bloody miserable

[Mr. Tea]

sounds bad. has he got anyone he can talk to about it? not being funny but samaritans can be a good outlet.

Well that's the thing, he's not friendless, far from it. He's got good mates who know what he's like and are well aware of how miserable he is at the moment. I think he needs to do something, but all he does is sit in his room and watch films. He's even taken himself off Facebook, which is very worrying because that's basically his social life at the moment. I think maybe trying to get him to agree to talk to a therapist or counsellor would be a good idea, although probably not one he'd welcome right now. There comes a point where I think you're justified in taking action for someone's own good, if they're clearly failing to take even basic care of themselves.

though maybe hes just not eating cos of the depression rather than it actually being anorexia.

I'm not sure I get you; he's voluntarily starving himself because of a psychological disorder; that's anorexia, isn't it? Doesn't mean to say he's doing it because he wants to look like Keira Knightly or whatever.

The Samaritans suggestion could be worth a shot though, thanks (even if it's someone else ringing up on his behalf to get some advice).

 

[gumdrops]

oh ok, i didnt know that part about him starving himself. thats a bit more concerning.

samaritans can be a good way of getting someone to talk about stuff without going through the more arudous process of seeking out a counseller etc.

 

[scottdisco]

one thing's for sure, if the rest of you decide to stage an intervention, it's got to be a united front.

so you can't even implore him to join everyone in your lounge or whatever to watch a spot of telly? his love of films might be handy.

the poor sod

i saw a psycho-therapist for about ooh 18 months a couple of years ago, which was extremely good for me.

a mate volunteers for Samaritans. definitely second gumdrops.

 

[Mr. Tea]

Thanks for the thoughtful responses, guys.

I don't know if 'starving himself' is hyperbole, but he's certainly eating far fewer calories than he ought to and is quite visibly emaciated. Worryingly, he seems to have noticeably worse quite quickly. A while ago he was spending quite a lot of time in the communal lounge but he's got a big TV in his room plus Blu-Ray player, surround-sound, millions of DVDs...I mean, it's a perfect little nest for someone who likes to cut themselves off from the outside world. It would be cosy if it weren't so tragic.

I'm meeting a few of his other good mates tonight, we're going to have a little huddle about what do about him.

Glad to hear you got the help you needed, Scott. Gives me some hope for my poor chum, too.

 

[baboon2004]

One of my housemates and good friends is capital-d Depressed. He's always been a melancholy soul but he's worse now than I've ever seen him. He only leaves his room for work or food shopping and gets by each day with the bare minimum human of contact possible. We keep trying to get him to come out for something, anything, but he's not interested. I reallty don't know what to do.

Any suggestions? It breaks my heart to see him like this, I mean he looks like death physically too, he barely eats when he's like this. I think it wouldn't be an exaggeration to call it full-blown anorexia. Poor bastard.

Tell him he needs to see a doctor, and keep badgering him about it. The shit about depression is it makes you not want to help yourself, so you really need someone else to be forceful about it, if necessary.

Second psychotherapy, when he's out of theimmediate hole he's in.

 

[STN]

I'm not sure the Samaritans are allowed to give advice, they just listen to unhappy people, which is obviously hugely valuable in and of itself.

I hope your mate gets better.

 

[grizzleb]

Tell him he needs to see a doctor, and keep badgering him about it. The shit about depression is it makes you not want to help yourself, so you really need someone else to be forceful about it, if necessary.

Second psychotherapy, when he's out of theimmediate hole he's in.

Whilst I basically agree with the sentiment, I'm not sure that such 'formal' measures are whats needed in broaching the subject. Perhaps just trying to catch him whenever he exits his room and slowly forcing some sort of self-reflection/evaluation on his part, and one that doesn't sound judgmental. I've experience of this type of thing in some degree before and think that sometimes the label 'depressed' 'help' 'doctor' etc can be a bit rigid, formal and stigmatising. Just try and be persistent and force him to engage a bit is what I'd say, but I dunno. Pressure to 'do' something when you've boxed yourself into a corner can be a bit much and add to the situation.

 

[DannyL]

Sad, I know who that is.

I think you should contact Samaritans yourself Ollie, or some similar body - to talk about the situation and how to respond to it. It's not your responsibilty and it's well outside your skillset, so talk to someone professional about it as a first port of call. And have you talked to x, and told him how you all feel, and your concerns? Just try and be as genunie and open as possible without forcing a solution on him. Show him a bit of compassion and see how he is.

I did some phone counselling many moons ago (working as one, I mean). The basic princlple was that you don't force a solution on people or tell people what to do - you let this arise from them, as this is better for them in the long run, though it's hard not to wade in with your advice-sixshooters blazing. This sort of thing is hard to do and requires training though. He sounds like he needs to geet refered to both a doctor and a phone counsellor (as a start) but getting him to agree to that might be a problem.

 

[DannyL]

X post.

When I worked as a counsellor you were very defintely allowed to give referals etc. You get lots of people calling for the wrong reasons or for more general information, and you were allowed to pass them on to the appropriate services.

 

[mistersloane]

Tell him he needs to see a doctor, and keep badgering him about it. The shit about depression is it makes you not want to help yourself, so you really need someone else to be forceful about it, if necessary.

This, basically Olly. It's kinda what doctors are there for. I know what grizzle means, but sometimes it's easier to talk to someone you don't know, assuming you can get out of the house, and it's also what anti-depressants are for, to just give a little lift. If he's going up and down like that alot - assuming they're not a teenager - then it might just be easier to see what a doctor says than have to go through (for him) the hideous eternal renewal process that being depressed/coming out of being depressed gives.

 

[gumdrops]

yeah samaritans wont give 'advice', but you will get someone to listen to you, and let you explore your feelings on what youre going through. as a rule, they dont do 3rd party referrals, so you cant ask them to call your mate, it would have to be him making the first contact, but you could as a friend call samaritans, then pass the phone to your mate. but a doctor might be able to point your friend in the right direction. you can get free nhs counselling through a referral, though it can take time, and theres usually a limited number of sessions you can get through the nhs, far as i know.

 

[Mr. Tea]

Thanks again guys, this is all helpful stuff.

Dan, I certainly wasn't going to call in a shrink or the guys in white coats! Any decision to take things to that level would have to be made by the chap in question, unless he got so ill as to become incapacitated of course, and I don't think he that's bad, not yet. Though it would be nice to help him avoid getting that bad, if at all possible, rather than waiting till he ends up in hospital.

 

[Dusty]

Does he let people in his room? Can someone wrangle a way in to sit with him watching movies for a bit, strike up some conversation on his turf... try and engage him on a basic level through that first? Or is he completely adverse to social contact now?

 

[Mr. Tea]

Weeell, I do try, and sometimes succeed - we saw Kick Ass the other night, which he's obsessed with - but on a bad day he just likes to be left alone, and it's hard not to feel like you're intruding just talking to him through the door, let alone going into his room.

 

[baboon2004]

Whilst I basically agree with the sentiment, I'm not sure that such 'formal' measures are whats needed in broaching the subject. Perhaps just trying to catch him whenever he exits his room and slowly forcing some sort of self-reflection/evaluation on his part, and one that doesn't sound judgmental. I've experience of this type of thing in some degree before and think that sometimes the label 'depressed' 'help' 'doctor' etc can be a bit rigid, formal and stigmatising. Just try and be persistent and force him to engage a bit is what I'd say, but I dunno. Pressure to 'do' something when you've boxed yourself into a corner can be a bit much and add to the situation.

Take your point, but from (much, sadly) personal experience it can actually be quite liberating to have someone put a name to your problem, rather than stigmatising (though it totally depends upon the person, that much is true). Sometimes pressure to do something, when that something is a very exact action and not something amorphous like 'try to feel better/do more stuff' etc (whcih is the worst possible thing to tell someone), is exactly what is needed - the person may not thank you for it immediately, but he sure as hell will down the line.

Samartians do email as well, if he's not up to talking on the phone with them (which can seem like too much)

 

[Mr. Tea]

Fortunately one of his close friends and mine is a mental health professional - she's a fundraiser and PR type, not a therapist or psychiatrist per se, but she knows a good deal about the medical side of it, a lot more than I do anyway - and is meeting me and other of his friends tonight, so we should be able to formulate a Plan.

 

[Dusty]

Samartians do email as well, if he's not up to talking on the phone with them (which can seem like too much)

I didn't know this, they should really push this more... surely it connects with the facebook generation more than the phone.

 

[lanugo]

I'm wondering whether being obsessed with Kick Ass as a grown man is a cause or a symptom of depression.






(Before all you well-meaning and considerate Dissensians start complaining about how poor in taste this remark is etc. be assured that I myself have been suffering for more than a year now from the chronic state of dysphoria that our age has coined "depression". So, it's more like joking among the ill, you know, where it's OK to laugh )

 

[Dunninger]

Whilst I basically agree with the sentiment, I'm not sure that such 'formal' measures are whats needed in broaching the subject. Perhaps just trying to catch him whenever he exits his room and slowly forcing some sort of self-reflection/evaluation on his part, and one that doesn't sound judgmental. I've experience of this type of thing in some degree before and think that sometimes the label 'depressed' 'help' 'doctor' etc can be a bit rigid, formal and stigmatising. Just try and be persistent and force him to engage a bit is what I'd say, but I dunno. Pressure to 'do' something when you've boxed yourself into a corner can be a bit much and add to the situation.

In my experience taking "formal measures" can be very helpful. When you're depressed you can't get yourself out of the hole, self-examination makes you feel like a miserable shit wallowing in self-pity, just worthless. But seeing your feelings as 'depression' offers the possibility for a solution. Just the possibility that something can be done, that there are people who take the problem seriously and have methods to cure it can be a relief.

 

[michael]

Corpsey, good to hear you're considering it - if I nail my colours to the mast, then I believe in (psycho) therapy over CBT (for various reasons), but if it helped your Dad so much (mine had ECT, widely reviled but in his case a saviour, so I say go with what practically works), then that's absolutely brilliant, and definitely go for it.

Got to say I swing strongly the other way - Mr Tea, if your buddy can hook up with a psychologist trained in cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) I reckon he will see much faster results than chatting with a psycho-therapist.

I guess heaps of it is about what's actually happening and what is effective in particular cases. Counsellors etc. can be immensely useful for venting and working through a dilemma, but I think for someone who is locked into some fucked up bodily / behavioural routines it can be fantastic to side-step all the talk about feelings and self-reflection (in the sense of mulling over past events, etc. - all the broadly Freudian stuff, even if we're supposed to scoff at him) and approach it from the other end.

Mr Tea, if you like science, you have to side with CBT. Haha, sorry, I'm stirring.