I disliked Jeremy Cooper’s ‘Brian’ so much, I was inspired to do this…plus it’s been a slow afternoon. I don’t rewatch films that much and treat them as temporary entertainment (unless it’s some harrowing documentary) - eyes glaze over at director talk - but these are what come to mind:
- ESCAPE TO VICTORY: The only good Nazi is…Max von Sydow. Ossie Ardiles, Pele and Bobby Moore humiliate the Third Reich.
- DAWN OF THE DEAD: Essential prep for when ‘COVID-Ebola-SARS Sigma-3 Variant’ hops borders.
- NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD: Where it all began.
- DAY OF THE DEAD: “This is a fucking war!”
- JOKER: Last gasp of the pre-COVID world, harbinger of 2020 mania.
- ROBOCOP: So good, I had the C64 game.
- POLICE STORY: Drags at times, but the stunts/action sequences are why this was always out on loan in the ‘80s…and why the Bruce Lee ‘classics’ seemed so boring when I saw them years later.
- DOA: Portal to grimy ’70s London, and the Pistols’ US gigs are great: skinny rats vs cowboy meatheads and Bible Belt fundamentalists. Get the original cut, the 2017 re-edit sucks. Props to Hackney’s most inept, Terry + The Idiots. X-Ray Spex and Sham 69 rock too.
- DEATH WISH: 100 times better than Taxi Driver.
- DEATH WISH 2: “You believe in Jesus? You’re gonna meet him.”
- DEATH WISH 3: Winner’s lost the plot by now, but I’ll take Charles Bronson running around the projects wasting punks with a big machine gun over Battle Royale any day.
- THE TAKING OF PELHAM 123: Piss-taking smart.
- THE LIVING DEAD AT THE MANCHESTER MORGUE: “You talk about the dead walking…it’s unscientific, man!”
- THE KNOWLEDGE: Proper slice of London psychogeography.
- THEY EAT SCUM: Shit-fi New York No-Wave zombie epic; the poodle scene is a masterpiece.
- THEY LIVE: Conspiraloons not so full of shit now, huh.
- ANGEL: Odd cross between sexploitation shocker, nasty slasher horror and feel-good family comedy that somehow works…fuck the critics.
- THE LONG GOOD FRIDAY: “Mafia? I’ve shit ‘em!”
- THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE: Mandatory, no?
- ASSAULT ON PRECINCT 13: What sort of loser ‘remakes’ this?
- BLADE RUNNER: Deckard and Batty could spend 2 hours talking about crypto and I’d still tune in for the interior lighting.
- CARRIE: And I thought MY mum was bad!
- APOCALYPSE NOW: Never mind the soundtrack; a proper ‘industrial’ film.
- VIDEODROME: Ditto.
- SCORPION THUNDERBOLT: Godfrey Ho mash-up mayhem.
- PSYCHOMANIA: Undead toff bikers and demonic frog pacts; pretty foolproof formula.
- MEAN GIRLS: Flawless.
- CROCODILE FURY: Godfrey Ho's sickness knows no bounds.
- GOODFELLAS: The only Scorsese film I (and Shy FX) like.
- THE TEMPEST: The Jarman one. Can’t unsee Caliban as Jack Birkett now.
- COMBAT SHOCK: Puts try-hard French shit like Irreversible and Baise Moi to shame.
- CAT’S CRADLE: REM chaos magic by Stan Brakhage.
- CHRISTIANE F: I knew a girl who lived on rice cakes and Diet Tango to get this look.
- LIVE AND LET DIE: Love the line “I can’t…I can’t find the brake!” when a baddy’s windscreen gets shattered.
- SUPER BITCH: Whacked-out Italo-UK crime-sleaze flick with Stephanie Beacham.
- RE-ANIMATOR: Wholesome family fun.
- SAFE: London homeless drama that’s slipped through the cracks; Nosty>Begbie.
- THE TOXIC AVENGER: Imagine watching crap like Audition instead of this.
- AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON: Those blue remembered hills…
- MESHES OF THE AFTERNOON: Hoodoo short by Maya Deren.
- LAW AND ORDER: OK, it’s a ’78 4-part BBC series, but it trounces most films; ‘movie buffs’ befucked.
- VIRILE GAMES: The Big Match on acid.
- SCANNERS: Don’t get a head of yourself.
- TOP SECRET!: More fun with Nazis.
- SHOGUN ASSASSIN: It’s raining blood, desu.
- SIMON OF THE DESERT: Bunuel meets Catholic fanaticism uptown.
- MONA LISA: Completely underrated.
- EYES WIDE SHUT: File under ‘documentary’.
- THE HIT: You had one job…
- UBU ROI: The French one, or…
- UBU ROI: …the Open University one with Donald Pleasance; both are equally great.
- GEEK MAGGOT BINGO: More Nick Zedd madness, great budget bat transformation scene.
- DRILLER KILLER: “THIS FILM SHOULD BE PLAYED LOUD”, too right.
- MARQUIS: De Sade and his talking dick get into heaps of trouble.
- THE FLY: Saddest break-up film of all time.
- JUVENILE LIASION II: Back when Nick Broomfield gave a shit.
- BEHIND THE RENT STRIKE: Ditto.
- MAD MAX: Helped me pass my driving test.
- MAD MAX 2: And my CBT.
- RUNNERS: Missing kids thriller turns into pro-Situ indictment of work…plus nice footage of dirty old London.
- THE KILLING OF AMERICA: Excellent time-capsule shockumentary (bonus shout out to The Animals Film).
- SHOCK: Out-mindfucks Suspiria and Possession.
- COME AND SEE: Nearly as much fun as Threads.
- MEANTIME: No idea why people hate Mike Leigh.
- DON’T OPEN ‘TIL XMAS: London Santa slasher, best viewed in the upstairs of a pub.
- TOWERS OPEN FIRE: First spin of the dreamachine.
- THE RISE + FALL OF IDI AMIN: Astounding.
- THE DECLINE OF WESTERN CIVILIZATION PT II: Indispensable document of hair metal excess.
- RABID DOGS: Italo heist drama, neatly done.
- DON’T TORTURE A DUCKLING: Maybe I like Italian films more than I thought.
- GLENGARRY GLEN ROSS: Think I’d rather work down a sewer than in sales.
- THE HUNGER: Cranky vampire OAP is so Bowie.
- SEXY BEAST: I know you all love Pat Tate and his pizza cutter, but I think this is better.
- ARRIVEDERCI MILLWALL: Ditto.
- THE TORTURE CHAMBER OF DR. SADISM: Fun Hammer Horror knock-off with spooky forests, castles, vampire counts, snake pits and inappropriate music.
- THE SWIMMER: Drowning in the sea of life.
- REPO MAN: Fully forgive Alex Cox for Sid & Nancy, just for this.
- NINJA CONDORS 13: Best opening title sequence ever.
- M3GAN: No time for bores who don’t want to watch a kidbot slaughter tech bros to Skatt Brothers’ Walk The Night.
- NIGHTMARE CITY: If you’re a journo chasing a breaking story, stay on scene, even if a bloody zombie massacre’s broken out around you. Don’t run back to your hotel room like Laurie Penny did during Occupy Wall Street. Good media training here.
- THE WARRIORS: Sorry, were you expecting Czech existentialism?
- ONE DAY IN SEPTEMBER: Good Munich ’72 documentary.
- DECODER: Mandatory if you ever owned an SPK record.
- THREADS: Nearly as much fun as The Plague Dogs.
- THE ART OF MIRRORS: Jarman triggers a hundred epileptic fits.
- IN FABRIC: Starring Bunnyhausen!
- FASTER PUSSYCAT, KILL KILL: Eyeball equivalent of listening to that Rockabilly Psychosis comp…on crack, natch.
- LIQUID SKY: I often just like films for the way they look.
- UP POMPEII: Preferable to Life of Brian…perhaps ‘cos I’ve never heard annoying pricks quoting lines from this down the pub? Or maybe Frankie Howerd was just funnier.
- BILLY THE KID AND THE GREEN BAIZE VAMPIRE: People assume Made In Britain is my favourite film by social-realist director Alan Clarke, but it might actually be this unlikely oddball musical about a snooker match between Phil Daniels and a vampire.
- DIVINE HORSEMEN: Informative voodoo documentary by Maya Deren.
- THE HOUSE THAT BLED TO DEATH: Actually an early ‘80s episode of Hammer House of Horror, but it screwed my 7-year-old head up.
- JEAN DE FLORETTE: And…
- MANON DES SOURCES: You can bin Straw Dogs and Kill Bill; this revenge slow-burner is much more satisfying, and Emmanuelle Beart was a fox. Never trust a farmer. From back when France looked like a glorious Stella Artois advert.
- ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK: Typical night out in Milton Keynes.
- PUNISHMENT PARK: Better than that insufferable pile of wank Salo.
- BARB WIRE: Bonkers high-energy sci-fi, relic of the anti-Britpop underground.
- THE MATRIX: Yeah, well…
- UN CHIEN ANDALOU: Surrealist gob in the eye of the boogewah-zee.
- FATAL DEVIATION: Sure, it’s a turkey, but the way the cast trudge through, as if there’s the slightest glimmer of hope this bullshit just might become a box office smash, is truly inspirational.
