i once felt on top of the world..... i now feel just a spindle being spun... so lost... so helpless.... a burden of my own faults.... what happenedd to my smile?
ever since my blunder of asking her to be my gf, ive felt like ive been walking on eggshells in my mind, ive drawn myself into a pit of overthinking and paranoia..... despite this tho, things had gone fairly well when i would see her since my blunder, but every moment away, i was in that paranoid self hating pit.... then today came, we had plans to get lunch and walk around to some stores, within 10 min of meeting her, the topic of jobs came up and she brought up how she could just do seeking arrangements and fuck people for money and get a sugar daddy to buy her a bunch of things so she wouldnt have to work so she can just sit around doing whatever and not have a job..... immediately im speechless and turned off.... how am i supposed to respond to this or react? later at lunch i bring it back up and ask if shes serious about doing something like that, and she said yes as shes tried it once before, and she did mention this to me weeks ago, but i wrote it off as an offhand comment given the way she said it sounded like it was something shed never want to do again...... the rest of the date i was very moody and on edge, staring into spaces, not talking much or being as cheery and giddy as i usually am around her, just staring aimlessly into the void of her eyes as she rambled on about whatever the fuck..... i was so turned off, i was very excited to see her too, i had written down several conversation topics in my phone that i was looking forward to bringing up and discussing, but i so quickly abandoned that.... i also was planning on once again asking if she would want to come up for a day in nyc as my mother wouldd be away and id have the apartment to myself, but what is the point after hearing all taht?
between this seeking arrangements, the 7 year ex thats brought up almost every time we hang out, and just these off putting comments she makes towards me, i am just so baffled and confused.... why must she not take me seriously? why bring these things up to my face? she shows so much affection kindness to me, she is constantly available and willing when i make plans....
if she is not as serious about me why must she be so constantly willing to talk and hang out and sleep with me!
i cannot believe she so off the cuff says these things to my face....
i feel so helpless