Subliminal messages in computer games will make Japanese teenagers launch kamikaze assaults on North Korea.

The English language will be replaced by Microsoft ‘emoticons’ thereby setting limits to what can be expressed by the populace. In time all emoticons will be versions of the smiley face.
 
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luka

Well-known member
Staff member
oh man, that's the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me! thank you!
 

luka

Well-known member
Staff member
Arrange for Bush to perform miracles. Have him cure Arab lepers if they agree to dedicate their life to Jesus. Use holograms to make it appear he is stepping from Air Force One in mid-air, walking through thick cumulus cloud for a number of minutes before returning to the safety of the presidential aircraft. Have him turn the water in the well of an African village to Coca-Cola.

Agree to drop third world debt. However, make it clear that there is no such thing as a free lunch. Those nations which benefit from Bush’s magnanimity will be required to fight his wars for him. Mali will invade Syria. Sierra Leone will team up with Gambia to invade North Korea. They will be equipped with US arms and armour, not the newest stuff, that’s reserved for the Marines. But it should all work. Even if they lose the resulting war the casualties they inflict will help the US cause significantly. The governments of these countries will also be required to use a small number of citizens to test new US narcotics, viruses and brain fungi. Their economies will be remodelled. Their populations will be solely engaged in producing goods for US companies at competitive prices. They will be converted into factories. Some women will be taken for the state brothels, the finest will be set aside for the harem at the Pentagon. A sexually satisfied population is an obedient population.
 

luka

Well-known member
Staff member
Withhold all food from Muslim nations. When their populations are at the brink of starvation send in Christian Aid with lorry loads of pork chops and pickled pig trotters.
Give them bottles of lemonade to quench their thirst. After they’ve drunk them say ‘ha, that was actually shandy, you’re going to hell!’

Use holograms to create a ghost of Yasser Arafat, have him say, ‘Sharon is a better man than me, he is more greatly endowed, his cock is longer, his balls are heavier. Oh, I was poisoned by Hamas by the way.’
 

nomos

Administrator
luka said:
oh man, that's the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me! thank you!
:D Cheers, Luka! Did you notice the slick Photoshopped eyebrow-cock? The Liquify filter is the Holy Grail of PsyOps and fashion advertising.

Have him turn the water in the well of an African village to Coca-Cola.
LOL. You're on a rampage today, dude.
 
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adruu

This Is It
what about that big black box in mecca? what's that about? its about time we cracked that open. my guess is there is a chesseburger wrapper, some cold lozenges, FREEDOM, and oxycotin in there. next to a small shining man of course.
 

turtles

in the sea
HAHAHA omg you are my hero luka. this shit is hilarious. i gotta start thinking, but i don't know if i can beat any of this shit.

but anyway, on the "truth is stranger than fiction" tip, how many of you people saw this article saying that the pentagon was at one point in time looking at developing a bomb that would turn people into homosexuals? I kid you not it was supposed to "make enemy soldiers sexually irresistible to each other"...now drop that in the middle of Mecca during the big pilgrimage there, THAT would be fucking evil.

unfortunately i couldn't find the article that was in the Vancouver Sun where i originally read it, but they were also planning on coming up with a "fart bomb" that would make everyone smell like fart, except they abandoned the idea because certain cultures are too used to the smell of feces. again, i kid you not.

also, the raised eyebrow did not go unnoticed...
 

turtles

in the sea
oooh! so how about:

stage the second coming of christ. have him be a muslim, who renounces his muslim faith and starts converting everyone to Nu-Christianity. Have him perform a whole bunch of miracles (through holograms and the covert filling of various arab cities water supplies with high-powered hallucinogenics and such). Then just when he's starting to get popular and such, have him be killed by an Osama look-alike.
 
O

Omaar

Guest
Gay Bomb

That US DoD story is pretty crazy, it ran in our papers here in NZ too. I would be interested to read any queer theory responses on that.

It's also interesting in the context of sexual torture and humilitation in Abu Ghraib I reckon.

It reminds me of school playground politics, calling people gay to take away their power, and maybe mask latent homosexuality (sometimes). I saw Larry Clark's Bully last night and it dealt with these themes a bit.

But I still hope the expression 'gay bomb' enters into the verncaular.

I guess it could have been a psy-op plant story anyway.
 

luka

Well-known member
Staff member
CIA trained Mullahs and religious teachers exaggerate Wahhabi doctrine into a flagrantly pcychotic creed.
Women must be kept underground. They must never see the sun. They must be encased head to toe in medeavil armour. Children must be hung upside down for three hours a day from the branch of a tree so the devils fall out their mouths. Jews must be flayed alive and burnt at the stake. Any man found without a beard must have his face rubbed off with an electric sander. Any boy over the age of 13 unable to grow a suffiently virile beard will be classed as a woman and kept underground. Any book which is not the Koran must be burnt. ANyone owning such a book will be burnt as well. Musicians will be hung with piano strings. Artists drowned in vats of paint. Laughter will result in the tongue ripped being from the mouth.
This will result in a backlash against the Wahhabis. They will be destroyed.

Exploit the gullubility and natural rebelliousness of the young. Employ agitators to forment unrest. Tell the youth that adults enjoy pleasures and priveleges they withold from their children for reasons of greed and hypocrisy. Tell them that adults are destroying the earth to ensure their children have nothing to inherit. Resources will be exhausted. Tell them the moral code they have been given is a trick played on them by adults to deprive them of pleasure. Tell them to fuck in the streets. Tell them to kill their parents and steal from the shops. Form youth groups dedicated to overthrow of the adult tyranny. Have sons fighting their fathers and daughters take up arms against their mothers.

Pursue the same policy with women. Tell them of the male conspiracy. Arm them. Have them murder their husbands in their sleep.
 

luka

Well-known member
Staff member
that gay bomb thing is superb, thank you for that. makes me wonder why i bother with all this rubbish. they're way ahead of me.
 

jd_

Well-known member
"Other ideas included chemical weapons that attract swarms of enraged wasps or angry rats to troop positions, making them uninhabitable."

Maybe war will just mutate into pure comedy.
 

luka

Well-known member
Staff member
Round up prominent leftists, Michael Moore, Naomi Klein, Noam Chomsky, Susan Sarandon, Tim Robbins-
Threaten them, bribe them, compromise them. Put them on television. Have them confess-
We are Communist stooges, spies and agitators. We got fat off the yen and the rouble. We were commited to the overthrow of American Democracy. We were the enemies of Freedom.
Use Photoshop to produce incriminatory evidence, corroborate their claims- Here is Moore’s backside. It is adorned with a tattoo of Chairman Mao. Here is Robbins shaking hands with Stalin. (don’t sweat the chronology, one of the advantages of an undereducated populace is being able to take these kinds of liberties) Here is Chomsky palming a wad of Chinese banknotes from his operator, the late Edward Said.

Have them beg to fellate Rumsfeld as an act of atonement. Have them conduct contrite interviews with Anne Coulter ala Hugh Grant’s shamefaced interview with Letterman.
Have Moore make another film exposing the continuing Commie threat to American Freedom. Have him impugn prominent leftist icons, Martin Luther King, Che Guavara, the Clintons- detail their role in the plot, fabricate connections, payments etc. end with Spacey;s famous line from the film, The Usual Suspects-
‘the greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he doesn’t exist.’
 

adruu

This Is It
resurrect nassar, get him to convince people to rebuild/rehab the sphinx's nose, and then blow the whole thing up.

that kevin spacey line is from baudelaire btw....
 
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